EiNKOD 


BY 

EDWARD  E.  ROSE 


X 


r£L  FRENCH,  "A  Kh  St.,  N«w  Yotfc 


BILLETED. 

A  comedy  in  3  acts,  by  F.  Tennison  Jesse  and  H.  Harwood.    4  mi 

females.    One  easy  interior  scene.    A  charming  comedy,  constru 

'ith  uncommon  skill,  and  abounds  with  clever  lines.    Margaret  Angl 

•K  success.    Amateurs  will  find  this  comedy  easy  to  produce  and  popi 

'ith  all  audiences.  Price,  CO  Ce 

NOTHING  BUT  THE  TRUTH. 

A  comedy  in  3  acts.    By  James  Montgomery.    5  males,  6  females. 
:imes,  modern.     Two  interior  scenes.     Plays  2J4  hours. 

Is  it  possible  to  tell  the  absolute  truth— even  for  twenty-four  hours?     It 
I   least   Bob   Bennett,    the   hero   of   "Nothing   But   the  Truth,"   accomplished 
•at.    The  bet  he  made  with  his  business  partners,  and  the  trouble  he  got  in* 
•«lh    his    partners,    his    friends,    and    his    fiancee— this    is    the    subject    of    Will 
'>!lic-r*s  tremendous  comedy  hit.    "Nothing  But  the  Truth"  can  be  whole-hearte 
^commended  as   one  of  the  most  sprightly,   amusing  and  popular  comedies   1 
•is  country  can  boast.  Price,  60  Ce 

IN  WALKED  JIMMY. 

A  comedy  in  4  acts,  by  Minnie  Z.  Jaffa.  10  males,  2  females  (althoi 
ny  number  of  males  and  females  may  be  used  as  clerks,  etc.)  T 
jterior  scenes.  Costumes,  modern.  Plays  2J/2  hours.  The  thing  i: 
"hich  Jimmy  walked  was  a  broken-down  shoe  factory,  when  the  cle 
ad  all  been  fired,  and  when  the  proprietor  was  in  serious  contemplat 
f  suicide. 

Jimmy,  nothing  else  but  plain  Jimmy,  would  have  been  a  mysterious  fig 
»ad  it  not  been  for  his  matter-of-fact  manner,  his  smile  and  his  everlast 
Uimanness.  He  put  the  shoe  business  on  its  feet,  won  the  heart  of  the  : 
•lerk,  saved  her  erring  brother  from  jail,  escaped  that  place  as  a  perman 
Boarding  house  himself,  and  foiled  the  villain. 

Clean,  wholesome  comedy  with  just  a  touch  of  human  nature,  just  a  dash 
excitement  and  more  than  a  little  bit  of  true  philosophy  make  "In  Walked  Jimn 
one   of   the   most   delightful   of  plays.    Jimmy    is   full   of   the   religion   of   life, 
religion   of  happiness    and<   the   religion   of   helpfulness,   and   he   so   permeates 
atmosphere  with   his  "religion"  that  everyone  is  happy.    The   spirit  of   optimii 
good  cheer,  and  hearty  laughter  dominates  the  play.    There  is  not  a _ dull  mom 
In  any  of  the  four  acts,    We  strongly   recommend  it.  Price,  60  Cer 

MARTHA  BY-THE-DAY. 

An  optimistic  comedy  in  three  acts,  by  Julie  M.  Lippmann,  author 
the  "Martha"  stories.  5  males,  5  females.  Three  interior  scenes.  C 
umes  modern.  Plays  %y2  hours. 

It  Is  altogether  a  gentle  thing,  this  play.  It  is  full  of  quaint  humor,  o 
shioned,  homely  sentiment,  the  kind  that  people  who  see  the  play  will  re( 
id  chuckle  over  tomorrow  and  the  next  day. 

Miss  Lippmann  has  herself  adapted  her  very  successful  book  for  stage  seryi 
d  in  doing  this  has  selected  from  her  novel  the  most  telling  incidents,  infectic 
medy  and  homely  sentiment  for  the  play,  and  the  result  is  thoroughly  delight! 

Price,  60  C«n 

(The  Above  Are  Subject  to  Royalty  When  Produced) 


SAMUEL  FRENCH,  28-30  Weat  38th  Street,  New  York  City 

Wew  and  Explicit  Descriptive  Catalogue  Mailed  Free  on  Request 


PENROD 

A  COMEDY  IN  FOUR  ACTS 

ADAPTED  FOR  THE  STAGE  FROM 

BOOTH  TARKINGTON'S 
PENROD  STORIES 

BY 
EDWARD  E.  ROSE 

COPYRIGHT,  1921,  BY  N.  BOOTH  TARKINGTON 

ALSO  COPYRIGHT  IN  GREAT  BRITAIN  AND  THE  DOMINION 
OF  CANADA,  1921,  BY  N.  BOOTH  TARKINGTON 

ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED 


CAUTION :  Professionals  and  amateurs  are  hereby 
warned  that  "PENROD,"  being  fully  protected  under 
the  copyright  laws  of  the  United  States,  Great  Brit- 
ain, and  the  Dominion  of  Canada,  is  subject  to  a 
royalty,  and  any  one  presenting  the  play  without 
the  consent  of  the  authors  or  their  authorized  agents 
will  be  liable  to  the  penalties  by  law  provided.  Ap- 
plications for  the  amateur  acting  rights  must  be  made 
to  Samuel  French,  28-30  West  38th  Street,  New 
York.  Applications  for  the  professional  acting  rights 
must  be  made  to  George  C.  Tyler,  New  Amsterdam 
Theatre  Building,  West  42nd  Street,  New  York. 


New  York 
SAMUEL   FRENCH 

Publisher 
28-30  West  38th  Street 


London 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  Ltd. 

26  Southampton  Street 

Strand 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of  this 
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In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
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for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year." — U.  S.  Revised 
Statutes :  Title  60,  Chap.  3. 


Stack 
Annex 


The  following  is  a  copy  of  the  play-bill  of  the  first 
performance  of  "Penrod." 

GLOBE  THEATRE,  NEW  YORK,  SEPT.  2,  1918 

MESSRS.  KLAW  &  ERLANGER  and  GEORGE  C.  TYLER 
Present 

BOOTH  TARKINGTON'S 

PENROD 

Adapted  for  the  stage  by  Edward  E.  Rose  from 
the  stones. 


2063450 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS 
(In  order  of  their  appearance. ) 

TIM Robert  Vaughn 

BELLA,  the  Schofield  cook Flo  Irwin 

MARY  SCHOFIELD,  Penrod's  mother 

Catherine  Emmet 

MR.  JONES,  Marjorie's  father George  Meech 

JARGE Leslie  M.  Hunt 

ROBERT  WILLIAMS Paul  Kelly 

MRS.  BASSETT May  Ellis 

HENRY  P.  SCHOFIELD,  Penrod's  father 

Edmund  Elton 
MARGARET  SCHOFIELD,  Penrod's  sister 

Helen  Hayes 

HERBERT  HAMILTON  DADE John  Davidson 

PENROD  SCHOFIELD Andrew  Lawlor 

SAM  WILLIAMS Richard  Ross 

MARJORIE  JONES Helen  Chandler 

GEORGIE  BASSETT Ben  F.  Grauer 

REV.  LESTER  KINOSLING Wm.  F.  Canfield 

HERMAN Thomas  McCann 

VERMAN ..Charles   Whitfield 

MR.  COOMBES,  Chief  of  Police Jack  Ellis 

Produced  under  the  stage  direction  of  the  author, 
assisted  by  Dudley  Digges. 


SYNOPSIS 

ACT  I.— The  Schofield  side  yard.  A  June  after- 
noon. 

ACT  II.— The  Schofield  side-yard.  A  few  days 
later. 

ACT  III.— The  Schofield  side-yard.  On  a  June 
evening. 

ACT  IV.— The  Schofield  sitting-room.  The  same 
night. 

(Note. — The  entire  four  acts  can  be  played 
in  the  Schofield  side-yard.) 


PENROD 


ACT  I 

SCENE.  The  Scho field  house  is  c.  and  has  a  rather 
cosy  veranda  set  at  a  slight  angle  with  the  foot- 
lights. 

A  fence  extends  from  the  masking  wing  L. 
up  to  L.C.  and  thence  disappears  behind  the 
house;  it  is  broken  by  a  gate  at  a  point  directly 
opposite  to  the  end  of  the  veranda.  On  the  R. 
the  end  of  the  barn  shows  with  its  broad  door 
in  which  there  is  a  smaller  one. 

Just  above  and  to  the  left  is  the  door  to  the 
kitchen  placed  in  the  right  angle  of  the  house. 

It  is  a  bright  June  afternoon  as  the  curtain 
rises  and — BELLA  is  heard  in  the  kitchen  sing- 
ing an  old  Irish  song  as  she  works.  Presently 
she  comes  to  the  door  there,  a  broom  in  her 
hands. 

SAM  WILLIAMS.  (Is  heard  off  L.  giving  the  sig- 
nal between  himself  and  PENROD,)  Wee-oh-kee! 
(BELLA  pauses  and  listens.  PENROD  answers  off  R.) 
Wee-oh-kee!  (BELLA  grips  her  broom  and  steals 
back  into  the  kitchen — and  we  know  instinctively 
that  she  means  violence.) 

enters  R.  around  barn.    He  is  a  shifty-eyed, 
slim  young  fellozv  of  twenty-seven,  just  a  lit- 
tle bit  flashy  in  his  dress.    He  looks  up  at  the 
7 


*  PfiNROB 

house  as  he  faks  the  cigarette  he  is  rolling  and 
there  is  something  sinister  in  his  glance.) 

SAM.     (Off  L.)    Wee-oh-kee! 

TIM.  (Answering  PENROD,  off  Rj  Wee-oh-kee! 
(DELLA  opens  the  kitchen  door  and  makes  a  sweep- 
ing blow  with  the  broom  at  zvhat  she  believes  is 
SAM.  TIM  jumps  away )  Huh! 

DELLA.     Murder  alive!    Look  at  that  now. 

TIM.     What's  the  idea,  Delia? 

DELLA.  Sure  an'  I  thought  you  were  one  of 
them,  Tim ! 

TIM.    One  of  what? 

DELLA.     That  divil  Penrod  an'  his  gang. 

TIM.     Been  botherin'  you,  have  they  ? 

DELLA.  Botherin'  me?  Listen  here,  Mister  Tim 
Beaver.  There's  not  a  day  passes  that  Penrod 
doesn't  think  up  some  new  divilment  to  try  on  me. 

TIM.     Dust  his  jacket,  Delia. 

DELLA.  That's  easy  to  say,  but  ye've  got  to  catch 
the  imp  before  ye  can  do  it,  haven't  ye  ? 

TIM.     Sure  you  have ! 

DELLA.  That's  the  trouble!  Night  after  night 
I've  lain  awake  planning  the  most  beautiful  schemes 
to  lay  me  hands  upon  the  little  darling. 

TIM.    Yes? 

DELLA.  And  the  next  day  whin  I  tried  them — 
whisst,  he  was  gone.  Ye  know  how  hard  it  is  to 
catch  a  flea? 

TIM.     I  sure  do! 

DELLA.  This  imp  Penrod  ha's  any  flea  beaten  a 
mile  when  it  comes  to  getting  out  of  trouble. 

SAM.    (Off  L.)    Wee-oh-kee! 

DELLA.  Listen  to  that!  That's  the  signal  for 
trouble.  When  ye  hear  that  wee-oh-kee,  get  a  club 
an'  stand  ready,  for  there's  going  to  be  ructions. 
(She  starts  for  the  house  but ) 

TIM.     (Stops  her)    Wait  a  minute,  Delia ! 


PENROD  9 

DELLA.  I  can't,  Tim!  Sure  an'  I  have  a.  cake 
in  the  oven  ready  for  the  company  that's  comin'  this 
afternoon. 

TIM.    A  party,  eh? 

DELLA.  Well,  a  sort  of  one.  The  new  minis- 
ter's coming  an'  there's  goin'  to  be  some  sort  of  a 
dido  in  the  parlor  about  the  pagunt — the  school 
teacher  is  getting  up  wid  Master  Penrod  and  a  few 
other  little  divils  like  him. 

TIM.  Well,  how  about  coming  out  for  a  walk 
to-night,  eh? 

DELLA.  Saints  above,  but  you  are  the  fresh  fel- 
ler, sure  I  only  met  ye  a  week  ago. 

TIM.  Aw,  what's  the  diff?  Come  on  an'  we'll 
make  a  call  on  your  married  sister  Katy. 

DELLA.  Well,  I'll  see  how  me  work  comes  out. 
What  are  you  doin'  over  here  anyhow?  Aren't 
you  working  for  Mr.  Burns,  the  carpenter? 

TIM.  Sure,  but  we're  through  for  the  day  so  I 
thought  I'd  just  drop  in  on  you. 

DELLA.    Yis ;  well,  thin,  ye  kin  jist  drop  out  ag'in. 

TIM.    Aw,  come  on,  be  nice  to  a  feller,  can't  ye? 

DELLA.  I'm  not  allowed  to  have  young  men 
hangin'  around  the  place,  those  are  Mister  Scho- 
field's  orders. 

TIM.  What  does  Schoneld  care?  This  isn't  the 
First  National  Bank  he's  president  of.  He's  a 
grouch,  ain't  he? 

DELLA.  Listen,  if  you  were  the  father  of  that 
divil  Penrod,  you'd  be  a  grouch,  an'  a  mighty  bad 
one. 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD.     (Off  L.J    Ah,  Mr.  Jones? 

JONES.     (Off  L.;    Mrs.  Schoneld ! 

DELLA.  Whist — here  comes  the  missus.  Get  out 
of  here,  will  ye?  (She  exits  at  the  kitchen  door 
R.c.  TIM  exits  R.j 

(At  the  same  time  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  inters  at  the 
gate  L.  with  MR. 


io  PENROD 

MRS.  S.  I'm  so  glad  I  happened  to  meet  you, 
Mr.  Jones. 

JONES.    Yes ! 

MRS.  S.  Because  I  want  Mrs.  Jones  to  bring 
Marjorie  over  this  afternoon. 

JONES.     Laura's  at  her  Aunt's  to-day. 

MRS.  S.  Well,  don't  you  think  you  could  man- 
age it? 

JONES.     Certainly,  but  what's  the  occasion? 

MRS.  S.  Why,  our  new  minister — Reverend 
Lester  Kinosling  and  Mrs.  Rewbush  are  coining  to 
tea — and  I  thought  it  would  be  pleasant  to  have 
Marjorie  over  and  run  through  the  little  scene  in 
the  King  Arthur  Pageant  that  the  children  are  going 
to  give  to-morrow  afternoon  in  the  hall. 

JONES.  Oh,  yes.  I've  heard  a  good  deal  about 
that.  I'll  run  home — get  Marjorie,  dress  and 

MRS.  S.  Oh,  you  don't  have  to  dress — or  any- 
thing like  that,  Mr.  Jones. 

JONES.  Excuse  me,  but  you  said  the  minister 
was  coming. 

MRS.  S.     Reverend  Lester  Kinosling;  yes. 

JONES.  Got  to  stand  well  with  the  new  minister, 
you  know.  (He  bows  and  starts  for  the  gate  L.j 

MRS.  S.  And  if  you  see  Penrod,  please  send 
him  home,  Mr.  Jones. 

JONES.  (Stops  suddenly  with  a  start  as  PENROD'S 
name  is  mentioned.  Then  he  turns  ivith  a  manner 
visibly  perturbed)  Is  Penrod  going  to  be  in  this 
afternoon  tea-party? 

MRS.  S.  Why,  yes !  Penrod  has  the  leading  part 
in  the  pageant. 

JONES.     (Mopping  his  face)     Good  Lord  ! 

MRS.  S.     Yes,  Mr.  Jones ! 

JONES.  (Covering  up  his  exclamation)  Warm 
day,  I  said — yes,  quite  hot. 

MRS.  S.     It  is  sultry  ! 

JONES.     And  if  I  can  read  signs  at  all,  I  think 


PENROD  II 

it's  going  to  be  a  darned  sight  hotter.    (He  exits  at 
the  gate  L..) 

(MRS.  SCHOFIELD  exits  into  the  house.) 

BOB  WILLIAMS.  (Enters  R.j  Margaret!  Oh, 
Margaret — dear — Margaret ! 

MRS.  S.  (Coming  from  the  house  with  work- 
basket  and  red  trunks)  Why,  Robert  Williams,  is 
that  you  ? 

BOB.  (Very  confused)  Dearest!  I  ...  I  ... 
mean,  yes,  Mrs.  Schofield,  I  guess  so.  ... 

MRS.  S.     Don't  you  know,  Robert? 

BOB.  Yes,  yes,  of  course — I  do — How  do?  (He 
shakes  hands  with  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  J  Well,  how — 
how  is  everybody? 

MRS.  S.     We  are  all  very  well,  thank  you,  Robert ! 

BOB.  That's  good !  Ahem !  Is — is  Margaret — 
well? 

(Both  sit  in  veranda  chairs.) 

MRS.  S.     Very  well! 

BOB.  That's  good !  (A  pause)  Is — is  Margaret 
home? 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD.  Why,  no,  Robert.  She  went 
over  to  the  Lanneys'  an  hour  ago.  Mrs.  Lanney  has 
rheumatism. 

BOB.    That's  good ! 

MRS.  S.    Robert! 

BOB.  I — I — mean  too  bad,  I  just  got  home  about 
an  hour  ago. 

MRS.  S.  What  in  the  world  kept  you  so  long 
after  college? 

BOB.  (Very  importantly)  Oh,  I  was  arranging 
to  go  to  Law  School;  after  that  Judge  Beamish  is 
going  to  take  me  into  his  office  here. 

MRS.  S.  You  have  another  year  at  college,  then 
Law  School,  and  after  that,  Judge  Beamish's  office. 
Robert,  you  are  looking  pretty  far  ahead ! 


u  PENROD 

BOB.  (Rather  excitedly)  Mrs.  Schoneld,  I  don't 
believe  a  man  can  begin  his  career  too  soon. 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD.  I  only  hope  you  won't  overdo 
things,  Robert. 

BOB.  Mrs.  Schofield,  as  a  citizen  of  this  Repub- 
lic, I  think  I  know  what  is  required  of  me  and  I 
am  going  to  do  it. 

MRS.  S.     Yes,  Robert? 

BOB.  (Stammering  nervously)  Is — is — Mar- 
garet coming  home  soon? 

MRS.  S.  She  said  she  would  be  right  back.  (Bos 
sighs  heavily.) 

MRS.  S.     Is  anything  the  matter,  Robert? 

BOB.     (Hastily)    Oh — no — no. 

MRS.  S.  If  there  is  you  must  tell  me.  You  know 
we  have  always  been  good  friends. 

BOB.  (Rather  romantically)  You  are  Margar- 
et's mother. 

MRS.  S.    Why,  yes,  Robert ! 

BOB.     How  wonderful ! 

MRS.  S.  I  don't  know  that  I  ever  thought  of  it 
in  that  way. 

BOB.  Ah,  but  you  should,  Mrs.  Schofield ;  and 
as  time  goes  on,  and  the  years  gather  about  your 
head,  you  will  see  it  more  and  more. 

MRS.  S.  Robert,  you  are  speaking  as  though  I 
were  a  grandmother. 

BOB.    (Quickly)    And  you  will  be,  some  day. 

MRS.  S.     What! 

BOB.  That  is,  I  mean  you  may  be — it — it  usually 
happens  so,  doesn't  it? 

MRS.  S.  Yes,  but  I  don't  think  I  care  to  be  in  the 
grandmother  class  just  yet,  Robert. 

BOB.  Why,  it  would  be  the  glorious  crown  of 
your  life,  Mrs.  Schofield.  Think  of  it,  little  feet 
pattering  up  and  down  your  silent  halls. 

MRS.  S.  You  are  mistaken,  Robert.  Little  feet 
patter  in  poems,  but  in  real  life  they  clatter  and 
bang! 


PENROD  13 

BOB.  And  sweet  childish  voice* ,  like  the  chime — 
of  golden  bells. 

SAM.     (Off  Lj     Wee-oh-kee! 

PENROD.    ( Off  R.)    Wee-oh-kee ! 

BOB.    Huh? 

MRS.  S.  Those  are  the  childish  voices  you  just 
mentioned,  Robert,  and  they  don't  sound  like  golden 
bells,  do  they  ? 

BOB.     The  ones  I  meant  would. 

MRS.  S.  I  do  hope  Margaret  won't  be  long. 
Reverend  Kinosling  and  Mrs.  Rewbush  are  coming 
to  tea,  and  we're  going  to  run  over  some  scenes  from 
the  King  Arthur  Pageant  the  children  are  going  to 
give. 

BOB.     Children's  pageant? 

MRS.  S.  Yes,  we  thought  it  might  be  a  good 
idea.  Margaret  suggested  it. 

BOB.     Then  it's  going  to  be  all  right. 

MRS.  S.  (Smiling  and  patting  his  arm)  Aren't 
you  a  little  prejudiced,  Robert? 

BOB.  Not  at  all!  I  know  real  beauty  when  I 
see  it. 

MRS.  S.  But  we  weren't  talking  about  my  daugh- 
ter's looks. 

BOB.  Well — er — you  can't  help  it  when  you  speak 
of  Margaret. 

MRS.  BASSETT.  (Comes  to  the  gate  L.j  Oh,  Mrs. 
Schofield. 

MRS.  S.  So  glad  to  see  you,  Mrs.  Bassett.  Won't 
you  come  in? 

MRS.  B.  Mr.  Williams!  No,  thank  you,  I  just 
ran  down  to  the  corner  for  some  ruching  for  Geor- 
gie's  costume — you  wanted  him  to  dress,  didn't  you  ? 

MRS.  S.     I  think  it  would  be  best. 

MRS.  B.  Then  I  must  hurry  right  along.  The 
dear  child  is  so  eager  to  perform  his  part  well. 

MRS.  S.  I  wish  I  could  say  as  much  for  Pen- 
rod! 


14  PENROD 

MRS.  B.  Georgia  is  so  artistic  and  his  eye  for 
color  is  wonderful.  Even  in  a  child.  Well,  about 
four-thirty — you  said. 

MRS.  S.     Yes,  very  informal,  you  know. 

MRS.  B.  I  understand.  Good  afternoon.  (She 
exits  L.) 

BOB.  Guess  I'll  run  over  to  the  Lanneys'  after 
Margaret. 

MRS.  S.  Yes,  do !  And  is  Penrod  over  at  your 
house  with  Sam  ? 

BOB.     I  didn't  see  him.    Is  Penrod  in  the  Pageant  ? 

MRS.  S.  Yes,  he  didn't  seem  to  like  the  idea,  but 
his  father  persuaded  him. 

BOB.     You're  taking  awful  chances. 

MRS.  S.    Why,  Bob? 

BOB.  I — I — mean,  I'm  sure  it  will  be  very  inter- 
esting. 

MRS.  S.  Mrs.  Rewbush  has  done  some — remark- 
able work,  they  say. 

BOB.     And  Penrod's  in  it ! 

MRS.  S.  Penrod  is  Sir  Launcelot  du  Lake,  the 
gallant  Knight. 

BOB.     Sounds  fine! 

MRS.  S.  I'm  just  finishing  Penrod's  costume. 
(Holds  up  red  trunks.) 

BOB.     Penrod  going  to  wear  that? 

MRS.  S.     Of  course. 

BOB.     I'm  coming  back  to  see  it  on  him. 

MRS.  S.     Do ! 

BOB.  Wouldn't  miss  it !  Seems  to  me  it  ought 
to  be  rather  exciting. 

MRS.  S.     I  don't  see  Why ! 

BOB.  I  may  be  wrong,  but  I  feel  that  way.  { Ex- 
its R.; 

('DELL A  enters  at  the  kitchen  door  R.C.) 
MRS.  S.     Everything  ready  for  our  guests,  Delia  ? 


PENROD  15 

BELLA.  Well,  ma'am,  if  ye'll  take  my  advice  ye'll 
serve  out  the  cake  quick  an'  not  linger  over  it 

MRS.  S.     Why  ?    I  told  you  to  bake 

DELLA.  Yis  ma'am,  I  know  ye  did,  an'  I  obeyed 
ye;  there  were  four  of  the  finest-looking  cakes  ye 
ever  laid  yer  two  eyes  on 

MRS.  S.    Then  what  happened,  Delia? 

BELLA.     Penrod ! 

MRS.  S.     Penrod? 

DELLA.  That  same !  Sure  an'  he  came  into  the 
kitchen  an'  declared  he  was  perishin'  from  hunger 
an'  only  cake  would  save  his  life. 

MRS.  S.     But  surely  you  didn't ? 

DELLA.  Not  me,  ma'am.  I  stood  guard  over 
thim  cakes  an'  then  he  says  quick  like,  "Look  be- 
hind you!"  an'  I  did;  an'  when  I  turned  back  again, 
sure  Penrod  was  gone  an'  so  was  a  cake. 

MRS.  S.     Well,  perhaps  he  was  hungry,  Delia. 

DELLA.  Well,  if  he  was,  rest  aisy,  ma'am,  sure 
he's  not  starvin'  now  wid  all  that  cake  inside  of 
him.  (She  looks  off  L.  then  off  R.  and  gives  ar 
ejaculation.) 

MRS.  S.     Are  you  looking  for  something,  Delia  ? 

DELLA.     Yis,  please,  ma'am,  Jarge. 

MRS.  S.  Jarge?  Oh,  yes,  the  young  man,  your 
nephew,  or  something. 

DELLA.  Yis ;  sure  an'  I  sent  him  for  the  ice 
cream  an'  he's  been  gone  an  hour  or  more. 

MRS.  S.  (As  a  tall  young  fellow  enters  at  the 
gate  L.  with  an  ice-cream  freezer  in  his  hand)  Isn't 
this  Jarge  now? 

DELLA.  To  be  sure!  (She  meets  JARGE  c.  and 
hits  him  a  slap  on  his  shoulder  that  swings  h'.iu 
to  R.C.J  An'  where  were  ye?  Saints  above!  Don't 
ye  know  that  there's  lashings  to  do — an'  company 
comin'  .  .  . 

JARGE.  (Slozvly  and  seriously)  There  was  a  dog 
fight  down  the  street — an'  I  knew  one  of  the  dogs. 


16  PENROD 

DELLA.  Is  that  so?  Well,  get  along  into  the 
kitchen  now,  or  there'll  be  another  fight,  an*  there'll 
be  no  dogs  in  it  except  you — mind  that!  (JARGE 
exits  at  the  kitchen  door  R.C.  and  BELLA  turns  to 
MRS.  S.)  Jarge  is  a  great  help  entirely,  ma'am,  if 
ye  keep  a  stick  or  a  red-hot  poker  handy.  (There 
is  a  crash  in  the  kitchen)  Lord  above,  there  goes 
Jarge  down  the  cellar  stairs  with  the  ice  cream. 
What  on  earth  is  the  matter  with  you,  Jarge,  are  ye 
havin'  a  dog  fight  all  by  yourself  ?  (Exits  at  kitchen 
door.) 

("MARGARET  and  MR.  SCHOFIELD  enter  at  gate  L.) 

MARGARET.     Oh,  Papa,  you  are  so  absurd ! 

MR.  SCHOFIELD.  No,  I'm  not.  When  a  fellow 
sits  on  my  veranda  with  my  daughter  until  after 
II  o'clock,  I  want  his  pedigree. 

MARGARET.  I'll  tell  you  all  about  him  some  other 
time.  Oh,  Mamma,  look !  (She  holds  up  a  sword, 
evidently  belonging  to  a  Knight  of  Pythias)  I  bor- 
rowed it  for  Penrod  to  wear  in  the  pageant. 

MR.  S.     Is  Penrod  in  the  house,  Mary? 

MRS.  S.     No,  Henry,  and  he  ought  to  be  home. 

MR.  S.  Hiding,  I'll  bet  a  cooky.  Well,  we'll 

see (He  goes  up  around  the  house,  calling) 

Penrod !  Penrod ! 

MRS.  S.  (Taking  the  sword  from  MARGARET ) 
This  ought  to  please  'him.  I'm  just  finishing  his 
costume. 

MARGARET.     Mamma? 

MRS.  S.    Yes? 

MARGARET.  You  don't  think  Penrod  will  recog- 
nize the — the  things  we've  made  for  him,  do  you? 

MRS.  S.     Of  course  not,  dear. 

MARGARET.  But  you  know,  Mamma,  they  were 
papa's  old,  red  flannel  under 

MRS.    S.     (Quickly.     Holding  up   red  trunks) 


PENROD  17 

Hush-h-h!  I've  cut  off  the  legs  and  hemmed  the 
edges — and  just  see  the  pretty  gold  stripe  I'm  sew- 
ing on  them. 

MARGARET.  If  Penrod  finds  out,  I  know  he'll  do 
something  terrible — 'because  you  know  how  cross  he 
always  was  when  Delia  hung  them  out  on  the  clothes 
line. 

MRS.  S.  Nonsense,  a  boy  would  never  recognize 
them.  What  makes  you  worry  so,  dear? 

MARGARET.  Because  I've  had  several  painful  ex- 
periences with  that  brother  of  mine  and- — and  I've 
invited  Mr.  Dade  this  afternoon. 

MRS.  S.  Mr.  Dade?  Oh,  yes,  that  nice  young 
man  you  met  at  the  church  bazaar. 

MARGARET.  Yes,  he  is  >so  handsome,  and — and 
dashing,  just  like  those  heroes  you  read  about  in 
novels.  (She  goes  to  the  gate  L.) 

MR.  S.  (Coming  around  the  R.  of  the  house) 
Penrod  ?  Where  do  you  suppose  that  young  imp  is  ? 

MRS.  S.  Henry!  I  don't  think  it's  nice  to  speak 
of  our  son  in  that  way. 

MR.  S.     Well,  imp  fits  him! 

MRS.  S.  (Raises  her  eyes  and  sees  the  cash  bag 
in  his  hand)  Henry ! 

MR.  S.    Yes? 

MRS.  S.  You  haven't  brought  home  more  money 
from  the  bank? 

MR.  S.     Yes! 

MRS.  S.    Now,  Henry ! 

MR.  S.  Now,  now,  don't  get  excited.  I  'have  to 
be  accommodating.  Bert  Ladewood  telephoned  he 
had  to  have  two  thousand  dollars  early  to-morrow 
and  couldn't  get  in  before  the  bank  closed. 

MRS.  S.     But  you  do  it  right  along,  Henry. 

MR.  S.  Got  to  Oblige  old  Bert,  for  the  main  'and 
simple  reason  he's  one  of  the  First  National's  best 
customers. 

MRS.  S.    Well,  do  go  and  dress. 


18  PENROD 

MR.  S.     Dress?    What  for? 

MRS.  S.     The  new  minister  is  coming. 

MR.  S.     I  can  be  just  as  cordial  in  these  clothes. 

MRS.  S.     Now,  Henry ! 

MR.  S.  All  right !  Come  on  and  I'll  spruce  up, 
Mary. 

MRS.  S.  (Turns  as  they  go  up  the  veranda  steps) 
Oh,  Margaret,  Robert  Williams  was  here. 

MARGARET.  (Turning  at  the  gate  Lj  Indeed! 
And  pray  what  did  Mr.  Williams  want? 

MRS.  S.  (Smiling  and  nudging  MR.  SJ  You — 
principally ! 

MARGARET.     Now,  Mamma ! 

MR.  S.  Mr.  Williams !  I  thought  you  liked  Bob, 
Margaret  ? 

MARGARET.     Oh,  I  do !     He's  a  nice — boy ! 

MR.  S.  Boy  ?  Bob's  at  least  two  years  older  than 
you  are. 

MARGARET.    But  he  is  so — so — immature! 

MR.  S.     So  what  ? 

MARGARET.  So  immature!  Mr.  Williams'  out- 
look on  life  lacks  breadth — to  me  he  is  hopelessly — 
bour-bourgeois.  (She  goes  back  to  the  gnte.) 

MR.  S.  Well,  if  Bob  is  as  bad  as  that  sounds  I'll 
forbid  him  the  place.  (He  turns  to  MRS.  S.J 
What's  got  into  her;  do  you  know? 

MRS.  S.     Now — Margaret  is  all  right,  Henry. 

MARGARET.  (Waves  her  hand  off  L.)  Oh,  Mr. 
Dade! 

MR.  S.     What's  that? 

MRS.  S.    {Meaningly)    Mr.  Dade! 

MR.  S.  Well,  who's  Mr.  Dade?  Ah,  that's  the 
fellow  who  was  here  the  other  night  and  sat  on  the 
veranda  with  her  until  after  IT  o'clock. 

MRS.  S.     Yes! 

MR.  S.     Well,  I  want  to  see  this  Dade  party. 

MRS.  S.     Now,  Henry 

HERBERT  HAMILTON  DADE.     (Enters  at  the  gate 


PENROD  19 

L  He  is  thirty,  handsome,  has  an  easy,  man-of-the- 
world  air)  And  the  Princess  stood  in  her  garden, 
herself  the  fairest  flower. 

MARGARET.     (Girlishly  pleased)    Oh,  Mr.  Dade! 

DADE.     Princess ! 

MR.  S.     Ah-h-h!    (Growling.) 

DADE.  Ah,  good  afternoon,  Mrs.  Schofield,  Mr. 
Schofield. 

MRS.  S.  ^Rather  nervously,  as  she  watches  her 
husband)  Mr.  Dade! 

MR.  S.  (Rather  grimly)  We  were  just  speak- 
ing of  you,  Mr.  Dade. 

DADE.     Were  you  ?    Something  charming,  I  hope  ? 

MR.  S.     Well,  the  fact  is 

MRS.  S.  (Quickly  and  nervously)  You  must 
hurry  and  dress,  Henry!  You'll  excuse  us,  Mr. 
Dade? 

DADE.  Certainly !  I  came  early  in  case  I  might 
be  of  service  with  the  dear  children. 

MR.  S.  Yes,  I  thought  the  other  night  when  I 
heard  you  on  the  veranda 

MRS.  S.  '(Cutting  him  short  as  she  bundles  him 
into  the  house)  Oh,  come  along,  Henry.  You  know 

you  are  so  slow (The  rest  is  last  as  she  exits 

with  him  there,  MR.  S.  still  expostulating.) 

DADE.     The  veranda?    What  does  he  mean? 

MARGARET.  (Nervously)  Oh,  nothing!  It's 
very  thoughtful  of  you,  Mr.  Dade. 

DADE.  Not  at  all,  Princess.  Really,  you  know, 
my  business  affairs  are  so  pressing,  just  now,  I 
shouldn't  be  'here  this  afternoon. 

MARGARET.     Then  why  do  you  come? 

DADE.     (Fervently)    You  are  here! 

MARGARET.     Oh,  Mr.  Dade! 

DADE.  No,  it's  the  truth.  Strange  how  some 
women  have  the  subtle  power  to  draw  men  after 
them. 

MARGARET.     You  don't  mean  that  I  am  like  that  ? 


ao  PENROD 

DADE.    I  do,  Princess ;  else  why  am  I  here  now  ? 

MARGARET.  Why,  I  never  thought  of  such  a 
thing! 

DADE.  That's  your  wonderful  charm !  (Moving 
to  c.  thoughtfully)  Do  you  know,  you  remind  me 
so  much  of  a  girl  I  used  to  know  in — Constantinople. 

MARGARET.     (Breathlessly)     Where  ? 

DADE.  In  Constantinople — I  lived  there  for  a 
while. 

MARGARET.     You  did? 

DADE.  Oh,  yes.  But  I  soon  tired  of  the  conti- 
nent, just  as  I  do  now  of  London,  New  York,  Wash- 
ington— a  place  like  this  is  more  restful. 

MARGARET.     Restful  ?    I'm  afraid  it's  pretty  slow. 

DADE.     Not  when  you  are  here,  Princess. 

MARGARET.  I  don't  see  what  I  have  to  do  with 
it. 

DADE.  That's  because  you  can't  see  yourself.  I 
came  up  the  street  just  now,  life  seemed  flat,  stale, 
a  bore,  then — suddenly,  everything  was  transformed 
— just  because  I  saw  you  standing  here,  calling  to 
me. 

MARGARET.     Oh!     You  do  say  nice  things. 

DADE.  (Very  ardently)  And  I  mean  them,  Prin- 
cess— I  want  to  tell  you (He  pauses — for  PEN- 
ROD  enters  R.,  whittling  on  a  wooden  revolver.) 

MARGARET.     Yes,  Mr.  Dade ? 

DADE.     (Sees  PENRODJ     Ahem — m! 

MARGARET.  (R.C.  Turns  and  sees  PENROD,) 
Penrod ! 

PENROD.    Yep!    (R.; 

MARGARET.  Mamma  was  looking  for  you,  where 
have  you  been? 

PENROD.     Me  ? 

MARGARET.    Yes,  you! 

PENROD.     Oh,  just  around. 

MARGARET.    Around — where? 

PENROD.    Just  around ! 


PENROD  21 

MARGARET.  You'd  better  go  into  the  house  and 
get  ready  for  this  afternoon.  (Puts  PENROD  to  c.) 

BADE.    Yes,  it  is  getting  late. 

PENROD.    Oh,  I  guess  there's  plenty  of  time. 

MARGARET.  This  is  my  brother,  Penrod,  Mr. 
Dade. 

BADE.  Glad  to  know  you,  little  gentleman.  (TEN- 
ROD  looks  up  at  him  very  resentfully.) 

MARGARET.  Say  you're  pleased  to  meet  Mr. 
Bade! 

PENROD.    I'm  not  a  little  gentleman. 

MARGARET.     Say  it ! 

PENROD.     (Gruffly)    Pleased  to  meet  cha ! 

MARGARET.    Oh ! 

BADE.     And  what  is  our  little  gentleman  making  ? 

PENROD.    Nurhin' ! 

MARGARET.    Penrod ! 

BADE.  How  curious  to  make  nothing.  (He  exits 
with  MARGARET  around  the  house  R.) 

SAM.    (Off  i.)    Wee-oh-kee! 

PENROD.    Wee-oh-kee ! 

SAM.  (Enters  L.  on  a  boy's  pushmobile)  'Lo, 
Penrod! 

PENROD.    'Lo,  Sam!     (Sits  on  veranda.) 

SAM.  What's  come  of  your  ole  dog,  Buke?  (Sits 
beside  PENROD .) 

PENROD.  Aw,  they  made  me  tie  him  up  in  the 
barn,  'count  of  the  minister's  coming  to  hear  some 
of  this  ole  pageant. 

SAM.  Bid  you  know  they  was  goin*  to  dress  us 
up  for  the  pageant  an'  to  see  the  minister  ? 

PENROD.     Who  said  so  ? 

SAM.     I  heard  Bob  tell  my  ma  so. 

PENROD.  Then  I'd  just  about  as  lief  go  an*  jump 
into  the  river,  Sam. 

SAM.  That's  how  I  feel  'bout  it ;  an'  Georgie  Bas- 
sett  says  he  dearly  loves  to  be  in  the  ole  pagunt. 


22  PENROD 

PENROD.  I  know.  Georgie  Bassett  likes  to  be 
called  a  little  gentleman,  too. 

SAM.  Well,  nobody  better  call  me  that.  I 
wouldn't  let  the  President  of  the  United  States  call 
me  a  little  gentleman. 

PENROD.  Someone  did  call  me  one  an'  I'll  show 
'em. 

SAM.     Where  were  you  all  afternoon? 

PENROD.    To  the  movin'  pitchers. 

SAM.    Whyn't  you  come  after  me? 

PENROD.     I  only  had  six  cents. 

SAM.    What  was  the  pitcher  about? 

PENROD.     George  B.  Jashber. 

SAM.    Who  was  he? 

PENROD.  George  B.  Jashber  was  the  finest  de- 
tecative  I  ever  saw  in  all  the  pitchers  I  ever  saw. 
He  had  a  whole  gang  of  detecatifs  under  him  as  sus- 
sistanrs. 

SAM.    What  are  sussistants? 

PENROD.  Men  that  helped  him  out — the  best  one 
was  named  Tabber;  an'  every  time  the  old  crooks 
would  get  the  folks  to  sign  the  ole  papers  or  steal 
their  money — why,  George  B.  Jashber  would  follow 
'em  all  over  an'  everywhere  an'  arrest  'em. 

SAM.  Penrod,  let's  us  be  detecatifs  an'  have  an 
office  an*  everythin',  like  the  pitcher's. 

PENROD.  We  can't  do  anythin'  'til  this  ole  pagunt 
is  over ;  it  takes  up  all  our  time. 

SAM.     (Gloomily)    I  guess  that's  so ! 

PENROD.  If  anythin'  was  to  bust  up  the  ole 
pagunt,  then  we  could. 

SAM.  You  mean  if  something  was  to  bust  up  the 
pagunt  we  could  start  right  in  ? 

PENROD.  Yes,  sir,  an*  maybe  I  can  think  of 
somep'n  that'll  bust  up  the  pagunt. 

SAM.     I'll  help  bust  it  if  I  can. 

PENROD.  Then  all  we'll  have  to  do  is  to  pick  out 
some  ole  crook  an'  go  after  'em. 


PENROD  23 

SAM.    Who'll  we  pick  out  for  our  ole  crook? 

PENROD.  I  don't  know  yet,  Sam,  but  we  want  a 
good  one;  an'  then  I'll  just  draw  my  attermatick  on 
'em. 

SAM.     What's  an  attermatick? 

PENROD.    A  revolver! 

SAM.     Oh,  my  pa's  got  one. 

PENROD.    An'  I'm  makin'  an  attermatick  now. 

SAM.    Are  you? 

PENROD.  Yes,  sir,  an'  when  she's  finished,  you'd 
better  be  careful,  'cause  I  shoot  on  sight — Bing ! 

SAM.     I'm  dead!     (Falls  back  on  the  veranda.) 

MRS.  S.     (In  the  house  c.)    Penrod ! 

SAM.     That's  your  mother! 

PENROD.     I  guess  I  know  that ;  don't  I  ? 

MRS.  S.  (In  the  house)  Penrod!  (Nearer) 
Penrod  Schofidd! 

SAM.     She's  comin' !    Look  out. 

(Ex-its  R.  on  pushmobile.  PENROD,  at  the  same  time, 
crawls  under  vines  L.  of  veranda.  As  he  does 
so  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  appears  at  the  door  c.) 

MRS.  S'.     Penrod — why,  that's  strange ! 

MR.  S.  (Enters  on  veranda,  putting  on  his  coat) 
What's  strange? 

MRS.  S.  Delia  said  she  saw  Penrod  in  the  side 
yard. 

MR.  S.  Penrod?  I'm  not  talking  about  Penrod. 
You  always  try  to  evade  when  I  ask  questions  about 
young  men. 

MRS.  S.  Well,  you  always  take  the  most  foolish 
prejudices  against  every  new  young  man  that  comes 
to  see  Margaret.  Now  it's  Mr.  Dade. 

MR.  S.     Well,  I  only  want  to  know  who  he  is. 

MRS.  S.  Who  he  is  ?  Why,  he's  a  pleasant  young 
man.  He  has  nice  manners 

MR.  S.  Anybody  am  have  them.  I  knew  a  horse 
thief  once  that  had  beautiful  manners. 


24  PENROD 

MRS.  S.  Henry,  why  bother  so  about  Mr.  Dade  ? 
He  seems  a  very  polished  young  man. 

MR.  S.  (Stubbornly)  That's  the  main  an'  sim- 
ple reason  that  I 

MRS.  S.  Why,  Margaret  met  Mr.  Dade  at 
church. 

MR.  S.  That  doesn't  mean  anything;  this  horse 
thief  I  used  to  know  went  to  church  regularly. 

MRS.  S.    Henry,  you're  funny! 

MR.  S.  Just  for  the  main  and  simple  reason  I 
have  a  right  to  be.  Where  does  Mr.  Dade  live  in 
town? 

MRS.  S.     I  don't  know. 

MR.  S.     Know  what  business  this  Dade  is  in  ? 

MRS.  S.     No. 

MR.  S.     There! 

MRS.  S.  Oh,  of  course,  you  are  undoubtedly 
right,  and  I  agree  with  you.  Mr.  Dade  is  a  'horse 
thief! 

MR.  S.  Of  course  he's  a  horse  thief.  I  can  tell 

them  a  mile  off (MRS.  S.  exits  with  him  c. 

into  house.) 

PENROD.    Mr.  Dade  is  a  horse  thief !    Whee ! 

DELLA.  (Heard  in  the  kitchen)  For  the  Lord's 
sake,  Jarge,  get  on  out  o'  that  and  let  me  get  on  with 
me  work.  .  .  .  You're  a  perfect  nuisance.  .  .  . 

JARGE.  (Coming  through  the  door,  mumbling) 
Well,  I'm  goin'  if  you'll  only  give  me  a  little  time. 
.  .  .  Hullo,  Penrod.  fPENROD  takes  no  notice  of 
JARGE,  in  fact,  he  does  not  hear  him,  for  his  young 
mind  is  grappling  with  the  weighty  problem,  how  to 
save  the  community  from  this  horse  thief,  DADE. 
Both  his  small  hands  are  clenched  upon  his  knees 
and  his  face  wears  a  frown  of  deep  abstraction. 
JARGE,  rather  impressed,  in  his  slow  way,  by  PEN- 
ROD'S  manner,  goes  towards  him  and  stands  there 
gazing  down  at  him)  Nice  day  for  the  rehearsal. 


PENROD  25 

PENROD.     (Aware    of   JARGE'S    presence)      'Lo, 

JARGE.  'Lo!  Say,  what  you  settin'  out  here  all 
by  yourself  for,  this  way? 

PENROD.  For  the  main  and  simple  reason,  large, 
I'm  thinkin'  'bout  something. 

JARGE.    Ye  don't  say ! 

PENROD.  Jarge,  you  travel  'round  a  good  deal, 
don't  you  ? 

JARGE.  You  bet.  I've  seen  a  lot  of  this  world  I 
have.  Used  to  work  in  a  livery  stable. 

PENROD.     Say,  did  you  ever  see  a  detecatif  ? 

JARGE.    Why,  I'm  one. 

PENROD.  (With  an  electric  start,  comes  to  his 
feet  and  gazes  at  JARGE  with  thrilling  interest) 
What? 

JARGE.    Huh? 

PENROD.  (Swallowing  deeply  in  his  growing  ex- 
citement) Jarge  ? 

JARGE.     Yep  ? 

PENROD.    What'd  you  say? 

JARGE.    When  ? 

PENROD.  What'd  you  say,  when  you  said — what 
you  did  say,  just  then. 

JARGE.     I  s'aid  I  guess  I'm  sort  of  a  detective. 

PENROD.  My  goodness,  Jarge,  don't  you  know 
whether  you're  one  or  not  ? 

JARGE.    Well,  ye  see,  it's  this  way,  Penrod. 

PENROD.    Yep ! 

JARGE.  (Both  sit  on  veranda)  'Bout  a  year  ago, 
or  so,  I  see  a  piece  in  the  paper  what  says  you  send 
three  dollars  to  somewhere — I  forget — in  Wiscon- 
sin— sender  would  receive  a  silver  badge,  a  certifi- 
cate an' — an' — a  book  tellin'  how  to  detect. 

PENROD.     (More  and  more  excited)    Yes,  Jarge. 

JARGE.  Well,  I  happened  to  have  plenty  of  money 
at  the  time,  'bout  seventeen  dollars,  so  I  sez,  "Why 
not  take  a  little  gamble  ?" 


26  PENROD 

PENROD.     Did  you  do  it,  Jarge? 

JARGE.  Certain  sure !  Sent  'em  the  three  dollars, 
just  like  that.  (Illustrates  with  a  careless,  spend- 
thrift gesture.) 

PENROD.  And  did  you  get  the  things,  Jarge ;  the 
badge  and 

JARGE.     Sure  did ! 

PENROD.     And  then  what  did  you  do  ? 

JARGE.     Nothin'. 

PENROD.     Nothing,  Jarge? 

JARGE.  Not  a  single  thing.  I  couldn't  make  any- 
thing out  of  the  book — an'  all  the  stuff  it  had  *bout 
shadowin*  fellers 

PENROD.     Shadowin' ! 

JARGE.  That  means  follerin'  crooks  an*  seeing 
where  they  go  an'  where  they  live. 

PENROD.    Oh ! 

JARGE.  An'  Mis*  Kalem  where  I  board,  burnt  up 
the  certifycate.  Wish  I  had  my  three  dollars  'back. 
(Rises  and  is  going  L.) 

PENROD.     (As  an  idea  strikes  him)    Jarge? 

JARGE.     (Turning  to  him)    Yep? 

PENROD.     What  became  of  the  silver  badge? 

JARGE.     Oh,  I  got  that  still — somewheres. 

PENROD.  (Swallowing  in  his  excitement)  Jarge, 
what'll  you  take  for  it? 

JARGE.    Twenty-five  cents. 

PENROD.     I'll  give  it  to  you,  money  down. 

JARGE.     I  s'pose  you  got  the  money,  hain't  you? 

PENROD.     Well,  have  you  got  the  badge? 

JARGE.    Well,  not  with  me. 

PENROD.  You  bring  me  that  badge  and  I'll  have 
twenty-five  cents  ready  for  you  right  in  this  'hand, 
money  down.  (He  shows  JARGE  his  right  hand.) 

JARGE.    All  right,  Penrod! 

PENROD.     You  go  get  it  now. 

JARGE.     All  right,  then  I  won't  be  out  only  two 


PENROD  27 

dollars  an'  seventy-five  cents.     (He  exits  L.  up 
around  the  house.) 

('PENROD  flips  open  his  coat  and  reflectively  rubs  the 
exact  spot  on  his  L.  breast  where  he  proposes 
to  pin  the  silver  badge.) 

MARGARET.  {Enters  L.  with  MR.  DADE)  Really, 
I'm  afraid  you're  a  terrible  tease,  Mr.  Dade ! 

PENROD.  (At  the  sound  of  DADE'S  name,  starts 
violently,  and  then  throws  himself  flat  on  the  ground 
and  crawls  to  the  shelter  of  a  rosebush  that  grows 
at  the  corner  of  the  veranda)  Horse  thief ! 

DADE.  I'm  only  telling  you  the  truth  about  your 
charming  self. 

MRS.  S.  (In  house)  Penrod — Penrod,  where  are 
you? 

MARGARET.     I  must  go  in  and  help  Mamma. 

DADE.     You  take  the  sunshine  with  you. 

MARGARET.  You  do  say  the  prettiest  things,  Mr. 
Dade.  (As  she  runs  up  the  steps  of  the  house,  PEN- 
ROD  sneezes  behind  the  rosebush)  Penrod,  what  are 
you  doing  there? 

PENROD.  (Pretending  to  search  for  something) 
I  lost  something. 

MARGARET.  You  go  into  the  house  this  minute, 
Mamma  is  waiting  for  you. 

PENROD.  Well,  I  got  to  look  for  what  I  lost; 
haven't  I? 

MARGARET.    You  march !    (Puts  PENROD  to  c.) 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  from-  the  house)  Come,  Pen- 
rod,  come,  it's  time  to  dress  for  the  rehearsal. 

PENROD.  Oh,  Mamma,  I  don't  want  to.  I  got 
things  I  got  to  do. 

MRS.  S.     Why,  you  haven't  anything  to  do ! 

PENROD.  Yes,  I  have,  too !  I  got  some  business 
that's  pretty  important. 


28  PENROD 

DADE.  Pretty  important,  what  like,  little  gentle- 
man? 

PENROD.  (Glaring  at  him)  You'll  see  soon 
enough. 

MARGARET.  Georgie  Bassett  wouldn't  go  on  like 
that. 

PENROD.  Oh,  Georgie  Bassett— -the  little  gentle- 
man? 

MRS.  S.  (Taking  him  into  the  house)  You  come 
right  along  now,  Penrod ! 

PENROD.  (Hanging  back  as  he  goes)  I  guess  if 
you  knew  what  I  gotter  do,  you  wouldn't  make  me 
dress  up  for  this  ole  pagunt.  (He  exits  with  MRS. 
SCHOFIELD  into  the  house.) 

MARGARET.    You'll  excuse  me,  Mr.  Dade? 

DADE.     Most  unwillingly,  Princess. 

MARGARET.  You  know  Sir  Lancelot  must  be 
dressed  in  his  knightly  garb.  (She  exits  into  the 
house  now,  as  DADE  starts  to  go  R.) 

TIM.  (Enters  there  and  they  narrowly  escape  a 
collision)  Excuse  me ! 

DADE.  Oh,  no  harm  done!  Wait  a  minute,  I 
think  I  remember  you.  Weren't  you  in  Des  Moines 
about  two  years  ago? 

TIM.     No,  you  got  me  wrong,  Mister! 

DADE.  Yes,  you  were!  I  remember  now.  You 
got  into  some  trouble  there. 

TIM.    Hold  on! 

DADE.  You  were  accused  of  breaking  into  a  house 
and  robbing  it ! 

TIM.  Listen!  Must  you  tell  the  whole  town? 
That  was  a  mistake. 

DADE.     What  are  you  doing  here? 

TIM.  Working  for  Burns,  the  carpenter,  and  I'm 
going  straight. 

Dade.  How  do  I  know  that?  You  may  have 
designs  on  Mr.  Schofield's  house.  I  think  I  should 


PENROD  39 

tell  them  about  your  record.  (Starts  up  veranda 
steps  c.) 

TIM.  Yes  ?  Well,  I  wouldn't  if  I  were  you,  Mr. 
Dade. 

BADE.     I  see  you  know  me. 

TIM.  You  bet — that's  the  reason  why  I  advise 
you  to  go  slow  on  your  holler  about  me. 

DADE.     You  presume,  my  man! 

TIM.  Oh,  no,  I  don't.  There's  all  sorts  of  ways 
to  get  the  coin,  you  know.  Some  'smart  fellers  go  to 
work  and  form  companies  and 

DADE.    Shut  up! 

TIM.  Just  as  you  say,  Mr.  Dade!  But,  how 
about  that  holler  you  were  going  to  make,  eh  ? 

DADE.  Why — why — I  have  no  desire  to  be  harsh, 
my  dear  fellow. 

TIM.     No?    Well,  that's  mighty  nice  of  you. 

DADE.  You  say  you  are  going  straight  and  I  be- 
lieve you. 

TIM.  All  right!  Stroll  on  down  to  the  corner 
an'  let's  talk  it  over,  Mr.  Dade.  (He  goes  to  the 
gate^L.)  Yes? 

DADE.     I'll  be  right  along! 

TIM.  Do!  I'll  be  waiting  there  for  you.  (He 
exits  at  the  gate  L.) 

(L)ADE  pauses  a  moment,  then,  with  an  impatient 
shake  of  his  head,  starts  to  ~L.) 

^  MARGARET.  (Enters  from  the  house)  Getting 
tired  of  waiting  for  me,  Mr.  Dade? 

DADE.  The  true  knight  waits  for  his  Princess 
forever ! 

MARGARET.  We  are  having  quite  a  little  trouble 
with  a  true  knight  in  here.  Sir  Launcelot  Du  Lake 
doesn't  seem  to  like  his  costume. 

DADE.     Little  brother  objects? 

MARGARET.    Obj  ects  ? 


3o  PENROD 

PENROD.  (Is  heard  from  a  distant  part  of  the 
house,  his  voice  raised  in  a  wail  of  agony)  Well,  I 
guess  I  don't  want  to  make  a  fool  of  myself  before 
everybody,  do  I  ?  I  won't  put  'em  on — I  won't  put 
'em  on !  (He  enters  at  the  door  c.,  half  undressed.} 

(DADE  catches  PENROD  and  puts  him  on  veranda.) 

MRS.  S.  (Holding  him  by  the  arm)  Penrod,  lis- 
ten to  me.  Papa  has  sent  you  this  nice  new  quarter, 
if  you  will  be  a  good  boy  and  dress  for  the  pageant. 

PENROD.  A  quarter!  (PENROD  gets  money  in 
right  hand — starts^  to  run.  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  and 
MARGARET  grab  him.) 

MRS.  S.  Penrod,  don't  do  that !  Now,  will  you 
be  a  nice,  good  boy  and  dress  for  the  pageant? 

PENROD.  All  right — but  I  know  'em,  they're  sis- 
ter Margaret's  old  stockings. 

MARGARET.  Goodness!  (She  exits  into  the 
house.) 

(MRS.  SCHOFIELD  drags  PENROD  off  c.  into  house.) 

BOB.  (Enters  R.)  Margaret!  (He  takes  her 
handkerchief  and  kisses  it  passionately,  murmuring 
"Margaret!"  "Oh,  Margaret!") 

(DADE  comes  over  from  L.,  smiling.) 

DADE.     Mr.  Robert  Williams,  isn't  it? 

BOB.     (Confused)     It  is. 

DADE.     (Amused)    Yes,  I  thought  so. 

BOB.  (Rather  grimly)  But — I  don't  believe  I've 
ever  had  the  pleasure  of  meeting  you,  Mr. 

DADE.  Dade,  Mr.  Williams,  Herbert  Hamilton 
Dade,  a  newcomer. 

BOB.  Yes?  Oh,  I  suppose  you  are  calling  on 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Schofield. 

DADE.  (Laughing)  No.  I'm  not  calling  on  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Schofield — Miss  Schofield — I've  often 
heard  her  speak  of  you. 


PENROD  31 

BOB.  No  doubt.  Margaret  and  I  have  known 
each  other  since  we  were  children. 

DADE.  How  delightful!  You  must  fed  quite 
like  sister  and  brother. 

BOB.     (Resentfully)    No,  we  don't. 

DADE.  No?  Miss  Schofield  always  speaks  of 
you  in  a  very  sisterly  way. 

BOB.     Does  she? 

DADE.     Quite  so! 

BOB.  Er — how  long  have  you  been  here,  Mr. 
Dade? 

DADE.  (Smiling)  Three  weeks.  Yes,  and  every- 
body has  been  charming  to  me. 

BOB.     Everybody  has? 

DADE.  Yes,  especially  Miss  Schofield !  Of  course, 
a  newcomer  has  the  advantage  of  being  a  novelty. 

BOB.  I  suppose  that  is  an  advantage.  I  presume 
you're  here  on  a  visit,  Mr.  Dade? 

DADE.  Not  at  all.  Business,  Mr.  Williams. 
(Moving  away  towards  "L.) 

BOB.     Indeed ! 

DADE.  Fact  is,  I  expect  to  remain  here  quite  a 
while.  In  a  few  days  now,  I  shall  be  in  a  position 
to  make  my  plans  public.  (He  looks  at  his  watch.) 

(MARGARET  enters  at  the  front  door  c.  and  runs 
down  the  steps.) 

MARGARET.  (Running  on)  Well,  I'm  free  at 
last,  Mr.  Dade,  to 

DADE.  (At  gate  L.J  Excuse  me,  but  I  think 
Mr.  Robert  Williams  would  like  to  speak  with  you. 
(Exits  Lj 

MARGARET.     (Turning  quickly)     Why — Robert! 

BOB.  (Rather  taken  aback,  for  her  manner  is  a 
trifle  cool)  Margaret,  aren't  you  glad  to  see  me? 

MARGARET.  (Somewhat  confused)  Of  course  I 
am.  (Shakes  hands,  then  perceptibly  draws  her 
hand  away  and  looks  in  DADE'S  direction.) 


32  PENROD 

BOB.    You  don't  seem  so. 

MARGARET.     Well,  I  am,  just  the  same. 

BOB.     It's  been  three  months  since  I  saw  you. 

MARGARET.  You  say  three  months  as  though  they 
were  a  lifetime.  (Crosses  to  R.cJ 

BOB.    They've  been  more  than  that  to  me. 

MARGARET.  Are  you  coming  to  the  rehearsal  of 
the  children's  pageant? 

BOB.  Please  don't  try  to  change  the  subject. 
Why  didn't  you  write  me  this  last  term? 

MARGARET.     Why,  Bob  Williams,  I  did. 

BOB.  When  I  went  back  to  college  after  Easter, 
yes. 

MARGARET.    Three  times  a  week. 

BOB.  Yes,  'at  first  and  then  twice  a  week,  and 
then  once  a  week,  and  not  even  once  for  the  past 
three  weeks. 

MARGARET.  Well,  I  was  busy.  And  there  wasn't 
anything  to  write  about. 

BOB.     You  didn't  want  to  write  to  me. 

MARGARET.    Yes,  I  did,  but 

BOB.  But  you  didn't.  I  sat  up  there  in  my  lonely 
room,  day  after  day,  waiting,  listening  for  the  post- 
man's whistle — and  he  passed  by  my  door  every 
time. 

MARGARET.     Oh,  don't  talk  like  a  boy. 

BOB.  Boy!  I'm  no  longer  a  boy,  Margaret. 
Suffering  has  made  me  a  man.  Why,  when  I  got 
here  you  weren't  even  at  'home.  You  might  have 
waited  for  me. 

MARGARET.  Well,  I'm  here  now,  and  I'm  glad  to 
see  you. 

BOB.     You  don't  even  look  at  me. 

MARGARET.  Good  heavens,  Bob,  I've  troubles 
enough  without  your  questioning  me. 

BOB.  Margaret,  has  your  heart  changed  in  these 
three  terrible  months  of  absence  ? 

MARGARET.     My  heart  is  in  my  mouth,  just  now, 


PENROD  33 

over  Penrod  and  how  he  is  going  to  behave  at  the 
dress  rehearsal. 

BOB.     You  think  of  trifles 

MARGARET.  It  isn't  a  trifle  to  have  Penrod  for  a 
brother.  (The  murmur  of  voices  is  heard  off  L. 
coming  nearer)  There !  They're  coming,  do  try  to 
act  sensibly.  (She  exits  into  the  house  c.,  as  BOB 
starts  to  follow.) 

MRS.  WILLIAMS.  (Is  heard  calling  off  R.)  Rob- 
ert !  Oh,  Robert ! 

BOB.     (Goes  to  R.)    Here  I  am,  Mother. 

MRS.  W.  (Off  R.)  I  wish  you'd  come  and  get 
Sam. 

BOB.    All  right,  Mother !    (As  he  starts  to  go  R .) 

MR.  JONES.  (Enters  with  MARJORIE  L.  MAR- 
JORIE  in  costume)  Why,  hello,  Bob. 

BOB.  How  do,  Mr.  Jones.  What  are  you  dressed 
up  for,  Marjorie? 

MARJORIE.  I  am  Queen  Ginny-Ginny-wear !  Do 
you  like  my  dress? 

BOB.     It's  bully,  Marjorie. 

MRS.  W.     (Off  Rj    Bob,  cdme  and  get  Sam ! 

BOB.  All  right!  Excuse  me,  but  I  guess  that 
brother  of  mine  is  'making  trouble.  {He  exits  R.) 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  from  the  house  c.)  Ah,  Mr. 
Jones  and  Marjorie,  dear. 

MR.  JONES.  Well,  we're  here.  Why,  what's  the 
matter  ? 

MRS.  S.     Penrod! 

MR.  JONES.    I  knew  it ! 

MRS.  S.  In  all  my  experience  with  th'at.child,  Mr. 
Jones,  I  have  never  seen  him  in  such  a  state. 

(  BOB  enters  from  R.,  lugging  SAM  in  costume.) 

MR.  JONES.     Hello. 

MRS.  S.    Robert! 

BOB.    Ladies  and  gentlemen,  let  me  present  to  you 


34  PENROD 

King  Arthur,  otherwise  known  as  Sam  Williams! 
(SAM  makes  a  desperate  lunge  and  almost  gets 
away)  No,  you  don't,  Sam! 

MRS.  B.  (Enters  at  the  gate  L.  with  GEORGIE  in 
costume)  Are  we  late? 

MRS.  S.  Not  at  all.  Doesn't  Georgie  look  beau- 
tiful? 

GEORGIE.  Thank  you,  Mrs.  Schofield,  I  shall  try 
to  do  my  best. 

MRS.  B.     Isn't  that  sweet  of  him? 

MR.  S.  {Enters  from  the  house  c.,  dragging  PEN- 
ROD,  who  is  in  costume)  Good  afternoon,  every- 
body. I  have  brought  Sir  Launcelot  du  Lake. 

MRS.  S.  I  don't  see  why  you  make  such  a  fuss 
about  being  in  the  pageant,  Penrod.  (There  is  a 
pause) 

GEORGIE.     (Brightly)    I  just  love  to  be  in  it. 

MR.  S.     There'! 

( PENROD  and   SAM   regard  GEORGIE  with   hostile 
looks.) 

MRS.  S.    How  sweet  of  Georgie! 

MRS.  B.  (Fussing  with  GEORGIE,)  Georgie  is  al- 
ways a  little  gentleman.  ('SAM  and  PENROD  both 
start  convulsively)  Now,  Georgie,  tell  them  what 
you  said  to  Mamma  at  lunch  time — why  you  want 
to  be  in  the  pageant. 

GEORGIE.  I  want  to  be  in  the  pageant,  because  I 
feel  I  can  have  a  good  influence  over  Penrod  and 
the  other  children. 

(PENROD  and  SAM  start  to  lay  violent  hands  on 
GEORGIE.J 

MRS.  S.     Penrod ! 
BOB.    Sam ! 

MR.  S.  Behave !  (Dragging  PENROD  up  on  ver- 
anda c.) 


PENROD  35 

BOB.    Keep  still ! 

DADE.     (Enters  at  the  gate  L.)    Not  late,  am  I? 

MRS.  S.  No,  Mr.  Bade.  I  believe  you  know 
everybody. 

DADE.  (Bowing)  Ah,  yes,  everyone,  including 
our  little  gentlemen.  (He  is  between  PENROD  and 

MRS.   SCHOFIELD  L.C. ) 

MR.  S.     Penrod ! 

BOB.     Sam ! 

MRS.  S.  Oh,  dear,  what  'has  got  into  you,  Pen- 
rod? 

DADE.  He's  only  a  trifle  nervous,  aren't  you,  lit- 
tle gentleman? 

^PENROD  mumbles  something.) 

DADE.  What  is  it,  little  gentleman?  (He  bends 
nearer)  Eh  ? 

PENROD.     Horse  thief ! 

MR.  S.  What  in  thunder  does  he  mean  by  horse 
thief? 

DADE.     Some  childish  game,  I  suppose. 

MARGARET.  (Enters  from  the  house  c.)  Mrs. 
Revvbush  'and  the  Reverend  Kinosling  are  in  the 
parlor. 

MRS.  S.  Oh,  then  come  in!  (She  goes  into  the 
house  with  MR.  JONES,  MARJORIE  and  MRS.  BAS- 

SETTj 

(Bos  starts  for  MARGARET,   but  DADE  gets  there 
ahead  of  him.) 

MR.  S.  (To  PENROD J  Now  you  behave — re- 
member! Bob,  if  I  had  one  more  boy  like  Penrod, 
they'd  have  me  in  the  asylum;  I'm  halfway  there 
now.  (He  exits  into  the  house  c.  with  BOB.  There 
is  a  pause.) 

PENROD.     Don't  I  look  awful,  Sam? 

SAM.     Yep ! 


36  PENROD 

PENROD.    So  do  you ! 

SAM.    I  feel  awful ! 

PENROD.  So  do  I !  They  made  me  put  on  Mar- 
garet's old  stockings. 

JARGE.  (Enters  L.)  Well,  I  got  the  detecative 
badge  for  you,  Penrod ! 

PENROD.     Here's  your  quarter,  Jarge. 

(JARGE  begins  to  laugh  and  backs  around  to  R.cJ 

PENROD.  Say,  what  you  laughin'  at,  I'd  like  to 
know? 

JARGE.     I'm  a-laughin'  at — at  you. 

PENROD.    Well,  you  just  better  stop  it ! 

JARGE.     I  can't! 

DELLA.  (Enters  at  the  kitchen  door)  Come  on, 
Jarge.  Well,  what's  the  matter  with  you  ? 

JARGE.    (R.)    Look  at  'em. 

DELLA.  (R.)  Mother  o'  Moses  ain't  they  comical  ? 
Look  at  the  fireman's  pants  he  has  on  him!  (She 
roars  with  laughter,  and  goes  into  the  kitchen  with 
JARGE.) 

PENROD.  It's  getting  worse  and  worse.  Sam — 
I  wonder  if  the  minister  will  laugh  at  us? 

SAM.     I  bet  he  will. 

PENROD.    Know  what  I'd  like  to  do  ? 

SAM.     What? 

PENROD.  Take  that  ole  hornet's  nest  under  the 
veranda  an'  just  throw  it  at  'em !  Ah ! 

SAM.     What  is  it? 

PENROD.     I  know  what  they  were  laughin'  at. 

SAM.     What? 

PENROD.  I've  got  on  papa's  old  red  flannel  under- 
clothes. 

SAM.    No! 

PENROD.    Yes,  sir.    I  know  'em ! 

SAM.     Gorry ! 

PENROD.     Now  I  will  bust  up  the  old  pagunt ! 


PENROD  37 

SAM.    How  can  you  ? 

PENROD.  I'll  do  it  somehow.  Why,  we  gotter, 
Sam,  here's  our  ole  crook  runnin'  around. 

SAM.    Who's  he? 

PENROD.    Hush !    Dade. 

SAM.    Is  Mr.  Dade  a  crook? 

PENROD.  He's  a  horse  thief.  I  heard  papa  an' 
mamma  say  so. 

SAM.    Then  we  gotter  f oiler  him. 

PENROD.  But  we  gotter  bust  up  this  ole  pagunt 
first. 

REVEREND  KINOSLING.  (Enters  from  the  house 
c.)  No.  Pray  do  not  disturb  yourselves.  I  de- 
sire only  to  breathe  the  balmy  air,  and  inhale  the 
sweet  odors  of  your  charming  garden. 

PENROD.     The  minister! 

KINOSLING.  Ah — 'what  have  we  here?  Two 
gallant  little  gentlemen,  which  of  you  is  Penrod? 

PENROD.     I  am! 

KINOSLING.  Ah,  yes,  a  sturdy  little  gentleman 
— awaitin'  the  time  when  you  are  to  entertain  us,  I 
suppose. 

PENROD.     Yes,  sir. 

KINOSLING.  That  is  well!  Ah — youth,  youth, 
it  is  the  time  for  sports,  for  gaiety  and  mirth — and 
are  you  a  good  boy,  little  gentleman  ? 

PENROD.     Nope ! 

KINOSLING.  Ah,  that  is  sad.  But  you  are  not  a 
bad  boy,  are  you  ? 

PENROD.     I  know  a  bad  boy. 

KINOSLING.    Do  you,  indeed  ?    Veiy  bad  ? 

PENROD.  Awful!  You  want  to  know  what  he 
did? 

KINOSLING.  If  you  care  to  tell  me.  (Sits  in  chair 
L.  of  veranda.) 

PENROD.  Well,  there  was  a  man  came  to  his  house 
he  didn't  like,  a  man  somep'm  like  you,  who  called 
him  names. 


38  PENROD 

KINOSLING.     Dear — dear ! 

PENROD.  So  this  bad  boy  he  goes  to  work  an' 
tells  another  bad  boy,  a  friend  of  his 

KINOSLING.     Yes  ? 

PENROD.    He  says :  "Wee-oh-kee " 

REV.  KINOSLING.  Dear,  dear,  was  that  the  bad 
boy's  name? 

PENROD.  Nope !  But  he  knew  what  it  meant.  He 
said:  "Wee-oh-kee.  You  get  a  long  stick  an' 
poke  at  that  hornet's  nest  that's  right  behind  the 
man"  (SAM  gets  a  long  stick)  "It's  over  this 
way,"  he  says,  "a  little  more  this  way.  Perhaps  a 
little  higher,  or  lower,  you  keep  trying  until  you 
hit  it." 

(SAM  does  exactly  as  PENROD  says,  poking  with  •a 
long  stick  under  the  veranda  behind  the  REV. 

KlNOSLING.J 

KINOSLING.  (Laughing)  Shocking!  And  did 
the  bad  boy  succeed?  (SAM  throws  down  the  stick 
in  disgust.) 

PENROD.     No,  sir ;  he  didn't  do  anything  at  all. 

KINOSLING.     I  am  glad  of  that! 

(The  shadows  have  lengthened  as  the  afternoon  has 
advanced.  Now  directly  back  of  REV.  KINOS- 
LING, the  hornets  are  seen  to  come  through  the 
cracks  of  the  veranda  floor.) 

MR.  S.  (Enters  from  the  house  c.)  Well,  I 
think  we're  ready,  Mr.  Kinosling.  (A  hornet  gets 
him)  Oh !  damn  it ! 

KINOSLING.  Mr.  Sdhofield !  (A  hornet  hits  him) 
Oh,  my  God ! 

MRS.  S.  (Entering)  Mr.  Kinosling.  (A  hor- 
net hits  her)  Oh ! 

DELLA.  (Enters)  Mrs.  Schpfield!  (A  hornet 
hits  her,  she  yells)  Murder,  police ! 


PENROD  39 

(MRS.  BASSETT,  GEORGIE,  MR.  JONES,  JARGE,  all  en- 
ter and  get  into  the  hornets.  They  yell  and  fight 
them  off.  BOB,  MARGARET,  and  DADE  enter,  all 
are  stung.  All  yell  and  fight  the  hornets.  PEN- 
ROD  and  SAM  escape.  They  have  tanen  refuge 
under  the  rosebushes  L.C.  Two  or  three  cur- 
tains, then  the  last  one,  DADE  alone,  going  off  L. 
PENROD  shows  SAM  the  badge  and  points  to 
DADE  as  they  follow  him.) 

CURTAIN 


ACT  II 

SCENE:  Same  as  Act  1st. 

DISCOVERED  :  As  the  curtain  rises  it  is  four  o'clock 
on  a  fair  June  afternoon  and  MR.  SCHOFIELD  is 
sitting  in  a  chair  on  veranda,  engaged  in  reading 
the  afternoon  paper,  while  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  is 
pruning  busily  among  the  flowers  R.c. 

The  afternoon  sunlight  floods  the  street  at 
the  back. 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD.  I  must  try  and  pay  more  at-» 
tention  to  my  garden ;  it's  a  shame  to  let  the  weeds 
creep  in  like  this. 

MR.  SCHOFIELD.  I  wouldn't  worry  about  the 
garden,  Mary.  We've  got  a  greater  problem  staring 
us  in  the  face. 

( BELLA  READY) 

MRS.  S.    What,  Henry? 

MR.  S.  Penrod.  That  little  circus  of  his  at  the 
rehearsal  of  the  pageant  is  all  over  town. 

MRS.  S.     Oh,  no ! 

MR.  S.  I  heard  it  about  thirty  times  to-day  at 
the  bank,  and  the  Sentinel  has  an  article  about  it. 
"Sir  Launcelot  du  Lake  on  the  Riot."  (He  shows 
MRS.  S.  the  paper.) 

MRS.  S.  "Sir  Launcelot  du  Lake  on  the  Riot." 
Oh,  dear! 

MR.  S.  And  you  haven't  heard  from  Mrs.  Rew- 
bush  since,  have  you  ? 

MRS.  S.     No,  I  haven't. 

fDADE  READY) 

MR.  S.     I  judge  she  hasn't  recovered  from  the 
crimp  Penrod  put  in  her  art. 
4P 


PENROD  41 

MRS.  S.  You  know  she  gave  up  the  pageant — 
really  one  can't  blame  her  for  being  cross. 

BELLA.  (Enters  from  the  house  kitchen  door  R.C. 
with  a  letter)  If  you  please,  ma'am ! 

MRS.  S.  Thank  you,  Delia.  (She  takes  the  let- 
ter and  reads)  "Mr.  and  Mrs.  Schofield  and  Fam- 
ily!" (She  opens  the  letter.  BELLA  goes  down  R. 
and  e.vits  below  the  house)  Oh ! 

MR.  S.     What  is  it,  Mary? 

MRS.  S.  (Reads)  "Mr.  and  Mrs.  Trimble  re- 
quest the  pleasure  of  your  company  on  Tuesday 
evening,  June  27th,  at  nine  o'clock."  Trimble? 

MR.  S.  They're  the  new  people  who  bought  the 
Thompson  place  and  spent  so  much  money  fixing 
it  up. 

MRS.  S.  Of  course !  I  remember  now.  Should 
we  go,  Henry  ? 

MR.  S.  I  am  gratified  to  know  that  we  are  still 
invited  anywhere.  Yes,  let's  go. 

HERBERT  HAMILTON  BADE.  (Enters  L.  at  gate) 
Mrs.  Schofield! 

(  SCHOFIELD  nods  to  BADE  and  goes  into  house — • 
doesn't  like  him.) 

MRS.  S.    Mr.  Bade! 

BADE.     And  where  is  our  Princess  to-day? 

('PENROD  READY) 

MRS.  S.  Oh,  Margaret,  she's  not  here,  Mr.  Bade ! 
(She  turns  to  BELLA,  who  enters  R.,  followed  by 
TIM  with  some  rugs  over  his  arm)  Bella,  did  Miss 
Margaret  say  where  she  was  going? 

BELLA.  Over  to  Mrs.  Clarkson's  on  Maple  Ave- 
nue, to  the  Bainty  Class,  ma'am. 

BADE.     Bainty  class? 

BELLA.  Yis,  sor.  Bainty,  the  feller  that  wrote 
a  book  about  the  place  down  there  that  Father  Ryan 
says  we  shouldn't  be  mentioning.  (She  turns  to 


42  PENROD 

TIM,)  Come  on,  Tim,  wid  those  rugs.  You're 
slower  than  me  sister  Katy.  (She  exits  into  the 
house  kitchen  door,  followed  by  TiMj 

MRS.  S.     Delia  means  Dante,  I  suppose. 

DADE.  Then — I  won't  come  in,  thank  you. 
Warm  to-day,  isn't  it?  (He  lifts  his  hat  and  moves 
off  L.,  swinging  his  cane.  As  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  moves 
down  R.C.  SCHOFIELD  returns  on  porch.) 

(PENROD  worms  himself  through  a  hole  in  the  hedge 
down  L.  and  moves  crouching  along  to  where  he 
disappears,  evidently  shadowing  DADE.J 

MR.  S.  (Just  in  time  to  see  PENROD,  makes  a  dash 
for  him,  but  PENROD  escapes  L.)  Will  you  kindly 
tell  me  what's  got  into  Penrod  ? 

MRS.  S.    He  does  seem  rather  nervous  to  me. 

MR.  S.  Well,  you  ought  to  know  what  ails  'him ; 
he  takes  after  your  side  of  the  family. 

MRS.  S.    Henry! 

(ROBERT  READY) 

MR.  S.  There's  hardly  a  trace  of  the  Schofields 
about  him. 

MRS.  S.  Ought  we  take  him  to  the  Trimble 
party?  It  says:  and  Family. 

MR.  S.  Not  unless  you  want  to  ruin  the  party, 
Mary.  What's  the  idea  of  this  Dade  fellow  hanging 
around  here? 

MRS.  S.     Oh,  are  you  still  harping  on  Dade? 

MR.  S.  Yes,  for  the  main  and  simple  reason  I 
don't  know  him.  He  was  in  at  the  bank  to-day — 
but  I  was  busy  and  didn't  see  him.  (TiM  enters 
from  the  kitchen  and  exits  around  the  house,  whist- 
ling and  looking  at  the  upper  windows  of  the  house) 
Who's  that  fellow  I  see  around  here  so  much  lately  ? 

MRS.  S.  Tim?  Why,  he  worked  for  Mr.  Burns, 
the  day  of  the  pageant,  and  seems  to  have  struck  up 


PENROD  43 

a  great  friendship  with  Delia.  You  are  so  unreason- 
able about  people,  Henry. 

MR.  S.  I  only  want  to  know  who  people  are  and 
where  they  come  from,  especially  Dade. 

MRS.  S.    Hush! 

MR.  S.  Huh?  (MRS.  SCHOFIELD  points  to  where 
BOB  WILLIAMS  has  entered  at  gate  L.  BOB'S  head 
is  thrust  forward  aggressively  and  his  face  wears  a 
look  of  stern  determination;  his  hands  are  thrust 
deep  into  his  pockets)  Oh,  hello,  Bob ! 

BOB.  (Very  dignified)  Good  afternoon,  Mrs. 
Schofield !  Mr.  Schofield,  could  I  see  you  for  a  mo- 
ment, sir? 

MR.  S.  (Rather  surprised  at  BOB'S  formal  tone) 
Why,  yes,  Bob !  (He  comes  down  the  veranda  steps) 

BOB.  You'll  pardon  me,  Mrs.  Schofield,  but  this 
is  most  important. 

MRS.  S.  Of  course,  Robert.  (She  exits  into  the 
house.) 

MR.  S.     All  right,  Bob. 

BOB.  (His  courage  a  little  shaken)  Have — have 
a  cigar,  sir ! 

MR.  S.     (Taking  it)    Why,  yes,  thank  you !  < 

BOB.  A  light !  (He  scratches  a  match  and  lights 
the  cigar.) 

MR.  S.  Thanks !  (He  puffs  a  moment)  A  good 
cigar,  Bob ! 

BOB.     I  hope  so,  sir. 

MR.  S.    Yep!    Well — now  what  do  you  want? 

BOB.     (Taken  aback)    Want,  sir? 

MR.  S.     Of  course!    What  do  you  want  of  me? 

BOB.     Don't  be  so  'suspicious ! 

MR.  S.  Suspicious !  Bob — when  a  youngster 
like  you  gives  me  a  cigar  and  lights  it  for  me,  I 
know  darned  well  he  wants  something — so  let's  have 
it. 

BOB.     Ahem ! 

MR.  S.     Yes,  Bob? 


44  PENROD 

BOB.    Mr.  Schofield,  you  "have  known  me 

MR.  S.  Ever  since  you  were  as  tough  as  your 
little  brother  Sam  is  now. 

BOB.  Have  you  any  objection  to  me  as  a  son-in- 
law? 

MR.  S.  What?  (He  starts,  nearly  drops  his 
cigar,  coughs,  splutters.  Clings  weakly  to  a  veranda 
pillar)  What  are  you  talking  about  ? 

BOB.  I'm  nineteen  years  old,  free,  white — stood 
fairly  well  in  my  class — have  no  bad  habits — good 
health — like  to  work — 'and  Judge  Beamish  is  going 
to  take  me  into  his  law  office.  How  about  me,  sir? 

MR.  S.  Bob,  you  ought  to  give  a  man  warning 
before  you  jump  him  like  this. 

BOB.     Please  don't  joke  about  it,  Mr.  Schofield. 

MR.  S.  I  assure  you  it's  no  joke  to  me.  Of 
course  you  mean  Margaret. 

BOB.  Mr.  Schofield,  my  career  means  nothing 
to  me  without  Margaret. 

MR.  S.    Your  career? 

BOB.  What  would  'any  triumph  in  the  Law  be  to 
me  without  her  at  my  side  to  share  it — what  would 
I  care  for  clients  and  juries  and  judges  and  plain- 
tiffs and — and  parties  of  the  first  part  and — habeas 

corpuses (Backs  SCHOFIELD  up  against  post  on 

porch.) 

MR.  S.     For  the  love  of  Pete— Bob ! 

BOB.     I  love  her !    She's  my  world — she's 

MR.  S.  Hold  on,  wait !  You're  nineteen,  you 
said? 

BOB.     Nearly  twenty 

MR.  S.  Well,  don't  you  think  you're  looking 
ahead  rather  far,  Bob? 

BOB.  (Firmly)  No !  I  know  who  I  want  to  be 
the  mother  of  my  sons ! 

MR.  S.  (Feebly)  Mother  of  your  sons?  You 
do!  (He  sits  on  the  chair  on  veranda.) 


PENROD  45 

BOB.    And  I  am  doing  as  I  would  be  done  by. 

MR.  S.    How's  that? 

BOB.  When  the  years  have  rolled  on,  Mr.  Scho- 
field,  and  you  have  passed  away 

MR.  S.     (Springing  up)    Wait  a  minute,  Bob - 

BOB.  And  it  comes  my  turn  to  give  my  consent 
to  what  you're  consenting  to  with  me,  at  this  mo- 
ment  

MR.S.    Ami? 

(MRS.  S.  READY) 

BOB.  I  should  wish  that  young  man  to  address 
himself  to  me,  first  of  all. 

MR.  S.  I  see.  Strikes  me  you're  about  thirty 
years  ahead  of  this  moment,  Bob,  and  still  going. 

BOB.  (Firmly)  I  believe  that  is  the  only  way 
to  achieve  success. 

MR.  S.  Seems  to  me  you've  already  given  your- 
self my  consent. 

BOB.     Have  you  any  objection  to  me? 

MR.  S.     None  in  the  world. 

BOB.     Thank  you,  sir! 

MR.  S.  (Shaking  hands)  Go  in  and  win,  Bob, 
and  incidentally,  that  will  put  a  crimp  in  this  Mr. 
Dade  fellow  for  me. 

(MRS.  SCHOFIELD  enters  from  house.) 

BOB.  Mr.  Schofield,  my  duty  is  quite  clear.  I 
will  save  Margaret!  Good  afternoon!  (He  exits 
along  the  lawn  and  out  the  front  gate,  very  dramatic- 
ally.) 

(MR.  SCHOFIELD  watches  BOB,  then  he  laughs.) 

MRS.  S.     Save  Margaret?     Henry!     What  did 
Bob  mean  by  that  ? 
MR.  S.     He— he 


46  PENROD 

(Tries  to  tell  her  of  his  interview  with  BOB,  but  goes 
off  into  another  roar  of  laughter.) 

MRS.  S.     Henry  Schofield! 

(SAM  READY) 

MR.  S.    Yes,  my  dear. 

MRS.  S.     What  is  the  matter  with  you  ? 

MR.  S.  The  rising  generation  has  just  exploded 
right  here  on  our  lawn. 

MRS.  S.     What  are  you  talking  about? 

MR.  S.  WTien  the  years  have  rolled  on,  Mrs. 
Schofield,  and  the  party  of  the  first  part  has  passed 
away,  what  would  you  care  for  the  Plaintiff,  or 
Judges,  or  Juries,  or  even  the  Habeas  Corpus,  what 
would  you? 

MRS.  S.     You're  crazy ! 

MR.  S.     No.    But  I  expect  Bob's  threatened ! 

MRS.  S.     What  about? 

MR.  S.     Margaret! 

MRS.  S.     No? 

MR.  S.  Yes.  Mr.  Robert  Williams  has  just 
made  a  formal  request  for  our  daughter's  hand  in 
marriage. 

MRS.  S.  Well,  really,  I  don't  know  what  we're 
coming  to. 

MR.  S.  Bob  is  quite  sure  lie  knows.  (He  roars 
with  laughter.) 

MRS.  S.  Hush,  Henry !  The  neighbors  will  hear 
you.  (SAM  WILLIAMS  yodels  "Wee-oh-kee"  as  he 
enters.)  Oh,  do  be  quiet,  Henry !  Hush-h ! 

MR.  S.     What's  the  matter? 

MRS.  S.  Why,  Sam,  dear,  are  you  looking  for 
Penrod  ? 

SAM.    Yes'm! 

MR.  S.  Hello,  Sam.  What  mischief  are  you  up 
to  now? 

SAM.     I  haven't  done  anything,  Mr.  Schofield ! 


PENROD  47 

MR.  S.  Not  yet,  I  suppose,  but  111  bet  you're 
willing. 

fPENROD  READY) 

SAM.    Sir? 

MR.  S.  Sam,  you  haven't  any  weighty  communi- 
cation to  lay  before  me,  eh  ? 

SAM.     I  don't  know  what  you  mean. 

MR.  S.  You  haven't  picked  out  the  party  of  the 
first  part,  have  you? 

MRS.  S.  Henry!  (She  yanks  him  towards  the 
house,  quickly)  You  come  into  the  house.  (Then 
over  her  shoulder  as  she  urges  her  husband  that 
way)  Don't  mind  Mr.  Schofield,  Sam;  he's  only 
joking  with  you ! 

MR.  S.  When  the  years  have  rolled  on,  Sam, 
and  the  party  of  the  first  part  has  confessed  .  .  . 

MRS.  S.  Come,  Henry.  (Draws  MR.  SCHOFIELD 
into  the  house.) 

(MR.  and  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  exit  into  the  house,  R.C. 
SAM  stands  for  a  moment,  looking  after  them.) 

PENROD.  (In  the  distance  off  L.,  very  faintly) 
Wee-oh-kee !  (SAM  pricks  up  his  ears  and  listens. 
Off  L.  and  a  little  nearer)  Wee-oh-kee!  (SAM  at 
once  bustles  over  to  the  barn  R.,  opens  the  door, 
showing  the  GEORGE  B.  JASHBER  sign — brings  out 
the  wheelbarrow  desk — and  puts  the  small  box  be- 
hind it.  PENROD  enters  quickly  around  the  corner 
of  the  house — half  crouching — his  automatic  in  his 
hand — then  he  takes  cover  behind  one  of  the  veranda 
posts  in  the  most  approved  gunman  style  and  utters 
a  sharp  exclamation)  Hah! 

SAM.    Well 

PENROD.  (Sharply  and  very  dramatically)  Quiet ! 
Tabber! 

SAM.     What  is  it? 

PENROD.    Hush !    Crooks ! 


48  PENROD 

SAM.     Crooks. 

PENROD.  Four  of  'em ;  I  shot  two  and  hit  an- 
other in  the  leg.  Part  of  Bade'*  fang  of  horse 
thieves  and 

SAM.    Yes? 

PENROD.  There's  the  other  creepin*  up  on  us; 
see  him? 

SAM.    No. 

PENROD.  Yes,  you  do ;  over  there  by  that  bush ! 
(He  takes  careful  aim  and  fires)  Bing !  (He  comes 
from  behind  the  veranda  pillar  ivith  a  satisfied  smile) 
I  got  him !  Well,  Tabber — how  are  things  going  in 
the  office  to-day  ? 

SAM.     You  said  you  were  comin'  over  after  me. 

PENROD.  Oh,  goodness,  Sam,  I  just  wish  you'd 
get  a  little  sense. 

SAM.     Well,  what  have  I  done? 

PENROD.  How  many  times  have  I  got  to  tell 
you?  I'm  George  B.  Jashber,  head  of  this  detective 
force,  and  you're  John  Tabber. 

SAM.     That's  so — I  forgot — George  B. 

PENROD.  Well — don't  do  it  again.  (He  seats 
himself  at  the  desk)  I  got  some  pretty  important 
business  to  get  fixed  up  here,  Tabber. 

SAM.  Well,  for  Heaven's  sake,  hush  up  a  min- 
ute, can't  you?  I  got  to  have  a  turn  some  time, 
haven't  I? 

PENROD.     Wait  'til  mine's  over,  can't  you? 

SAM.     No,  sir.    I  won't! 

PENROD.     You're  under  me,  aren't  you  ? 

SAM.     What? 

PENROD.  How  many  times  have  I  got  to  tell  you 
I'm  George  B.  Jashber— the  one  that's  got  to  give 
the  orders  and  everythin'  in  this  business,  I  guess, 
ain't  I?  And  you're  just  only  John  Tabber,  my  as- 
sistant. 

SAM.    Oh,  all  right. 


X 


00.  SAM,  HEWAA/AWO  VERf1f(N,ACTII  OF 


PENROD  49 

PENROD.  Well,  Taber— I  got  a  lot  of  important 
business  to  do  here. 

SAM.  Listen  here,  don't  I  ever  get  a  chance  to 
finish  my  turn? 

PENROD.    No !    Here's  where  I  make  my  report. 

SAM.    Oh,  go  on,  do  ft. 

PENROD.  (Enacting  the  two  characters)  Is  this 
Geo.  B.  Jashber's  private  detective  aggsy  office? 
Yes,  sir.  What  can  I  do  for  you?  Well,  George 
B.,  I'm  one  of  your  best  detectives.  I  see  you  are. 
Your  name  is  Smiggel  Belfuss.  What  have  you  to 
report?  Here  is  my  report,  Mr.  Jashber.  Good 
afternoon,  sir.  Good  afternoon.  Tabber,  open  the 
door  for  Smig. 

SAM.    Ah,  he's  opening  the  door  for  himself. 

PENROD.  Do  a's  I  tell  you,  open  the  door  for 
Smig. 

SAM.    All     right.       (Bus.)      Good-bye,     Smig. 

('SAM  goes  over  behind  PENROD,  and  opens  an  imagi- 
nary door — then  closes  it  and  returns  to  his  po- 
sition near  the  barn  R.) 

PENROD.  (Looking  at  the  report  which  he  has 
taken  from  his  pocket)  Report.  Geo.  B.  Jashber's 
Detective  Aggsy,  Number  103.  (He  turns  to  SAM) 
I'm  number  103 — Tabber — and  you're  104. 

SAM.  I  don't  want  to  be  number  104.  I'd  rather 
be  number  103. 

PENROD.     What  for? 

SAM.     I  don't  know,  but  I  want  to. 

PENROD.  Well,  you  ain't  going  to;  who  got  all 
this  detective  business  up,  anyway? 

SAM.    Oh,  poot ! 

PENROD.  And  who's  been  shadderin*  this  old 
crook,  Dade,  all  day,  'till  I  got  so  tired  I  could 
hardly  move  ? 


50  PENROD 

SAM.     Well,  where'd  our  old  crook  Dade  go? 

PENROD.  Hush!  to  a  sort  of  greenhouse,  an' 
came  on  out. 

SAM.     Did  he  see  you  ? 

PENROD.  No,  sir.  An'  then  old  Dade  went  to  a 
place  where  they  got  a  sign — Business  Men's  Noon 
Meeting. 

SAM.     Did  old  Dade  go  in? 

PENROD.  Yep;  and  was  singin'  hymns  there;  I 
tell  you,  Tabber,  it  looks  bad. 

SAM.     An'  then  where'd  old  Dade  go? 

PENROD.  To  a  dairy  lunch  an'  et  coffee  an'  raisin 
pie. 

SAM.  Raisin*  pie!  Yes,  George  B.,  it  certainly 
looks  awful  bad. 

PENROD.  Yes,  sir!  An'  now  what  we  got  to  do 
is  find  out  where  old  Da'de  lives. 

(  VERM  AN  and  HERMAN  READY) 

SAM.    Why? 

PENROD.  We  gotter  find  out  where  he  keeps  the 
horses  he  steals — I  guess — haven't  we  ? 

SAM.     That's  so. 

PENROD.  Well,  Tabber— 4iark !  Wasn't  that  a 
knock  at  the  office  door? 

SAM.     No! 

PENROD.  (Raps  on  the  desk)  Yes,  it  is !  Open 
the  office  door,  Tabber,  and  see  who's  there. 

SAM.  (Crossing  behind  PENROD  and  opening  the 
imaginary  door)  All  right !  Why,  it's  a  great,  big, 
tall  ole  man  with  long,  white  whiskers. 

PENROD.  No,  it  isn't.  It's  a  poor,  old  woman  in 
a  red  shawl — an'  everythin'.  ('SAM  goes  back  of 
desk  to  R.,  rather  angry)  Pray  step  forward,  Mis- 
sus !  Pray  take  a  seat,  Missus. 

(There  is  a  slight  noise  in  the  barn,  Rj 


PENROD  51 

SAM.  (Backing  cnvay  from  the  barn  door)  Pen- 
rod! 

PENROD.  Oh,  keep  quiet,  can't  you  ?  I'm  trying 
to  talk  to  the  poor  old  woman  in  a  red  shawl. 

SAM.     There's  someone  in  your  barn. 

PENROD.    Huh!    '{The  noise  is  repeated  louder.) 

SAM.    Hear  it? 

PENROD.  It's  old  horse  thief  Dade  and  his  gang. 
Get  your  altermatic  ready.  (He  draws  his  wooden 
gun.) 

SAM.     I  guess  I  gotter  go  home.    (Starts  up.) 

PENROD.  {Grabs  him)  No,  you  haven't.  (He 
picks  up  wooden  paper  weight  and  hurls  it  in  the 
barn)  Now,  men,  stand  ready  with  your  guns 

("HERMAN  and  VERMAN  enter  from  the  barn  R.  and 
stand  laughing  at  PENROD  and  SAM.  HERMAN 
up  stage,  VERMAN  down.) 

PENROD.     Oh,  it's  only  Herman  and  Verman. 

HERMAN.  Dat's  right,  Penrod!  An'  me  'n  Ver- 
man uzn't  doin'  nuthin'  to  you. 

PENROD.  What  you  doin'  in  my  pa's  barn;  I'd 
just  like  to  know  ? 

VERMAN.    'e  'us  listenin' ! 

PENROD.     What  you  say,  Verman? 

VERMAN.     'e  'us  listenin'! 

PENROD  and  SAM.     What? 

HERMAN.  My  goodness,  seem  like  it  takes  you 
white  boys  long  time  to  understand  Verman,  just 
because  he  tongue-tied.  He  say:  "We  just  a-lis- 
tenin'." 

PENROD.     Listenin' to  what  ? 

VERMAN.     'Istenin' uh — yo'!    (Listening  to  you.) 

HERMAN.  Das  so!  Verman,  he  say:  "We  lis- 
tenin' to  you !" 

PENROD.     Listenin'  to  me? 

HERMAN.    Das  so!     We  crawl  in  through  de 


52  PENROD 

winder  from  de  alley,  an'  ma  goodness,  we  most  bus' 
ourselves  laughin'  when  we  hear  you  playin'  so 
funny. 

PENROD.  "Playin'  so  funny?"  I  guess  if  I  told 
you  what  I  was  doin',  your  eyes  would  stick  out. 

VERMAN.  (Squealing  with  laughter  and  with  a 
clumsy  imitation  of  PENROD'S  GEORGE  B.  JASHBER'S 
manner)  Hey !  I  Harge  Hasher,  Hay  hake  a  heek, 
mi'hhuh !  (Laughs.) 

HERMAN.  Das  so,  Verman.  "Pray  take  a  seat, 
missus !"  (Laughs.  He  also  imitates  PENROD'S  de- 
tective manner.) 

PENROD.  (Sternly)  You  stop  that,  this  minute. 
You  don't  seem  to  know  that  you're  makin'  fun  of 
detectif  business. 

HERMAN.     What  'is  here — detectif,  hey? 

PENROD.     Me!    I'm  a  detectif. 

HERMAN.    You  hear  'at,  Verman.     Oh,  Lordy! 

(Both  go  off  into  a  spasm  of  laughter.) 

PENROD.  You  don't  believe  me?  Then  look 
here!  (He  throws  back  his  coat  and  displays  his 
detective  badge.  The  effect  on  HERMAN  and  VER- 
MAN is  electric.  They  both  stop  laughing  and  gaze 
at  PENROD  and  his  badge  with  their  mouths  open 
and  a  frightened  look  comes  over  their  faces)  George 
B.  Gray,  Private  Detective,  Ag'cy,  No.  103.  A-g-cy 
— Ag'cy. 

SAM.    That  proves  it,  doesn't  it?    (Comes  to  R.j 

HERMAN,  (c.  Evidently  very  much  impressed) 
How  come — all — dis  yere  business?  Hey — how 
come  it  ? 

VERMAN.    (L.C.)   Uh? 

PENROD.  (At  desk  R.cJ  Now  you  know  who  I 
am,  I  guess  you  better  clear  out  'fore  you  get  ar- 
rested and  everything. 

VERMAN.  Ho!  Hi  hain  hone  'uthin'!  (Oh,  I 
ain't  done  nothing.) 


PENROD  53 

PENROD.    Wha.'s  that? 

HERMAN.  Verman  say,  he  ain't  done  nuthin'  to 
you  and  das  so ! 

PENROD.  Well,  you  look  out,  we  got  some  perty 
dan'grous  business  going  on  here;  Tabber? 

SAM.     (Saluting)    Yes,  Geo.  B.  Jashber. 

HERMAN.    Who  Tabber? 

PENROD.     It's  Sam!     It's  Ms  detective  name. 

HERMAN.    His  who  name  ? 

PENROD.     Never  mind !    You  look  here,  Tabber ! 

SAM.    All  right,  George  B.  Jashber. 

HERMAN.  What  for  you  get  your  little  ole  dog, 
Duke,  tie  up  for?  (Pointing  to  barn  R.) 

PENROD.  He's  our  bloodhound !  (VERMAN  stag- 
gers back  in  fear)  Now  remember,  Tabber. 

SAM.     I  will!     I  got  my  'otterm'atic,  George  B. 

PENROD.  Now  you  poor  old  woman  in  the  red 
shawl — pray  state  your  business. 

HERMAN.  Where  dis  poor  old  woman  in  de  red 
shawl,  huh  ? 

PENROD.  Oh,  keep  quiet  an'  go 'home;  can't  you? 
You  say  your  horse  an'  buggy  has  been  stolen,  Mis- 
sus? Yes,  yes,  Tafober? 

SAM.     Yes,  George  B.  Jashber? 

PENROD.  Here's  another  case  of  the  Bade  gang. 
Very  well,  Missus.  Hark !  There's  one  of  my  best 
men  knockin'  at  the  door.  Tabber,  open  the  door 
an'  let  'him  in. 

SAM.  Oh,  poot!  All  I  got  to  do  is  open  the 
door. 

PENROD.  Walk  in,  Jim !  I  want  you  to  take  this 
poor,  old  woman  in  the  red  shawl 

HERMAN.     I  never  see  anythin'  like  dis  afore 

PENROD.  Shut  up;  can't  you?  And,  Jim — you 
find  her  horse  an'  buggy  for  the  poor  old  woman  in 
the  red  shawl.  Two  thousand  dollars,  Missus.  (He 
pockets  the  money)  Thank  you;  good  day. 


54  PENROD 

HERMAN.  Well,  I  certainly  lookin'  hard  for  ter 
see  dat  poor  old  woman  in  de  red  shawl. 

VERMAN.  ( Who  has  been  following  all  this  most 
intently  with  his  mouth  open,  now  utters  a  cry)  I 
hee  her! 

PENROD.    What's  he  say  in',  Herman? 

HERMAN.    Verman  say  'at  he  see  sumpin'. 

VERMAN.     I  hee  her. 

HERMAN.    What's  dat? 

VERMAN.  I  hee  poor — hole  ooman — 'ith  a  red 
shawl. 

PENROD.    What! 

HERMAN.  Verman  say — fie  see  dat  poor  ole 
woman  in  red  shawl. 

VERMAN.  (Wildly)  I  hee  her !  hare — he  hoes — 
hee  her — hee  her  hoe — hee  her  hoe — hanary — han- 
ary — an'  here's  another  one — hee  her — here's  two  of 
them! 

HERMAN.  (Grabbing  him)  My  Lordy — black 
boy — you  come  along  home. 

PENROD.     Wait  a  minute! 

HERMAN.  Nussah — nussah — when  dis  here 
brother  o'  mine  begins  ter  see  old  womans  in  red 
shawls,  it's  time  ter  go  home. 

PENROD.  No,  you're  not.  Come  here,  an'  bring 
Verman. 

VERMAN.    No!    Igh  got  go! 

PENROD.    Stop  him,  Herman. 

(He  seats  himself  at  his  desk  behind  the  wheel- 
barrow R.C.,  while  HERMAN  catches  VERMAN 
by  the  waist  band  of  his  pants,  and  brings  him, 
struggling  and  complaining  bitterly,  down  to  the 
desk.) 

VERMAN.  Mo !  Hi  go'es  go !  Hi  ain'  'one  noth- 
ing !  Hu — heave  me  ho ! 

PENROD.    Ah,   keep   quiet.      Nobody's   goin*   to 


PENROD  55 

hurt  you.    Listen  here,  how'd  you  both  like  to  be 
detectifs? 
VERMAN.    Mo!    Mo!    (No,  no.) 

(He  starts  to  run,  but  HERMAN  restrains  him.) 

HERMAN.    What  we  got  ter  do? 
PENROD.    Help  me  an'  Tabber  shadow  our  sco'n- 
drel. 

HERMAN.    Who  scounnel? 

('MARGARET  and  DADE  READY) 

PENROD.     We're  shadderin'  this  sco'ndrel  Dade! 

HERMAN.    What  thish  here  shaddin',  hey? 

PENROD.  It  means  follow,  we  all  got  to  follow 
this  sco'ndrel,  Dade,  every  minute,  day  an'  night. 

SAM.  Nights?  Listen,  I  have  to  go  to  bed  at 
nine  o'clock. 

PENROD.  Well,  you  can  shadow  him  until  nine; 
I  can. 

SAM.    Yep! 

HERMAN.  Say,  looky  yere,  who  dis  here  sco'n- 
drel Dade;  hey? 

PENROD.  He's  the  one  comes  here  to  see  my  sis- 
ter Margaret. 

HERMAN.  I  know,  sit  on  po'di  dere,  all  time — 
an*  look  so (He  assumes  a  languishing  expres- 
sion.) 

PENROD.     That's  the  one.    He's  a  horse  thief. 

HERMAN.    Lan'  name !    How  you  know  ? 

PENROD.  'Cause  I  heard  my  father  and  mother 
say  so :  and  I  guess  they  know,  don't  they  ? 

HERMAN.     When  me'n  Verman  goin'  begin? 

PENROD.  Right  off !  Now,  Herman,  you're  Bill. 
Verman's  Jim.  Sam  is  Tabber.  and  I'm  George  B. 
Jashber  or  Number  One  Hundred  and  Three. 
Whenever  you  see  this  sco'ndrel,  Dade — Herman 


56  PENROD 

you  bark  like  a  dog.  (HERMAN  barks  loudly) 
That's  it.  Sam,  you  crow  like  a  rooster.  (SAM 
crows)  An',  Verman, — well,  you  just  yell  out  what 
you  see,  nobody'll  know  what  you're  saying,  any- 
way. You  can  yell  whatever's  going  on,  and  Her- 
man'll  tell  us,  'cause  he  can  understand  you.  Now, 
men,  here's  your  guns.  (Hands  HERMAN  and  VER- 
MAN wooden  guns.) 

SAM.    What  do  we  do  next,  George  B.  ? 

PENROD.  Well,  men,  we  got  to  scatter  an'  see 
if  we  can't  find  our  ole'sco'ndrel  Dade — remember — 
we  gotter  git  him! 

SAM,  PENROD  and  HERMAN.  (Together)  We 
gotter  git  him ! 

VERMAN.     (After  them)    Ee— go — eh  ge'm ! 

(  MARGARET  and  DADE  laughing  off  L.) 
PENROD.     Hush ! 

(The  boys  exit.  PENROD  into  barn — and  SAM 
crosses  stage  and  exit  through  hole  in  hedge — 
HERMAN  behind  barn — and  VERMAN  up  c.  and 
off  around"  house,  goes  way  round  fen-ce  L.u.  to 
gate  L.  and  waits  for  cue.) 

MARGARET.  (MARGARET  and  DADE  enter  at  the 
gate  L.J  Will  you  come  in? 

DADE.  As  though  it  were  possible  for  me  to  say 
no.  (They  come  down  the  path  to  the  veranda.) 

MARGARET.     You  mustn't  let  me  keep  you. 

DADE.  (Fervently)  I  believe  you  could  keep  me 
always,  Princess. 

MARGARET.    You  think  so? 

DADE.  I  am  sure  of  it.  Just  as  Beatrice  kept 
Dante ! 

MARGARET.  Don't  you  think  the  Divine  Comedy 
simply  delicious? 


PENROD  57 

DADE.  Wonderful !  But  the  Inferno  is  rather  a 
hot  subject  for  such  a  warm  afternoon. 

MARGARET.     You  do  say  clever  things,  Mr.  Dade ! 

(As  she  pronounces  the  name,  VERMAN  comes 
through  gate  on  hands  and  knees  and  quickly 
runs  up,  hiding  himself  behind  bush  L.  above 
gate.) 

DADE.  I  wonder  if  you  will  give  me  the  benefit 
of  your  advice,  Princess? 

MARGARET.     Of  course,  Mr.  Dade. 

DADE.  I  like  this  place  so  well  I  am  going  to 
settle  down  here. 

MARGARET.     How  very  nice,  Mr.  Dade. 

VERMAN.  (Gives  a  shrill  cry)  Hi  hee  'im!  (I 
see  him.) 

DADE.     What  was  that? 

MARGARET.  Oh,  just  neighborhood  boys  playing 
in  the  street.  And  you're  going  to  live  here? 

DADE.  I'm  so  sure  of  it,  Princess,  that  I  intend 
to  build  a  home  here. 

MARGARET.     Really  ? 

DADE.  Yes,  and  I  want  your  advice  about  the 
locality. 

MARGARET.     Oh,  Mr.  Dade 

VERMAN.  Hole  Hade  he  here  now!  (Old  Dade 
he  here  now.) 

(MARGARET  and  DADE  go  up  above  house  on  the  L. 
looking  for  the  cause  of  the  noise.  PENROD 
comes  from  barn  R.  as  he  hears  VERMAN'S 
voice.) 

DADE.    (Looks  off)    What  is  that  noise? 
(HERMAN  dashes  around  the  house  R.  to  PENROD.) 


58  PENROD 

HERMAN.    Hija'h!    Mister  Jashber? 
PENROD.    What's  the  matter,  Bill  ? 
HERMAN.    Didn't  you  hear  ? 

(SAM  appears  over  hedge  and  crows  loudly  in  imi- 
tation of  a  rooster.  HERMAN  and  PENROD  hide 
under  shrubs  R.  of  veranda.) 

DADE.  Somebody's  rooster  has  a  bad  cold  evi- 
dently. 

MARGARET.  Shall  we  sit  down  ?  (They  do  so  on 
the  veranda  in  chairs)  Really,  I'm  flattered,  but  I 
know  hardly  anything  about  real  estate  here. 

DADE.  (Very  tenderly)  You  know  where  you 
would  like  to  live,  Princess? 

MARGARET.  (Fluttering  as  she  senses  the  per- 
sonal note  in  his  voice)  Oh,  Mr.  Dade ! 

VERMAN.  Hole  Hade  hippin  hon  hun  hide  hep. 
(Old  Dade  sitting  on  them  side  steps.) 

PENROD.    What's  that? 

HERMAN.  (Translating)  Herman  say :  Ole  Dade 
sittin'  on  de  side  steps. 

PENROD.    Uh  ?    I  guess  I  know  that,  don't  I  ? 

DADE.  I  do  want  a  quieter  spot  than  this  for  my 
home. 

MARGARET.    Well,  let  me  see 

DADE.    Take  time,  Princess ! 

MARGARET.  Let  me  think !  Really,  you  know  the 
responsibility  is  frightful. 

DADE.  Well,  suppose  you  look  over  this ;  it  may 
help  you.  {He  hands  her  -a  folded  paper.) 

MARGARET.     Oh,  what  i's  it,  Mr.  Dade? 

DADE.  A  rough  plan  of  fhe  house  I'm  going  to 
build. 

MARGARET.    How  wildly  exciting,  Mr.  Dade. 

VERMAN.  (From  behind  the  tree  left)  Hole 
Hade  hiving  yo'  histers  haper!  (Old  Dade  giving 
your  sister  a  paper.) 


PENROD  59 

PENROD.    What's  that? 

HERMAN.  (Translating  VERMAN'S  speech)  "Ole 
Dade  giviu'  yo'  sister  a  paper." 

PENROD.  Papers!  I  guess  we've  got  to  rescue 
her  'fore  she  signs  'em ! 

BADE.    Well,  Princess? 

(MR.  S.  READY) 

MARGARET.  Why — it's  a  matter  one  can't  decide 
offhand ;  isn't  it  ? 

DADE.  Not  if  the  charming  Princess  is  inter- 
ested. 

MARGARET.     Oh,  indeed  I  am ! 

DADE.  (Tenderly)  I  hoped  you  would  be !  (He 
lays  his  hand  on  hers.) 

VERMAN.  Hole  Hade  holdin'  yo'  hister's  'and. 
(Old  Dade  holding  your  sister's  hand.) 

PENROD.     What's  that? 

HERMAN.     "Old  Dade  holdin'  your  sister's  hand." 

PENROD.  Golly!  I  guess  we  got  to  do  some- 
thing, Bill. 

(SAM  crows — HERMAN  barks — PENROD  whistles — 
VERMAN  shouts — all  together.  MARGARET  and 
DADE  both  jump  up — DADE  goes  down  L.  and 
MARGARET  R.cJ 

MR.  S.  (Enters  from  the  house)  What's  all 
this  yelling  about  out  here?  (Comes  down  between 
them.) 

(PENROD  and  HERMAN  exit  n..) 

MARGARET.    Just  the  boys  playing,  Papa. 
DADE.     Good  afternoon,  Mr.  Schofield. 
MR.  S.     Oh,  Mr.  Dade. 

MARGARET.  (Rather  flurried)  Mother  home, 
Papa? 

MR.  S.    Came  with  me ! 


i 


60  PENROD 

MARGARET.  I  must  see  her  right  away ;  message 
from  Mrs.  Qarkson  about  the  Trimbles'  party. 
(Starts  for  house)  You  going,  Mr.  Dade? 

DADE.  If  you  will  give  me  the  pleasure  of  es- 
corting you ! 

MARGARET.  Thank  you.  Excuse  me.  (Up  on 
veranda.) 

DADE.     Most  unwillingly. 

MARGARET.  (Smiles  at  him)  You  and  Papa  can 
talk (She  exits  into  the  house  R.J 

(There  is  a  pause  as  the  men  eye  each  other.) 

MR.  S.  (Showing  that  he  has  made  up  his  mind 
to  find  out  about  DADE)  Mr.  Dade 

DADE.  You  know  I'm  very  glad  to  have  this  op- 
portunity to  talk  with  you,  Mr.  Schofield ;  may  I 
offer  you  a  cigar  ? 

MR.  S.  {As  he  takes  it)  Thank  you!  Well, 
what  do  you  want  from  me  ? 

DADE.  Advice !  You  bankers,  I  believe,  are  the 
backbone  of  our  American  institutions. 

MR.  S.  (Swelling  at  the  compliment)  Ahem-m! 
Well,  sir,  we  try  to  do  our  duty  as  citizens  of  this 
Republic. 

DADE.  And  you  succeed  nobly,  Mr.  Schofield. 
Now  I  have  organized  a  corporation 

MR.  S.     Organizing  it  here? 

DADE.  Oh,  we  intend  to  build  our  factory  here, 
it's  a  natural  distribution  center.  The  capital  is 
held  in  New  York  and  Boston. 

MR.  S.     What  you  going  to  make? 

DADE.  An  automobile  polish.  If  a  man  puts  it 
on  his  automobile,  he  won't  have  to  paint  that  car 
for  five  years. 

MR.  S.    Why,  you  don't  mean  it? 


PENROD  61 

DADE.    Oh,  yes,  we've  got  it. 

MR.  S.    Well,  I  don't  see  how  I • 

DADE.  I  simply  want  you  to  advise  me ;  you  have 
a  wide  experience  with  men. 

MR.  S.     Well,  really,  Mr.  Dade! 

DADE.  In  a  few  days  I  should  like  to  open  a 
rather  large  account  with  you,  sir. 

MR.  S.     We  will  try  to  take  care  of  it,  Mr.  Dade. 

DADE.  My  dear  sir,  I  know  the  standing  of  your 
bank  here,  and  so  do  the  men  behind  me. 

MR.  S.  We  endeavor  to  be  safe  and  conserva- 
tive! 

DADE.  My  company  is  a  big  proposition,  Mr. 
Schofield,  and  we  want  to  do  business  with  big  men 
— men  of  force — men  of  tact — men  who  can  see 
things  broadly,  like  yourself.  (He  illustrates  with 
sweeping  gestures.) 

(LIGHTS  DOWN  SLOWLY) 

MR.  S.  (Tremendously  impressed)  Mr.  Dade, 
you  honor  me ! 

DADE.  Not  at  all.  You'll  be  doing  me  a  personal 
favor. 

MR.  S.  I'll  be  very  glad  to  advise  you,  Mr. 
Dade!  (He  shakes  hands  with  DADE.J 

fMRS.  S.  READY) 

VERMAN.  (Behind  his  tree)  Hold  Hade  hakin' 
yo'  happy's  hand!  (Old  Dade  shaking  your  pap- 
py's  hand. 

fSAM  appears  above  the  fence  LV  crowing  wildly — 
HERMAN  barks  loudly  to  PENROD'.J 

MR.  S.  But  not  in  this  bedlam!  Suppose  we 
take  a  stroll? 


62  PENROD 

DADE.  I  am  honored,  Mr.  Schofield.  (They  go 
up  the  lawn  toward  the  gate.) 

(MARJORIE  JONES  enters  at  the  gate  L.) 

MR.  S.     Why,  hello,  Marjorie! 

MARJORIE.  (Comes  down  between  SCHOFIELD 
and  DADE;  How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Schofield  ?  Mr. 
Dade.  Mother  sent  me  over  to  see  if  Mrs.  Schofield 
had  some  yarn  like  this. 

MR.  S.     I  guess  so!    Mary! 

MRS.  S.     (Enters  from  the  house)    Yes,  Henry? 

MR.  S.  Marjorie  wants  to  see  you  about  some 
yarn. 

MRS.  S.     Why,  Marjorie,  dear,  I  didn't  see  you. 

MARJORIE.  Mother  wants  to  know  if  you  can  let 
her  have  some  yarn  like  this  ? 

MRS.  S.  Why,  I  guess  so,  dear.  You  going  up 
the  street,  Henry  ? 

MR.  S.  Mr.  Dade  and  I  have  some  business  to 
talk  over.  (Both  going  out  of  gate.) 

MRS.  S.  Stop  in  at  Miss  Letty's  and  ask  her  if 
she  can  come  and  sew  for  me  Tuesday. 

MR.  S.  I  certainly  will,  my  dear.  Now,  Mr. 

Dade,  if  I  were  in  your  place,  I'd  go  slow (The 

rest  is  lost  as  they  disappear  through  gate  and  exit 

L.) 

MRS.  S.  You  wait  a  minute,  Marjorie,  and  I'll 
try  to  find  the  yarn.  I'm  quite  sure  I  have  some. 
(She  exits  into  the  house — MARJORIE  follows  half 
way  in  house.) 

(At  once  there  is  a  tremendous  activity  in  the 
GEORGE  B.  JASHBER  forces — PENROD  comes  to 
c.,  whistling  shrilly — SAM  crows  loudly,  and 
drops  from  the  top  of  the  fence  L. — HERMAN 
comes  around  the  house,  barking  loudly.) 


PENROD  63 

VERMAN.  (Comes  down  L.C.,  yelling)  He  hone ! 
Hole  Hade  hone.  He  hone — he  hon,  he  hon ! 

PENROD.    Oh,  for  goodness  sakes,  shut  up! 

SAM.    What'll  we  do  now,  George  B.? 

PENROD.  Shadow  ole  Dade — find  put — where  he 
lives !  We  got  to  find  out  where  he  lives. 

(All  start  after  DADE,  PENROD  last.) 

MARJORIE.  (Comes  down — has  watched  the  boys 
from  the  veranda  with  interest)  Hullo,  Penrod ! 

PENROD.  Uh !  (He  sees  MARJORIE — pauses,  and 
then  turns  to  his  men)  Shadow  him,  men — I'll — 
catch  up  with  you. 

VERMAN.    'e  got  to  git  "  'im." 

^PENROD    comes    back.      HERMAN,    VERMAN    and 
SAM  make  a  most  mysterious  exit  gate  Lj 

MARJORIE.  (Comes  toward  him)  What  are 
those  boys  going  to  do? 

PENROD.  Never  mind !  (He  doubles  up  his  fist) 
Did  George  Bassett  come  with  you,  Marjorie? 

MARJORIE.  Yes,  but  his  mamma  told  him  to 
wait  up  at  the  corner — she — she — said  she  didn't 
want  you  to — to  con — contampiate  Georgie. 

PENROD.     Contampiate?    What's  that  mean? 

MARJORIE.     I  don't  know. 

PENROD.  (Darkly)  All  right— she'll  see!  (He 
regards  her  with  a  frown.) 

MARJORIE.  What  is  the  matter  with  you,  Pen- 
rod? 

PENROD.     Nothing  you'd  understand. 

MARJORIE.  There  is,  too.  I  bet  your  papa's 
found  out  sompin'  you  did. 

PENROD.     He  has  not. 

MARJORIE.    Well,  then,  you  think  he's  goin'  to. 

PENROD.     I  do  not ! 


64  PENROD 

MARJORIE.  I'll  bet  that's  it !  (She  begins  to  sing 
in  a  sweet,  taunting  voice.) 

Penrod  knows  they'll  ketch  him  yet, 
So  he's  'fraid  what  he  will  get, 
Oh,  Penrod  Schofield! 

PENROD.  (Darkly)  You  better  stop  that,  Mar- 
jorie. 

MARJORIE.  (Laughing  and  pointing  her  finger 
at  him)  Why  had  I?  Who'll  make  me?  Mister 
Penrod  Schofield,  I'm  goin'  to  sing  it  from  now  to 
the  Fourth  of  July. 

Penrod  knows  they'll  ketch  him  yet, 
So  he's  'fraid  what 

PENROD.  All  right!  (He  starts  away  from  her 
to  L  J 

MARJORIE.  (Repentant)  Wait,  Penrod,  please! 
(Follows  him,  brings  him  back.) 

PENROD.     You  goin*  to  quit  ? 

MARJORIE.  Well,  I  have  quit,  haven't  I?  Pen- 
rod,  what  is  the  matter  with  you? 

PENROD.     You  won't  tell? 

MARJORIE.     Cross  my  heart,  Penrod! 

PENROD.  All  right — look  here!  (He  flips  his 
jacket  back  and  shows  her  the  badge.) 

MARJORIE.  (Not  very  much  impressed)  It's 
right  pretty,  Penrod.  What  is  it  ? 

PENROD.  What  is  it?  It's  a  detecative  badge. 
I  wear  it  because  I'm  chasin'  a  gang  of  crooks. 

MARJORIE.  Why  do  you  have  to  chase  cooks, 
Penrod  ? 

PENROD.     Not  cooks!    Crooks! 

MARJORIE.     What  are — crooks? 

PENROD.  Well,  they  ought  to  be  arrested  and 
I'm  after  this  sco'ndrel  Dade,  'cause  he's  a  crook. 


PENROD  65 

MARJORIE.  Why,  he's  a  grown-up  man;  he 
comes  to  our  house  to  see  papa  sometimes. 

PENROD.     Well,  he's  a  crook,  all  right. 

MARJORIE.  He  is  not,  Penrod.  My  papa 
wouldn't  let  him  come  to  the  house  if  he  was  a 
crook. 

PENROD.  (Gloomily)  Your  father  doesn't  know 
about  crooks — like  I  do.  You  wait  until  this  sco'n- 
drel  Dade  gets  your  father  to — to  sign  some  ole 
papers  an' — an'  then  just  up  and  grabs  everything 
he's  got,  an' — an' — your  father  won't  have  a  cent 
left  to  his  name. 

MARJORIE.     (Much  impressed)     Penrod! 

PENROD.    You  wait  an'  see!    '(Crosses  R.J 

MARJORIE.  Penrod  Schofield,  you  just  made  this 
up  about  Mr.  Dade  yourself. 

PENROD.    Well,  you'll  see! 

MARJORIE.  I  won't  believe  a  word,  unless  you 
tell  me  more. 

(MRS.  S.  READY) 

PENROD.  Well,  my  father  said  this  sco'ndrel 
Dade  stole  horses  and  so  did  my  mother,  and  I 
heard  them  say  it. 

MARJORIE.  (Gasping)  Penrod !  Did  you  hon- 
estly hear  your  father  and  mother  say  that  Mr. 
Dade  stole  horses  ? 

PENROD.  Yes,  I  did!  That  afternoon  of  the 
old  pageant. 

MARJORIE.     Honest  true,  did  you? 

PENROD.  Cross  my  heart,  an'  hope  to  die,  Mar- 
jorie. 

MARJORIE.     Oh ! 

PENROD.  I  guess  you  know  now  your  father'd 
better  look  out  when — this  sco'ndrel  Dade  comes 
around. 

MARJORIE.     Penrod,  it's  just  terrible! 


66  PENROD 

PENROD.  You  bet  it  is!  That's  why  I'm  after 
him. 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  from  the  house)  Here  it  is, 
Marjorie.  I  had  to  go  all  over  the  house  for  it,  but 
I  found  it  finally. 

MARJORIE.    Yes'm!    Thank  you! 

MRS.  S.  You'd  better  hurry  home,  dear,  it  looks 
like  rain  to  me. 

MARJORIE.  I'm  going  right  away.  Good-bye, 
Penrod. 

PENROD.  (Darkly — leaning  against  the  veranda 
with  his  arms  folded)  Remember!  (Roll  of  dis- 
tant thunder.) 

(HERMAN  READY) 

(MARJORIE  looks  at  him,  then  runs  off  through  the 
gate,  scared.) 

MRS.  S.  Remember  ?  What  is  it  you  want  Mar- 
jorie to  remember? 

PENROD.  (Mysteriously)  Oh,  just  something 
she'd  better — remember! 

MRS.  S.  You  are  so  mysterious  lately!  And 
you're  going  to  hurt  your  eyes  if  you  don't  stop 
that.  (HERMAN  has  entered  R. — not  finding  PEN- 
ROD  there  he  begins  to  howl  like  a  dog.)  Goodness ! 
What  is  that?  (Goes  into  house.) 

PENROD.  (Quickly)  I'll  see (He  goes  down 

around  to  the  barn  R.,  where  he  interrupts  HERMAN'S 
howling)  My  goodness,  Herman,  what's  the  mat- 
ter with  you  ? 

HERMAN.  (Coming  down  to  PENROD J  I  doin' 
jes'  what  you  told  me  to,  George. 

PENROD.     Well,  make  your  report,  Bill ! 

HERMAN.     I  done  foller 

PENROD.     Shadow,  you  mean ! 

HERMAN.  Sure,  George !  I  shadder  dat  mean  ole 
Bade 


PENROD  67 

PENROD.    Did  you  find  out  where  he  lives,  Bill? 
HERMAN.     No,  sir  !    He  jes'  kinder  seem  ter  slip 
away  from  me. 

PENROD.     Bill,  I'm  disappointed  in  you. 


.  S.  and  MR.  JONES  READY) 
HERMAN.     Yassah!     I  'spects  you  is! 

(SAM  crawls  through  the  hole  in  the  fence  L.,  pauses 
and  crows  like  a  rooster.) 

PENROD.     Wait  now!     Here's  good  old  Ta'bber. 

SAM.  (Crows  as  he  crosses  stage  to  PENROD) 
Yes,  George? 

PENROD.  You  found  out  where  this  sco'ndrel 
Bade  lives? 

SAM.  (Sheepish)  I  lost  him  somewhere  up 
Pine  Street! 

PENROD.     This  is  a  nice  business. 

VERMAN.  (Runs  on-L.)  I  hee  'im  —  I  hee  'im.  He 
hoom.  !  He  hoom  !  I  hee  'im  !  Hole  Hade. 

PENROD.    What's  he  sayin',  Herman  ? 

fDADE  READY) 

HERMAN.  He  say  :  "Ole  Dade  comin'  !" 
PENROD.  All  right.  (He  buttons  up  his  jacket, 
pulls  his  cap  down  over  his  eyes,  and  examines  the 
gun  he  takes  from  his  pocket)  I'll  attend  to  this 
business  myself.  You  men  stay  in  the  pffice  an' 
wait  for  good  old  George  B.  (Opens  door  and 
ushers  them  in  —  exits  into  barn  R.j 

(The  clouds  have  been  rotting  up  steadily  though 
the  sunshine  still  falls  on  the  veranda.) 

THUNDER 


68  PENROD 

MR.  S.  (Enters  from  street  L.  with  MR.  JONES,) 
Looks  like  we  might  get  some  rain. 

JONES.  I  hope  so ;  I  saw  you  talking  with  this 
young  Dade  up  the  street. 

MR.  S.     Why,  yes,  had  quite  a  confab  with  him. 

JONES.     Just  how  does  he  strike  you,  eh? 

MR.  S.     Seems  to  me  like  a  mighty  smart  fellow. 

JONES.     Did  he  tell  you  about  his  company? 

MR.  S.  Yes,  he  did !  Looks  to  me  like  a  good 
thing. 

JONES.     Glad  you  think  so.    I'm  going  into  it. 

SAM  READY  IN  BARN 

DADE.     (Enters  from  street)    Oh,  Mr.  Schofield. 

THUNDER 

MR.  S.  Look  here,  Mr.  Dade,  if  you  let  Jones 
into  this  company  of  yours,  what's  the  matter  with 
me? 

DADE,  Why,  I  didn't  suppose  a  small  thing  like 
my  company  would  interest  you. 

MR.  S.  I  am  always  ready  to  help  any  enterprise 
that  looks  good  for  this  town. 

DADE.    You  flatter  me,  Mr.  Schofield. 

MARGARET  and  MRS.  S.  READY 

MR.  S.  Not  at  all.  Drop  in  at  the  bank  to- 
morrow and  we'll  talk  it  over. 

(SAM  conies  on  from  barn — he  sees  DADE,  and  sud- 
denly jumps  back,  crowing  loudly.) 

JONES.  (Noticing  that  DADE  has  started  vio- 
lently at  sound  of  S>AH)  What's  the  matter? 

DADE.  Oh,  nothing,  really.  Only  wherever  I've 
been  this  afternoon  I've  heard  roosters  crowing,  and 
dogs  barking  and  the  most  awful  lot  of  gibberish. 


PENROD  69 

MR.  S.  Just  the  youngsters  playing.  Well,  see 
you  to-morrow. 

BADE.    About  ten? 

MR.  S.  That'll  do.  (He  starts  whistling  and 
turns  to  go  in  the  house.) 

JONES  (As  he  exits  L.  with  DADE)  Mr.  Dade, 
you  can  just  put  me  down  for  about  $5,000.  (Exits.) 

(TENROD    rushes    across    stage    and    trails    DADE 
through  gate  and  off.) 

MR.  S.  (Turns  quickly  and  catches  sight  of  PEN- 
ROD  as  he  exits  through  gate)  What  the  H 

MARGARET.  (Enters  on  the  veranda  with  her 
mother)  Oh,  Papa. 

WARNING  LIGHTNING 

MR.  S.     (c.)    What  is  it,  dearie? 

MARGARET.  (*.)  Mother  said  perhaps  I  could 
have  a  new  dress  for  the  Trimbles'  party. 

MR.  S.     You  can  have  two  if  you  want  'em ! 

MARGARET.  And — and  you  won't  make  a  fuss  if 
I  go  to  the  party  with  Mr.  Dade? 

MR.  S.  (Heartily)  Fuss !  Of  course  you  go 
with  Mr.  Dade.  I  tell  you  Mr.  Dade's  a  rising 
young  man.  Wish  we  had  a  few  more  like  Dade  in 
our  city.  (He  exits  into  the  house  singing.) 

FIRST  FLASH  AT  BACK 

^MARGARET  and  MRS.  S.  look  at  each  other  in  amaze- 
ment at  MR.  SCHOFIELD'S  change  of  heart  re- 
garding DADE.  All  are  on  veranda  during  this 
scene.) 

THUNDER 


70  PENROD 

MARGARET.  Well!  Did  you  ever  see  such  a 
change  ? 

MRS.  S.  (L.)  My  dear !  When  you've  been  mar- 
ried a  year,  you  will  give  up  trying  to  understand 
a  man.  (She  notices  a  paper  in  MARGARET'S  hand) 
What's  that  you're  studying  there? 

MARGARET.  (Rather  shyly)  Oh,  just  something 
Mr.  Dade  asked  me  to  look  over.  A — a — bungalow 
plan. 

MRS.  S.  (With  a  teasing  note  in  her  voice)  In- 
deed— already  ? 

MARGARET.  Now,  Mamma.  You  needn't  smile  at 
me  like  that.  (She  sees  ROBERT  entering  L.  and 
makes  a  start  for  the  house  door.)  Oh ! 

THUNDER 

MRS.  S.    What  are  you  running  away  for? 

MARGARET.     (Nods  with  her  head)     Robert! 

MRS.  S.    You  can't!    He  saw  you. 

MARGARET.  Oh,  dear!  (She  stands  by  the  -ve- 
randa pillar.) 

MRS.  S.  {As  ROBERT  comes  toward  the  veranda) 
Well,  are  we  going  to  get  a  storm,  Robert  ? 

ROBERT.  (With  his  eye  on  MARGARET,)  We  cer- 
tainly are !  (There  is  an  awkward  pause.) 

MRS.  S.     (c.)    Well,  it  may  clear  the  air. 

ROBERT.  (L. — gloomily)  The  air  around  here 
needs  a  good  deal  of  clearing. 

MRS.  S.  (After  an  awkward  pause, — anxious  to 
get  away)  I  think  your  father  is  calling  me! 

MARGARET.  (R. — Not  wanting  to  be  alone  with 
ROBERTA  Oh,  no,  he  isn't,  Mamma. 

MRS.  S.  I— I  think  I'd  better  see,  if  you'll  ex- 
cuse me  ?  (She  exits  into  the  house.) 

THUNDER— FLASH  AT  BACK 


PENROD  71 

(For  a  long  moment  there  is  an  oppressive  silence; — 
the  storm  is  coming  nearer  and  thc^e  is  a  rum- 
ble of  thunder.) 

MARGARET.     Hadn't  we  best  go  in  ? 

ROBERT.     No!     I  want  to  say  something  to  you. 

MARGARET.     Yes,  Robert! 

ROBERT.  Margaret.  Margaret,  will  you  be  my 
wife? 

MARGARET.  (Starts  violently,  nearly  falls  off  the 
step  of  the  veranda,  and  clings  to  R.  pillar)  Good 
gracious ! 

ROBERT.  Why  should  you  be  surprised?  You 
know  I  love  you ! 

MARGARET.     But 

ROBERT.  You  "have  seen  it  in  my  face,  my  eyes, 
my  voice  as  I  spoke  your  dear  name.  I  want  you 
for  my  wife,  Margaret,  say  yes,  do — say  it  now. 

MARGARET.    I — I  can't!    (Comes  down  R.c.J 

ROBERT.     Why  can't  you? 

MARGARET.     Because  it's  ridiculous! 

ROBERT.     Ridiculous ! 

MARGARET.  Yes !  You  have  another  year  at  col- 
lege and  then  Law  School — no — I  won't  hear  of 
such  nonsense,  now. 

ROBERT.     But  why  not? 

MARGARET.  I've  just  told  you!  Engaged  be- 
fore you're  out  of  college  ?  No,  you  ought  to  have 
your  utter  freedom. 

CRASH  READY 

ROBERT.  But  I  don't  want  my  utter  freedom, 
Margaret ! 

LIGHTNING  READY 

MARGARET.  You  might !  You  might  see  some- 
one you  cared  more  for 

ROBERT.     (Passionately)     You  know  I  couldn't! 


72  PENROD 

MARGARET.     Men  change,  Robert,  as  life  goes  on. 
ROBERT.     I  see  how  it  is ;  you're  making  excuses 
to  yourself  for  something  in  your  own  soul. 

THUNDER 

MARGARET.  (Very  frigidly)  I  think,  Mr.  Wil- 
liams, I  must  ask  you  to  explain  your  last  remark. 

VIVID  FLASH  IN  FRONT 

ROBERT.  Oh,  I'll  explain.  You  cover  up  your 
refusal  of  me  wifh  consideration  of  my  future,  but 
the  real  reason  is  this — Bade ! 

MARGARET.     Oh,  don't  be  absurd ! 

ROBERT.  Is  it  absurd  when  you  go  out  with  him 
walking ;  when  'he  calls  you  Princess ;  when  he  comes 
nearly  every  evening;  yes,  and  stays  until  after 
eleven  o'clock? 

MARGARET.     Mr.  Dade  is  merely  a  friend. 

ROBERT.  (Laughing  harshly)  A  friend,  ha,  ha ! 
Friends  send  flowers — and — and  walk  home  from 

church  with  you — 'and Will  you  go  to  this 

Trimble  party  with  me  ? — Will  you  ? 

MARGARET.    I — I — can't,  Robert— because 

FLASH  AT  BACK 

ROBERT.     Because  you're  going  with  Dade! 
MARGARET.    Please ! 

DELLA  READY 

ROBERT.    You  are,  aren't  you  ? 

MARGARET.     Oh!    (She  starts  for  the  house.) 

ROBERT.  (Catches  her  hands  and  swings  her 
around  on  his  L.)  Answer  me !  You  are  going  with 
Dade,  aren't  you? 

MARGARET.    Yes ! 


PENROD  73 

ROBERT.     I  thought  so !    Fool  that  I  was. 

MARGARET.    Robert ! 

ROBERT.  Yes,  a  fool,  living  in  a  fool's  paradise 
— believing  that  you  loved  me. 

MARGARET.  You  have  no  right  to — to  speak  to 
me  like  this ! 

ROBERT.  I  have  every  right !  The  right  of  a  man 
who  has  laid  his  heart  at  the  foot  of  a  flirt ! 

MARGARET.     Don't,  Robert! 

ROBERT.    A  vampire! 

VIVID  THUNDER  CRASH 
MARGARET.    Ah ! 

(With  a  loud  crash  the  storm  breaks — dust-clouds 
blow  up  the  street,  c. — the  trees  wave  and  sway 
in  the  zvind — doors  slam — window-blinds  rat- 
tle— vivid  lightning  and  crash  after  crash  of 
thunder — windozvs  are  heard  to  break.) 

BELLA.  (Enters  at  kitchen  door)  Mother  o' 
Moses,  it's  the  end  of  the  world !  (She  picks  up  a 
rug  and  returns  into  the  house.) 

MRS.  S.     (In  the  house)    Henry ! 

MRS.  S.  READY 

ROBERT.  And  I  have  only  one  more  word  for 
you.  Goo'bye.  (As  he  starts  to  go  R.J 

MARGARET.  Robert — don't !  Please  don't  go  like 
this! 

ROBERT.  Goo'bye!  (He  tears  himself  from 
MARGARET  .) 

MARGARET.     Robert,  you'll  get  wet! 

VIVID  IN  ONE 


74  PENROD 

ROBERT.     Wet  ?    I  hope  I  drown ! 

(Heavy  crash  of  thunder.    He  looks  at  sky,  turns 
up  his  coat,  and  exits  into  barn  R.j 

ROBERT  and  SAM  READY 

MARGARET.     Robert ! 

MRS.  S.     (In  the  house)    Henry  Schofield ! 

MR.  S.  (Upstairs)  I  hear  you!  Good  Lord, 
I'm  trying  to  get  this  window  down. 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  at  the  door  on  the  veranda  R.J 
Margaret!  Why,  what's  the  matter? 

MARGARET.  (L.)  Robert — he — he — said  I — I 
was  a  vampire! 

MRS.  S.  Never  mind  if  you  are  a  vampire.  Have 
you  seen  Pen  rod? 

MARGARET.     No,  Mamma! 

MRS.  S.     Henry — Where's  Penrod? 

THUNDER 

MR.  S.  Don't  know!  Come  in!  '(They  go  into 
the  house.) 

VIVID  IN  ONE 


(The  BOYS  push  ROBERT  ou*t  of  the  barn.  SAM 
swings  barn  door  wide  open,  showing  HERMAN 
and  VERMAN  inside.) 

ROBERT.     What's  this  ?    A  robber's  den  ? 

WARNING  CURTAIN 
(Scene  played  quickly  to  climax.) 

SAM.     We're  detectives.     We're  after  that  ole 
crook,  Dade. 


PENROD  75 

ROBERT.    What? 

SAM.  Penrod's  out  now  shaddoin'  him  to  his 
den! 

PENROD,  HERMAN  and  VERM  AN  READY 

ROBERT.     What  for? 

SAM.  I  ain't  'lowed  to  tell  you.  He's  a  horse 
thief. 

ROBERT.     Mr.  Dade  is? 

SAM.     He's  a  horse  thief. 

ROBERT.     I  believe  you're  right ! 

SAM.     We  never  leave  his  trail— day  or  night. 

ROBERT.  Even  when  he  sits  on  the  porch  with 
Penrod's  sister 

SAM.  Yes,  Bob,  and  you  aren't  goin*  to  tell  on 
us? 

ROBERT.     I  certainly  won't. 

PENROD.     (Off  L.)    Wee-oh-kee 

SAM.     Here  he  comes. 

ROBERT.  Here's  a  dollar,  divide  it  with  the  gang, 
keep  on  Dade's  trail  and  catch  this  horse  thief. 

('PENROD  enters,  soaked,  water  running  from  his  cap 
and  jacket — he  dashes  down  to  SAM,  HERMAN 
and  VERMAN.J 

ALL  BOYS.  Wee-oh-kee (As  PENROD  comes 

through  gate  and  down  to  barn.) 

SAM.     Say 

HERMAN.     Hyah!    You  here,  Mr.  Jashber? 

PENROD.  (Excitedly)  Yes,  and  good  old  George 
B.  followed  that — crook  Dade 

ALL  BOYS.    Yes! 

PENROD.  Followed  him — tracked  him  to  his  den 
where  he  lives ! 

SAM.     Where  is  his  den,  George? 


76  PENROD 

PENROD.  This  sco'ndrel,  Bade — lives  at  a  place 
called— the  Y.  M.  C.  A. 

(All  the  BOYS  pull  out  their  wooden  guns  and  say 
very  dramatically:) 

ALL  BOYS.    Ah!!!!! 

CURTAIN 

(PICTURE:   BADE  crossing  the  stage  and  the  FOUR 
DETECTIVES  shadowing  him.) 

(Wait  between  Act  II  and  III — 7  minutes.) 

(Positions  at  curtain — Sam,  Penrod,  Verman, 
Herman.) 

1st.     Four  Boys'  picture. 

2nd.  Bade  and  Boys.  Boys  following  Bade  from 
R.  to  L. 

3rd.     Margaret  and  Bob. 

4th.     Bella  and  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Schofield. 

5th.     Penrod  and  Marjorie  and  Sam. 

6th.     Herman  and  Verman. 

7th.     Penrod. 

8th.    Penrod. 


ACT  III 

SCENE:  At  exactly  eight-thirty  o'clock  on  this 
beautiful  June  evening,  the  house  of  HENRY  P. 
SCHOFIELD  is  the  scene  of  the  most  unusual  ex- 
citement. 

AT  RISE:  MARGARET  is  standing  on  the  veranda, 
drawing  on  her  long  gloves  and  is  arrayed  in 
her  new  dress. 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD,  standing  at  a  little  distance 
•from  her  daughter,  is  admiring  her  with  moth- 
erly pride  in  the  mellow  glow  of  the  electric 
lights  from  the  ceiling. 

Upstairs  the  brilliant  illumination  of  the  win- 
dows and  the  sounds  of  extreme  activity  an- 
nounce that  HENRY  P.  SCHOFIELD  is  getting  into 


Ming  it 
difficul 


his  evening  clothes  with  considerable  difficulty. 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD.     Turn  around,  dear! 
MARGARET.     Does  it  hang  all  right  in  the  back, 
Mamma  ? 

CRASH  READY  AT  RISE 

MRS.   S.     Walk  away  a  little  and  let  me  see! 
(MARGARET  does  so.) 

MR.  SCHOFIELD.     (From  upstairs)    Mary  ? 
MRS.  S.     Yes !    It's  all  right,  my  dear. 
MR.  S.     (At  the  window  upstairs)    Mary ! 

BOB  READY 

MRS.  S.    Yes,  yes,  yes !    What  is  it? 
MR.  S.     Haven't  I  got  more  than  one  collar  'but- 
ton? 

77 


78  PENROD 

MRS.  S.    There's  another  in  my  hairpin  box. 

MR.  S.     Well,  where's  the  hairpin  box? 

MRS.  S.     Top  drawer  of  the  bureau! 

MR.  S.  Oh !  All  right !  (He  disappears  from 
the  upstairs  window.) 

MARGARET.     You  really  like  it,  Mamma? 

MRS.  S.  It's  quite  the  prettiest  dress  you  ever 
had,  dear! 

MARGARET.    Oh,  I'm  so  glad ! 

CRASH  IN  ROOM 

(There  is  a  crash  upstairs,  mingled  with  the  sound 
of  a  masculine  oath.) 

MRS.  S.    What  have  you  done  now,  Henry  ? 

MR.  S.     Pulled  out  this  darned  drawer. 

MRS.  S.     Did  you  find  the  button  ? 

MR.  S.     No !    Yes.    Here's  the  cussed  thing. 

MARGARET.     Do  hurry,  Papa,  it's  half -past  eight. 

MR.  S.  Well,  I'm  doing  the  best  I  can,  ain't  I  ? 
I've  gained  ten  pounds  since  I  wore  this  blamed 
dress  suit. 

(Bos  WILLIAMS  comes  dowvi  the  street  at  back  and 
through  the  gate  L.j 

MRS.  S.     Good  evening,  Robert ! 

BOB.  (Briefly)  Evening,  Mrs.  Schofield.  ('Bos 
has  a  book  in  his  hand)  And — Miss  Schofield. 

MARGARET.  Good  evening,  Bob, — Mr.  Williams ! 
(There  is  a  pause.) 

MR.  S.     (Upstairs)     Damn  the  collar! 

MRS.  S.     Henry  Schofield ! 

(MR.  SCHOFIELD  begins  to  sing  loudly,  "In  the  Sweet 
Bye  and  Bye"  to  cover  his  profane  ejaculations.) 


PENROD  ?£ 

MARGARET.  Oughtn't  you  to  be  dressing  for  the 
Trimbles'  party,  Mr.  Williams? 

BOB.     (Gloomily)    I'm  not  going. 

MRS.  S.     (c. )    Oh,  that's  too  bad ! 

BOB.  (L.)  Unfortunately,  I  have  not  a  frivolous 
mind.  I  prefer  to  remain  at  home  and  read. 

MARGARET.  Indeed!  And  what  are  you  read- 
ing, pray? 

BOB.  (Meaningly)  Camille,  or  the  fate  of  a 
coquette ! 

MARGARET.     Oh ! 

MR.  S.     Mary? 

MRS.  S.     What  is  it  now,  Henry? 

MR.  S.     I  can't  seem  to  tie  this  blasted  tie! 

MRS.  S.  Oh,  I'll  come!  You  never  could  get  a 
tie  right — it  does  seem  to  me  that  going  to  a  party  is 
awfully  hard  work.  (She  exits  into  the  house  c.) 

MARGARET.  It's — it's  a  lovely  evening,  isn't  it, 
Rob— Mr.  Williams? 

BOB.  (Gloomily)  The  weather  doesn't  interest 
me — now. 

MARGARET.     Did  you  get  very  wet  Tuesday? 

BOB.  I  don't  know — I  guess  I  did.  (He  coughs 
hollowly.) 

MARGARET.  (Startled)  Robert — you've  taken 
cold,  haven't  you  ? 

BOB.     Nevermind!    (Coughs.) 

MARGARET.  But  I  do  mind !  That  cough  sounds 
dreadful ! 

BOB.     It  isn't  anything! 

MARGARET.     Have  you  seen  a  doctor  ? 

BOB.     No !     (Coughs.) 

MARGARET.  You  should  see  Doctor  Janney  at 
once. 

BOB.     It  doesn't  matter.     (Coughs.) 

MARGARET.  Oh,  it  does !  If  you  neglect  a  cold 
it's  liable  to 


80  PENROD 

BOB.  To  send  you  into  a  decline,  I  know — one 
of  the  fellow's  in  my  class  went  that  way 

MARGARET.     Robert ! 

BOB.  And  he  was  glad  to  go  because — he  had 
nothing  to  live  for. 

MARGARET.  You  have  everything  to  live  for, 
Robert. 

BOB.  I  thought  so — once;  not  so  very  long  ago, 
life  seemed  to  me  a  precious  gift  to  be  treasured  as 
a  miser  hoards  his  gold — and  I  was  happy,  ha,  ha! 

MARGARET.     Don't,  Robert! 

BOB.  And  then  I  awoke — to  find  my  dream  shat- 
tered. 

MARGARET.     Please 

BOB.  And  life  became  ashes.  Well,  it  doesn't 
matter  because  I'm  going  away. 

MARGARET.     Going  away? 

BOB.  It  hardly  seems  possible  for  me  to  go  on 
living  here — now. 

MRS.  S.  and  DELLA  READY 

MARGARET.     Where — where  are  you  going? 
BOB.     To  Constantinople. 
MARGARET.     Mr.  Dade  told  me  he  lived  there. 
BOB.     Then  I'll  go  to  China. 
MARGARET.     China ! 
BOB.     China ! 

MARGARET.     That's  a  long,  long  way,  Robert ! 
BOB.     The  farther  the  better.    On  the  other  side 
of  the  world,  I  may  learn  to  forget. 

PHONE  READY 

MARGARET.  When — when  do  you  think  you'll  go 
go  to — to  China  ? 

BOB.  Well— I— I— don't  know  exactly— but 
when  I  do  go,  I'll  go — suddenly,  probably  at  an 
hour's  notice,  so  this  is  maybe  good-bye. 


PENROD  81 

MARGARET.  You  wouldn't  go  off  to— -to  China, 
like  that,  in  a  minute,  would  you  ? 

BOB.     In  a  second,  why  shouldn't  I? 

MARGARET.  Why — why — you'd  have  lots  and 
lots  to  do — and  you  would  have  to  say  good-bye  to 
your  friends. 

MRS.  S.  READY 

BOB.    No  one  would  miss  me  in  this  town. 
MARGARET.    Robert    Williams,   you   know   that 
isn't  so! 

BOB.     Would  you  miss  me,  Margaret? 
MARGARET.     Indeed  I  should. 
BOB.    Then 

PHONE  RINGS  IN  HOUSE 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  from  house  R.j  There — 'let  it 
alone,  Henry,  and  it  will  be  all  right.  Goodness, 
shall  we  ever  be  ready  for  this  party  ? 

DELLA.  (Enters  door  c.)  If  you  please,  Miss 
Margaret ! 

MARGARET.    Yes,  Delia! 

DELLA.  Mr.  Dade  wishes  to  speak  to  you  on  the 
phone !  (Exits.) 

("BOB  clenches  his  hands.) 

MARGARET.  Mr.  Dade,  I'll  see  what  he  wants. 
You  will  excuse  me,  Robert. 

BOB.  Please  don't  keep  Mr.  Dade  waiting  on  my 
account. 

('MARGARET  exits  into  house.) 

MR.  S.     (Upstairs)    Mary  ? 

MRS.  S.    What  is  the  matter  now,  Henry? 

MR.  S.    Where  in  thunder  is  my  rest? 


82  PENROD 

MRS.  S.     On  the  back  of  the  chair  in  the  corner. 

MR.  S.  (Quickly)  I've  got  it !  (Lights  go  out 
upstairs.) 

BOB.     (Looks  after  MARGARET  and  sighs)    Ah ! 

MRS.  S.  You  know,  Robert,  I  would  much  rather 
stay  home.  I  always  feel  nervous  when  I  go  away 
even  for  a  few  hours. 

BOB.     I  understand. 

MRS.     S.     But    the    Trimbles    are    newcomers 

MARGARET.  (Clearly  seen  at  the  phone  inside  the 
house)  Oh,  Mr.  Dade! 

fBoB  shows  by  his  face  that  he  is  suffering  keenly.) 

MRS.  S.     So  I  am  goirtg  as  a  duty. 
MARGARET.     (At  the  phone)     That's  so  dear  of 
you,  Mr.  Dade! 

('Bos,  in  agony,  mops  his  face  with  his  hand- 
kerchief.) 

MRS.  S.     It  is  warm  this  evening,  isn't  it  ? 
BOB.     Suffocating ! 

DELLA.     (Enters  from  kitchen  R.C.  with  a  box) 
Miss  Margaret  Schofield? 
MRS.  S.    Yes!    (She  takes  the  box)    Thank  you! 

(DELLA  exits  into   kitchen  R.cJ 

MARGARET.  (Enters  at  the  door  c.)  Oh,  Mamma, 
what  do  you  think  ?  Mr.  Dade  is  coming  for  me  in 
a  limousine. 

MRS.  S.  Why,  it's  only  two  squares  to  the  Trim- 
bles. 

MARGARET.  It's  Mr.  Dade's  way.  (She  sees  the 
box)  What's  that? 

MRS.  S.     Something  for  you,  dear! 


PENROD  83 

MARGARET.     Ah!    (She  unwraps  the  box. ) 

MR.  S.  (Enters  c.,  showing  evidences  of  the  fierce 
struggle  he  has  had  to  get  into  his  evening  clothes) 
There !  If  I  stand  up  straight  and  don't  make  any 
youthful  movements,  I  guess  I'll  hold  together  for 
the  evening.  (He  has  his  coat  over  his  arm)  If 
you'll  give  me  a  hand,  Mary? 

BOB.     Let  me,  sir! 

MR.  S.  Hello,  Bob !  Say,  why  aren't  you  rigged 
out  for  this  shindig  to-night? 

BOB.  (As  he  helps  MR.  S.  into  his  coat)  I'm 
not  going,  sir ! 

MARJORIE  and  GEORGIE  BASSETT  READY 

MR.  S.  (Not  seeing  MRS.  SCHOFIELD'S  frantic 
gestures^  to  avoid  the  dangerous  topic  of  the  party) 
You're  in  luck. 

MARGARET.  Oh,  look !  (She  holds  up  a  bunch  of 
roses.) 

MOTOR  READY 

MRS.  S.     How  sweet ! 

MR.  S.     Hello! 

MARGARET.  (Reading  the  card)  Mr.  Herbert 
Hamilton  Dade. 

MR.  S.  Mr.  Dade  is  a  real  feller !  Say,  look  out, 
Bob! 

BOB.  Pardon,  sir!  Good  evening.  (Crosses 
very  coldly,  pauses,  coughs  loudly,  and  exits  up  R. 
behind  barn.) 

MR.  S.  (Watching  him  as  he  goes)  What  in 
thunder's  the  matter  with  Bob?  fMRS.  SCHOFIELD 
signals  to  him)  Oh,  oh !  "Party  of  the  first  part" 
— Well — 'I've  gained  twelve  pounds  since  I  wore  this 
festive  suit  and  I  can't  afford  to  take  any  chance. 

MARJORIE.  (Enters  at  the  gate  L.  with  GEORGIE 
BASSETTJ  Mrs.  Schofield ! 

MRS.  S.  Yes,  Marjorie !  Oh,  you  do  look  sweet 
and  Georgie,  too ! 


84  PENROD 

MR.  S.    Regular  Princess! 


BADE  READY 


MARJORIE.  Mamma  said  I  was  to  tell  you — she 
and  papa  would  be  a  little  late  at  the  party  'cause 
papa  has  some — some  important  business — to  attend 
to!  So,  please,  could  Georgie  and  I  go  with  you? 

MOTOR 

MRS.  S.  Why,  of  course,  dear.  How  do  you  do, 
Georgie  ? 

GEORGIE.     Good  evening,  Mrs.  Schofield. 

(There  is  the  sound  of  a  motor  off  c.) 

MRS.  S.     Hark! 

VERM  AN  READY 

MARGARET.     It  must  be  Mr.  Bade! 

MRS.  S.     Henry,  you  lock  the  front  door. 

MR.  S.     It  is  locked ! 

MRS.  S.  Go  and  try  it.  You  know  how  absent- 
tninded  you  are ! 

MR.  S.    All  right ! 

MRS.  S.  I'll  see  to  the  windows  down  here! 
(She  exits  with  MR.  SCHOFIELD  into  house.  Taxi 
is  heard  to  stop  c.) 

MOTOR  STOPS 

(DADE  enters  at  the  gate.  He  appears  to  be  very 
nervous  and  casts  sudden  glances  behind.  VER- 
MAN  follows  him  on  hands  and  feet,  shadowing 
him,  and  quickly  disappears  under  a  bush  up  L.) 

MARGARET.     Good  evening,  Mr.  Bade! 
BADE.     (Coming  down  to  MARGARET.)    Am  I  late, 
Princess  ? 
MARGARET.    Not  at  all,  Mr.  Bade. 


PENROD  85 

DADE.    Fact  is  I've  been  rather  annoyed. 

MARGARET.    Thank  you  for  the  roses. 

DADE.  Ah,  yes — glad  you  liked  them,  best  I  could 
do  in  town ! 

MARGARET.  Has  anything  gone  wrong,  Mr. 
Bade? 

SAM,  BOB  and  PENROD  READY 

DADE.    Why,  no! 

MARGARET.    You  seem  rather  nervous ! 

DADE.    Oh,  no,  only 

(From  somewhere  in  the  shrubbery  there  comes  a 
shrill  cry  from ) 

VERM  AN.  Iheehim.  Hehonhep.  ("I  see  him. 
He  on  step.") 

DADE.     (Grasping  his  cane)     Ah! 

MARGARET.    What  is  the  matter,  Mr.  Dade  ? 

DADE.  (Nervously)  Would  you  be  good  enough 
to  tell  me  what  that  awful  noise  is  ? 

MARGARET.    What  noise,  Mr.  Dade? 

VERMAN.  *(Is  heard  again,  from  the  shrubbery) 
Hohe  Hade  hon  hem  hep!  (Old  Dade  on  them 
step.) 

DADE.    There ! 

MARGARET.    W'hy,  that's  o'nly  Verman! 

DADE.     Verman  ? 

MARGARET.  Verman!  (Spells  it)  He's  a  little 
darkey  boy  who  lives  in  the  alley ;  he's  tongue-tied. 

DADE.  Well,  it's  very  curious,  but  I've  stumbled 
over  fifty  colored  'boys  in  the  last  few  days  and  they 
all  seem  to  be  tongue-tied. 

(They  go  into  the  house  c.    BOB  enters  R.J 

SAM.  (Enters  around  the  R.  corner  of  the  house; 
he  is  covered  with  dust;  he  calls  in  a  breathless  way) 
George  B.,  you  here? 


86  PENROD 

BOB.  Hello,  Sam.  What  you  doing1  here,  look- 
ing for  Penrod? 

MRS.  S.  and  MR.  S.,  MARGARET  and  DADE  READY 

SAM.    Yep !    I  got  ter  go,  Bob !    (Crosses  to  cj 

BOB.     Wait  a  minute! 

SAM.     Can't ! 

BOB.     Not  for  twenty-five  cents? 

SAM.     (Taking  ti)    I  guess  so! 

BOB.    How'd  you  get  so  dusty,  Sam? 

SAM.     Shaddein  that  ole  scoundrel  Dade! 

BOB.  That's  right !  Don't  be  afraid  to  ruin  your 
clothes  in  a  good  cause.  I'm  proud  to  have  you  for 
a  brother,  Sam.  Here's  a  quarter  for  you  and  an- 
other for  Penrod.  (Exit  around  and  off  behind 
barn  R.J 

PENROD.  (Enters  at  gate  L.  He  also  is  very  dusty 
and  out  of  breath)  Is  he  here,  Sam,  or 

SAM.  Penrod,  Bob  told  me  to  give  you  this 
quarter.  Say,  what  you  s'pose  has  got  the  matter 
with  Bob  ? 

PENROD.  Don't  know !  Where'd  you  go,  any- 
way? 

SAM.  I  tried  to  keep  up  with  that  old  scoundrel 
Dade.  Thought  you  were  right  behind  me. 

PENROD.  I  was,  'til  I  fell  down.  Where's  Her- 
man? 

SAM.  Last  I  saw  of  him,  he  and  Verman  was 
hangin'  on  the  back  of  old  scoundrel  Dade's  otter- 
mobile.  (They  go  into  the  barn  R.,  half  dosing  the 
door.) 

MR.  S.  (In  the  house)  Well,  everything's  locked 
up  here ! 

MRS.  S.     Where's  your  wrap,  Margaret? 

DELLA  READY 


PENROD  87 

MARGARET.    (In  the  house)    I'll  get  it,  Mamma ! 
SAM,  PENROD  and  MRS.  S.  READY 
(DADE  comes  down  the  veranda  steps.) 

VERMAN.  (In  the  shrubbery  L.)  Hole  Hade 
homin'  down  hep:  (Old  Dade  coming  down  stepj 
(DADE  gives  one  look  at  the  house,  then  grasps  his 
cane  and  darts  for  the  bush.  VERMAN  comes  from 
behind  another  bush,  runs  between  DADE'S  legs,  and 
scampers  off  through  a  hole  in  fence.  DADE  has 
caught  sight  of  VERMAN  and  slashes  at  him  with  his 
cane.  VERMAN  runs  for  the  hole  in  the  fence,  pur- 
sued by  DADE)  Hade  hasin'  me!  Hying  it  me! 
(Dade  chasing  me,  trying  to  hit  me !) 

(He  disappears  through  hole  in  the  fence  and  as  he 
does  so,  the  nether  part  of  his  baggy  trousers 
catches  on  a  nail  from  which  he  frees  himself 
with  a  yell  of  anguish,  leaving  a  part  of  this 
necessary  garment  hanging  there.  DADE  re- 
traces his  steps  towards  the  house.) 

MARGARET.  (Enters  from  the  house,  followed  by 
MR.  SCHOFIELD,  as  the  lights  go  out  in  the  front 
room)  Here  we  are,  Mr.  Dade. 

DADE.  All  ready !  Will  you  come  in  the  machine 
with  us,  Mr.  Schofield? 

MR.  S.  Well,  now  that's  very  kind  of  you,  Mr. 
Dade. 

DADE.     Not  at  all ! 

MARGARET.     Mamma !    Where  are  you  ? 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  at  the  kitchen  door  with  DELLA) 
The  front  of  the  house  is  all  locked  up,  Delia. 

DEJXA.     Yes,  ma'am. 

MRS.  S.  I  thought  Jarge  was  coming  to  spend 
the  evening  with  you. 


88  PENROD 

DELLA.  Well,  ma'am,  Jarge  is  late— he  always 
was  late  an'  I'm  thinking  he  always  will  be. 

MRS.  S.  Well,  it's  all  right  as  long  as  you  don't 
mind  being  alone  here Where's  Penrod? 

PENROD.  (Comes  from  barn  R.)  Here  I  am, 
Mamma ! 

MRS.  S.     Is  that  Sam  with  you  ? 

SAM.     Yes'm ! 

MRS.  S.  Now  you  two  be  good  boys  and  play 
here  quietly  and  Penrod,  remember,  you  are  not  to 
go  out  of  the  yard ! 

PENROD.     No,  Mamma ! 

MRS.  S.  And  remember,  Penrod,  you  are  to  go 
to  bed  at  9  o'clock. 

PENROD.  Oh,  Mamma,  it's  most  nine  now  and 
we  have  a  lot  to  do.  Haven't  we,  Sam  ? 

SAM.    Yes,  Mrs.  Schofield. 

MRS.  S.     Well,  half-past  nine,  then. 

MR.  S.  (Has  gone  to  the  gate  with  MARGARET, 
BADE,  MARJORIE  and  GEORGIE,  now  he  comes  back 
down  the  path  for  MRS.  SCHOFIELD,)  Come,  Mary ! 

MRS.  S.  I'm  coming,  Henry !  (She  kisses  PEN- 
ROD)  Good  night,  dear,  be  a  nice,  good  boy ! 

BELLA  and  JARGE  READY 

PENROD.    Yes'm ! 

MR.  S.    Bon't  set  the  house  on  fire,  son ! 

PENROD.  No,  Papa,  I  won't.  ("PENROD  and  SAM 
go  into  the  barn.) 

MRS.  S.  Goodness,  Henry,  don't  think  of  such  a 
thing.  (She  starts  towards  the  gate  and  then 
pauses)  Henry ! 

MR.  S.    Wdl,  what  is  it,  my  dear? 

MRS.  S.  You  didn't  bring  any  money  home  from 
the  bank,  did  you  ? 

MR.  S.    Why,  no! 

MRS.  S.  But  I  saw  you  with  that  bag  you  usually 
earn7  it  in. 

MR.  S.     It  was  empty,  Mary ! 


PENROD  89 

MRS.  S.    Well,  I'm  glad !    I  wouldn't  stir  a  step 
if  you  had  left  any  sum  of  money  in  the  house. 
DADE.    All  ready,  Mrs.  Schofield. 
MRS.  S.     Oh,  are  we  going  to  ride? 

MOTOR  READY 

MR.  S.    That's  what  Mr.  Dade  says. 
MRS.  S.     Why,  how  nice (They  exit.) 

PENROD  and  SAM  READY 

("BELLA  has  followed  them  half -way  to  the  gate;  as 
she  turns  JARGE  enters  slowly  R.,  chewing  a 
straw.) 

JARGE.     Hullo,  Delia ! 

BELLA.  Well,  Lord  of  Heaven,  an'  is  that  you, 
Jarge? 

HERMAN  READY 

JARGE.    Yep !    I'm  here ! 

BELLA.  I  just  came  out  to  look  for  you.  Well, 
what  kept  you? 

JARGE.  There  was  a  man  run  over  on  Main  Street 
and  I  waited  to  see  'em  take  him  away  in  an  am- 
bulance. 

BELLA.  No?  Well,  come  in.  Have  you  had 
your  supper? 

JARGE.  Yep!  But  I  can  eat  ag'in!  (Exeunt 
kitchen  R.cJ 

SAM.  (To  PENROD.  They  come  out  of  barn) 
Well,  what  we  gdin'  to  do;  now,  George  B.  ? 

MOTOR  START  AND  DIE  AWAY 

PENROD.  My  goodness,  we  got  to  wait  for  Bill 
an'  Jim  to  report,  haven't  \ve? 


90                             PENROD 
SAM.     Well,  supposin' 

(He  is  interrupted  by  the  entrance  of  HERMAN,  who 
enters  slowly  around  the  barn  R.  HERMAN  has 
evidently  passed  through  a  severe  experience, 
for  he  is  covered  with  mud  and  dust,  he  limps 
and  his  clothes  show  numerous  large  rents.) 

PENROD.     (In  a  deep  voice)    Well,  Bill 

HERMAN.    You  stop  'at! 

PENROD.    Why  ? 

HERMAN.  'Cause  I  ain't  Bill  no  more.  Fse  jest 
Herman,  an'  I'se  thoo' !  You  hear  me,  white  boy. 
Fse  is  thoo'! 

SAM.    You're  through? 

HERMAN.  I's  thoo'  with  this  yere  shaddin'!  I 
ain't  goin'  ter  shadder  no  mo' ! 

PENROD.     Say,  look  here,  you  goin'  ter  quit? 

VERMAN  READY 

HERMAN.     I  aw  quit! 

PENROD.    What  ? 

HERMAN.  Yes,  sir!  I  climb  on  de  back  o'  old 
Dade's  machine  an'  it  throw  me  off  inter  a  puddle — 
tear  ma  pants 

(He  pauses  as  VERMAN  enters  through  the  hole  in 
the  fence,  limping  and  complaining  loudly.) 

VERMAN.  Hole  Hade  hit  me !  He  hid.  Hi  ha  hi 
hants,  here  hem  hof  ho  he ;  ho,  hear.  Ho,  hear ! 

/HERMAN  goes  to  him.) 

PENROD.  Shut  up,  Verman!  What's  the  mat- 
ter with  you,  anyway  ? 

HERMAN.  Verman  he  say,  ole  Dade  hit  him,  an' 
he  tear  his  pants.  Lemme  see.  (He  turns  VER- 


PENROD  91 

MAN  arcund)  Ma  Lordy !  Black  boy,  you  sure  is 
in  trouble  on  one  side  o'  you. 

PENROD.    Well,  that  ain't  anything. 

HERMAN.  Ain't  anything?  It's  a  good  deal  to 
anyone  who  ain't  got  any  more  pants. 

PENROD.  Aw — detectives  got  to  go  through  more 
than  that. 

HERMAN.  Let  'em,  they  kin !  I  ain't  detective  no 
mo',  Fse  thoo'.  (Going.) 

VERMAN.     Hi hoo!    Hihoo!    {Going.) 

HERMAN.  You  hear  dat,  boss.  Verman  says  he 
thoo',  too! 

PENROD.  An'  you  goin'  to  let  this  scoundrel  Dade 
go  on  stealin'  horses  an' — an'  gettin'  people  to  sign 
old  papers,  like  he  does? 

HERMAN.  I  sut'ny  am!  I  don't  care  what  ole 
Dade  do  no  more.  On'y  thing  'at  int'rest  me  now  is, 
how  bad  a  lammin'  mammy  goin'  give  me  when  she 
see  my  pants,  dat's  all,  I  quit!  (He  exits  around 
the  barn  R.) 

VERMAN.     (Going)    I  hoo!    I  hoo! 

PENROD.  (To  VERMAN,)  Look  here!  I'm  not 
goin'  to  lose  two  o'  my  best  men  all  at  one  time. 
YOU  got  to  stay,  Verman. 

(VERMAN  salutes  and  sits  down  on  veranda.) 

BOB.  (Enters*.)  Here,  what's  the  matter?  Why 
aren't  you  men  on  the  trail? 

PENROD.  One  o'  my  best  men's  just  resigned  and 
I  promised  mamma  I  wouldn't  go  outside  the  yard. 

SAM.  And  I  can't  go  anywhere  except  over  here 
or  OUR  yard.  Mamma  said 

BOB.  Well,  here's  Verman.  He  can  go  to  the 
party,  can't  he? 

PENROD.     He's  just  resigned,  too. 

BOB.    Verman,  you  join  again. 

VERMAN.    I  hoo'. 


92  PENROD 

BOB.    Here's  my  last  quarter. 

VERMAN.     (Getting  up  and  grinning)    I  hoin. 

BOB.  You  know  where  the  party  is.  You  can 
hear  the  fiddling  from  right  yonder.  Keep  after 
him !  Keep  close  to  the  windows — keep  close  to 
the  verandas — anywhere,  wherever  you  see  him— — 

VERMAN.  We  got  to  git  him !  (Runs  off  behind 
barn.) 

BOB.  That's  right,  men,  we  got  to  git  him! 
(Laughs  and  exits.) 

PENROD.     Well,  this  is  a  fine  business. 

SAM.  Say,  I  know  somepin'  that'll  make  Her- 
man come  back. 

PENROD.     Well,  if  you  do,  Tabber,  tell  me. 

SAM.  It  ain't  anything  to  tell  you,  so  much ;  it's 
more  somethin'  to  show  you. 

PENROD.    Well,  Show  it  to  me! 

SAM.  I  haven't  got  it  here,  but  I  can  get  it,  I 
guess,  over  at  my  house. 

BELLA  READY 

PENROD.  I  know  everything  you  got  over  there, 
Sam. 

SAM.  Not  this,  'at  I  mean.  You  wait  here  an' 
I'll  see  if  I  can  get  it.  (He  exits  R.) 

•( PENROD  enters  the  barn  and  lights  his  old  lantern.) 

PENROD.  Well,  George  B.,  what  d'you  think 
we'd  better  do,  'bout  this  ? 

JARGE.  (Enters  from  kitchen;  he  is  eating  a 
doughnut  thoughtfully  and  pauses  as  he  sees  PEN- 
ROD)  'Lo,  Penrod? 

PENROD.  'Lo,  Jarge!  What  you  doin'  round 
here? 

JARGE.  Came  over  to  be  comp'ny  fur  Delia  while 
your  ma  an'  pa's  to  the  party.  Delia  sort  o'  gets 
skittish  when  she's  alone. 


PENROD  93 

PENROD.    Huh !    I  guess  I'm  here,  ain't  I  ? 

JARGE.     Oh,  yes,  I  forgot  that. 

PENROD.  (Bragging)  I  do  perty  near  anything 
I  want  to  around  here,  Jarge,  and  if  Delia  was  to 
get  skittish  or  anything,  I'd  just 

DELLA.  (Entering)  Musther  Penrod,  it's  nine 
o'clock  and  I  had  to  put  ye  to  bed  then,  so  come 
along  quick  and 

PENROD.  (Injured)  Mamma  said  half-past 
nine. 

DELLA.     Well,  it  is  half-past  nine  exactly. 

PENROD.     How  CAN  it  be  when  you  just  said 

DELLA.  (Talks  fast  throughout)  It's  long  after 
half-past  nine  and 

PENROD.  I'll  bet  five  hunderd  million  dollars  it's 
not  nine  o'cl 

DELLA.  Come-on-this-minute — I-goMer — put — 
ye-to-bed  !  (All  in  breath.) 

PENROD.  (Crosses  to  L.  on  veranda)  I  won't  do 
it.  If  I  got  to  go  to  bed,  I'll  put  myself  to  bed. 
I'm  nor  goin'  to  have  a  whole  lot  o'  women  puttin' 
me  to  bed,  anyway. 

DELLA.  (Testily)  Am- I-a-"whole-lot-o'- women  ?" 
— answer  me — that ! 

PENROD.  I  don't  care  whether  you're  a  whole 
lot  o'  women  or  whatever  you  are,  you  don't  put  ME 
to  bed  when  it's  only  about  a  minute  or  two  after 
eight  o'clock  or  somep'n,  and  I  don't  care  HOW 
many  women !  I'm  not  going  to  be  put  to  bed  by 
any  women  at  all! 

DELLA.     Then  who's  goin'  to  put  ye  to  bed? 

PHONE  READY 

PENROD.  I  got  some  rights  in  this  country,  I 
guess ! 

DELLA.  (Testily)    What's  he  talkin' about  now  ? 

PENROD.  I  guess  I  got  some  rights  in  this  coun- 


94  PENROD 

try  not  to  haf  to  be  put  to  bed  by  a  whole  lot  of 

DELLA.  I'll  count  ten  and  if  ye  don't  march  along, 
I'll  telephone  yer  papa  and  mamma  right  at  the 
party!  One — two (Counts  slowly.) 

PENROD.  (Desperately  injured)  Go  on  and  tele- 
phone 'em.  I'll  walk  right  over  there  into  their  ole 
party  and  I'll  tell  papa  and  mamma  and  everybody 
there  that  you  tried  to  put  me  to  bed  when  it  wasn't 
hardly  dark  yet  and  I  got  some  rights  in  this  coun- 
try not  to  be  put  to  bed  by  any  women.  .  .  . 

DELLA.  (Stops  counting;  at  nine)  All  right, 
then.  Jarge'll  put  ye  to  bed  f er  me. 

PENROD.  I  won't  do  it!  Jarge  hasn't  got  any 
rights  in  this  country  to  put  me  to  bed.  He  don't 
work  for  papa,  and  I  don't  care  who's  goin'  to  put 
me  to  bed,  I'm  not  goin'  to  bed. 

DELLA.     (Resuming    quickly) — Nine — ten ! 

(Advances  on  him)    There'll  be  no  more  argument. 

PHONE  RINGS  IN  HOUSE. 

PENROD.  (Triumphantly)  There  goes  the  tele- 
phone !  (Points  at  house.) 

DELLA.  I'll  tend  to  ye  whin  I  come  out!  (Ex- 
its at  kitchen  door  R.cJ 

JARGE.  I  guess  you've  gone  up,  Penrod.  Delia's 
a  awful  determined  girl. 

PENROD.  Jarge,  when  she  comes  out,  7  tell  you 
what  you  do;  you  go  in  and  take  the  hands  off  the 
kitchen  clock 

TARGE.     (Protesting)     I  might  bust  'em 

PENROD.  Yes,  and  drop  'em  out  the  window  or 
somep'n. 

JARGE.  Then  she'd  ask  me  what  time  it  was  by 
my  watch. 

PENROD.  Well,  drop  your  watch  out  the  win- 
dow  

JARGE.    No,  sir. 


PENROD  95 

PENROD.    Well,  what  are  you  goin'  to  do  ? 

JARGE.  Looks  to  me,  like  it's  more  like  what  are 
YOU  goin'  to  do  ? 

PENROD.  Well,  I'm  not  goin'  to  be  put  to  bed  by 
any  women,  that's  one  thing  certain!  And  if  she 
tries  it,  I'll  just  give  her  one  look  at  my  badge. 
Then  I  guess  she'll  know  better! 

DELLA.  (Inside)  Oh  me,  oh  my,  and  just  to 
think  of  it !  Oh  me,  oh  my,  oh  my,  etc.,  etc.  * 

JARGE.  Listen!  She's  makin'  a  big  fuss  over 
something.  She's  comin' 

PENROD.  (Nervously  slipping  into  stable)  Don't 
you  tell  her 

DELLA.  (Enters  in  gre'at  grief  from  house) 
Ochome !  Wirasthrew ! 

JARGE.     What's  the  matter? 

DELLA.  Sure  an'  me  sister  Katy  has  fallen  down 
the  cellar  stairs  an'  busted  two  of  her  ribs  an'  a  leg, 
entirely. 

JARGE.     I'd  like  to  have  been  there!     Too  bad! 

DELLA.  Of  course  you  would,  you  rubber-neck. 
An'  they  phoned  me  to  come  quick. 

JARGE.     I  guess  you  orter! 

DELLA.  I  can  get  a  car  at  the  corner.  (She  is 
putting  on  her  hat  and  a  light  shawl)  Lock  the 
kitchen  door  for  me,  Jarge! 

SAM  READY 

JARGE.     Sure  will. 

DELLA.     (Takes  the  key  from  him)    Now  pay  at- 
tention to  what  I  say. 
JARGE.    Yep ! 

PHONE  READY 

DELLA.  You  put  me  on  a  car  an'  thin  go  to  Mr. 
Dailey's  an'  tell  Minnie  Shea  who  works  there,  that 


96  PENROD 

she's  to  come  over  'here  an'  stay  with  that  divil  of 
a  Penrod  until  Mrs.  Schofield  comes  home. 

JARGE.     I  will ! 

DELLA.  There's  got  to  be  someone  here,  d'ye 
mind,  or  that  divil  of  a  Pinrod'll  raise  ructions — 
an*  don't  be  late  about  it,  an'  don't  wait  if  ye  hap- 
pen to  see  a  dog  fight,  or  an'  accident  or  a  murder. 

JARGE.     I  won't,  Delia! 

BELLA.  (As  they  go  up  c.)  An'  Katy  only  mar- 
ried two  years  an'  wid  a  baby  four  months  old,  bad 
luck  to  them  cellar  stairs.  I  always  warned  her 
ag'in  them.  (She  is  going,  JARGE  following  her. 
As  he  goes  he  is  looking  behind  the  bushes  and 
muttering  mysteriously — GEORGE  B.  JASHBER — De- 
tective.  DELLA  comes  back  and  gives  him  a  pull. 
He  knocks  down  a  large  plant  in  a  box.  It  falls 
across  the  path)  There  now,  see  what  you've  done, 
you  great  big  omadhaun !  Come  on  out  o'  that, 
Jarge,  me  sister'll  be  dead  and  buried  before  you  get 
me  on  the  car.  (Grabs  him  and  exits  through 
gate  L.) 

PHONE 

SAM.  (Enters  breathlessly  R.  He  has  something 
under  his  jacket;  knocks  mysteriously  on  barn  door. 
PENROD  answers)  George  B.  George  B.  You  here? 

PENROD.  (Coming  out,  gloomily)  Golly!  It's 
tough  when  the  women- folks  want  to  put  a  detecative 
to  bed. 

SAM.  I  bet  I  got  somethin'  that'll  make  'em  come 
back. 

PENROD.     What  you  got  there? 

SAM.  This!  (He  produces  a  large  sise  Cplfs 
revolver  of  the  heaviest  pattern.) 

PENROD.    Sam ! 

SAM.  I  got  her  out  of  the  lower  drawer  in  the 
bureau  in  papa's  room. 

PENROD.    Leave  me  have  her ! 


PENROD  97 

SAM.  (R.C.)  Wait  a  minute!  I  want  to  show 
you  how  I  do. 

PENROD.  (R.  Laying  violent  hands  on  S>AM)  No! 
You  let  me  show  you  how  /  do.  (They  scuffle  for 
a  moment  over  the  revolver  and  change  sides,  PEN- 
ROD  R.C.,  SAM  Rj 

SAM.     Look  out! 

PENROD.  Then  you  let  me  have  her!  ('SAM  re- 
linquishes the  revolver  and  PENROD  steps  back  with 
it  in  his  hand)  Look !  Watch  me,  Sam — this  is  the 
way  good  old  George  B.  Jashber  does.  You  be  a 
croak,  like  old  Dade — an'  suppose  you  got  a  dag- 
ger. 

SAM.  I  don't  want  any  dagger.  That's  my 
father's  revolver. 

PENROD.     Wait  a  minute ;  can't  you  ? 

SAM.     (Firmly)     It's  my  father's  revolver! 

PENROD.  All  right!  I'll  bet  you  don't  darst  to 
shoot  her  off ! 

SAM.     I  do,  too! 

PENROD.  All  right !  I  dare  you  to  shoot  her ! 
(As  SAM  takes  the  revolver.) 

SAM.     I  ain't  afraid. 

PENROD.  Well,  let's  see  you  then ;  you  talk  so 
much ! 

SAM.  (Looking  at  the  big  revolver  and  quaking) 
It — it  might  break  somethin'  if  I  hit  it ! 

PENROD.     Hold  her  up  in  the  air,  then. 

SAM.  All  right!  (He  elevates  the  gun  and  puts 
the  free  hand  up  to  his  ear.) 

PENROD.  {Both  hands  over  Ms  ears)  Well,  go 
ahead ! 

SAM.     I  can't  pull  the  trigger. 

PENROD.     Ho!     I  bet  I  could  pull  her! 

SAM.  (Promptly  handing  PENROD  the  revolver) 
All  right,  you  try  her  then ! 

PENROD.  (Inwardly  scared,  but  carrying  it  off 
with  a  bold  front)  Well,  you  just  watch  me. 


98  PENROD 

SAM.     I  bet  you're  afraid,  yourself ! 

(The  glow  of  a  flashlight  is  seen  at  upper  window  of 
house.) 

PENROD.  Oh,  I  am,  am  I !  (He  raises  the  big 
revolver  and,  as  he  does  so,  the  window  directly 
over  the  veranda  is  raised  noiselessly  and  a  ntan  is 
seen  to  emerge;  he  has  a  bag  in  his  hand.) 

SAM.     I'll  bet  you're  afraid  yourself! 

PENROD.    Oh,  I  am,  am  I  ? 

(There  is  a  terrific  bang  as  the  big  revolver  goes  off ; 
its  bullet  breaks  the  window  directly  above 
the  man's  head  on  the  veranda  roof.  He 
gives  a  scared  yell  and  then  says,  "Oh,  hell," 
and  disappears  back  into  the  house.  It  is 
TIM.) 

MR.  S.,  MRS.  S.,  MARGARET  READY 

(After  shot  is  fired,  PENROD  gives  revolver1  to  SAM, 
who  puts  it  under  his  jacket.) 

(Play  following  scene  very  slowly.) 

PENROD.  '(Also  terribly  scared)  Sam,  we  shot 
somebody ! 

SAM.     You  shot  somebody! 

PENROD.    Well — it  was  your  revolver! 

SAM.    And  you  did  it! 

PENROD.    Look  if  whoever  it  is,  is  laying-  there ! 

SAM.  I  won't!  I  didn't  kill  him.  You  look 
yourself. 

PENROD.  (Takes  hold  of  SAM,)  What  we  got 
to  do — we  got  ter  both  run  away  from  here.  (As 
they  move  forward.) 


PENROD  99 

SAM.    I  don't  want  ter !    I  didn't  kill  him. 
PENROD.    You  got  ter ! 

MRS.  S.    (Heard  off)    There's  no  use  talking  to 
me,  Henry! 
PENROD.    Listen ! 
MRS.  S.    No  use  in  the  world ! 
PENROD.     Oh,  golly !    It's  poppa  and  mamma ! 

(PENROD  and  SAM  exit  to  barn  R.     Close  door.) 

MRS.  S.  (Enters  from  L.  through  the  gate,  fol- 
loived  by  MR.  SCHOFIELD  J  I  tell  you  there's  some- 
thing wrong. 

MR.  S.     But— Mary 

MRS.  S.  I  tell  you  I  telephoned  and  nobody  an- 
swered. Delia  has  gone  out  and  left  the  house  with 
poor  little  Penrod  all  alone. 

MR.  S.     Nonsense,  Mary ! 

MRS.  S.  And  I  know  that  was  a  pistol  shot  we 
heard  as  we  turned  the  corner. 

MR.  S.     Oh,  some  car  had  a  blowout ! 

MRS.  WILLIAMS  READY 

MRS.  S.     (Screaming)    Oh! 

MR.  S.     What's  the  matter?  ^ 

MRS.  S.  Isn't  that  a  man  lying  in  the  path?  Is 
it  a  body  ? 

(MR.  SCHOFIELD  picks  up  bush  that  JARGE  knocked 
over.) 

WARNING  CURTAIN 

MARGARET.  (Enters  from  L.,  running,  hysteri- 
cal) Oh,  Mr.  Dade— Mr.  Bade— Mr.  Dade ! 

SCHOFIELD.     What's  happened  to  Mr.  Dade? 

MARGARET.  Mr.  Dade  is  gone,  he's  gone,  he's 
gone. 

MR.  S.     Gone  where? 


ioo  PENROD 

MARGARET.    He's  gone — he's  gone. 

MRS.  S.  Give  me  the  key.  (They  open  the  door 
and  go  into  the  house,  MARGARET  calling  MR. 
DADE  and  MRS.  SCHOFIELD  calling  PENROD  ,)  Where 
is  Penrod?  Penrod!  Penrod ! 

MR.  S.  (Following  them)  Oh,  look  here — look 
'here !  (Shuts  door  after  him.) 

PENROD.  Did  you  hear  Margaret,  Sam,  we've  shot 
our  old  scoundrel  Dade ! 

SAM.    You-u — shot  him ! 

PENROD.     Oooh ! 

MRS.  WILLIAMS.     (Off-R.)    Samuel!    Samuel! 

SAM.  It's  mamma !  I  got  to  go — I  didn't  have 
any  business  stayin'  out  after  nine  o'clock.  (Crosses 
around  PENROD  above  barn  R.) 

PENROD.  Are  you  goin'  to  leave  me  here 
alone  ? 

SAM.  I  got  to  go  home  and  go  to  bed,  I  tell  you. 
(He  exits  R.J 

PENROD.     Golly,  this  is  an  awful  mess! 

MRS.  S.     (Off)    Penrod !    Penrod ! 

^PENROD  half  starts  towards  house  when  MR.  S. 
calls:) 

MR.  S.  Penrod !  When  I  get  my  hands  on  that 
boy 

( PENROD,  left  by  himself,  decides  that  the  only  thing 
left  for  him  to  do  is  to  run  away.  He  is  about 
to  go,  but  remembers  his  old  dog  Duke,  goes 
back  to  the  barn  and  gets  Duke,  a  poor  old  mon- 
grel on  a  heavy  rope.  PENROD  is  sobbing  and 
as  he  gets  to  center  he  says:) 

PENROD.  Duke — I  bet  cha — I  bet  cha,  we're  both 
of  us — goin'  to  be  over  sixty-five  years  old — before 


PENROD  101 

we  either  of  us — see  this  old  place  again— come  on, 
Duke.     (Waving  to  house)     Goo'-bye.     (Exits.) 

CURTAIN 


FIRST  CURTAIN— All  grownups. 

SECOND  CURTAIN— Penrod,  George  Bassett, 
Margaret  and  Sam. 

THIRD  CURTAIN— Herman  and  Verman. 
FOURTH  CURTAIN— Sam  and  Penrod. 
FIFTH  CURTAIN— Penrod  and  Duke. 
(Wait  between  Act  III  and  ACT  IV— n  minutes .) 

CURTAIN 


ACT/TV 

SCENE  :  The  SCHOFIELD  living-room,  half  an  hour 
later.  Door  R.C.  -at  the  rear  leads  to  the  front 
hall.  Double  doors  L.C.  open  on  the  parlor.  In 
the  watt  L.  there  is  a  door  opening  upon  the  ve- 
randa of  Act  HI.  This  door  has  a  rather  large 
window  on  each  side  of  it.  There  is  an  en- 
trance to  the  kitchen  in  the  right  wall.  A  round 
table  in  the  center  of  the  room;  a  sideboard  at 
the  back,  between  the  two  entrances.  There  are 
an  armchair  and  a  footstool  R.  There  are  other 
plain  chairs  in  the  room. 

(NOTE. — Act  IV:  If  played  in  one  setting, 
MR.  SCHOFIELD  comes  out  of  the  house  at  rise 
of  curtain,  calling:  "PENROD,  PENROD!"  He 
switches  on  the  veranda  light  to  give  more  illu- 
mination for  the  comedy  scenes,  then  goes  to 
barn  R.,  knocks  his  shins  on  the  wheelbarrow, 
which  he  angrily  takes  from  the  barn  and  places 
R.C.  for  SAM  to  sit  on  during  his  scene.) 

DISCOVERED:  As  the  curtain  rises,  the  room  is 
empty.  Half  an  hour  has  elapsed  since  the  end 
of  Act  III. 

SAM  READY 

MR.  SCHOFIELD.  (Is  heard  somewhere  off  R.cJ 
Penrod !  Penrod !  Where  are  you,  Penrod  ?  (He 
enters  at  the  door  R.C.,  visibly  much  perturbed — 
mopping  his  face)  Delia!  Where  in  blue  blazes 
is  everybody,  I'd  like  to  know? 
102 


PENROD  103 

MRS.  SCHOFIELD.  (Enters  R.)  Henry  I  Did  you 
find  Penrod? 

MR.  S.  Find  him?  No;  and  I've  been  all  over 
the  house.  Where  did  you  go,  Mary  ? 

MRS.  S.     Over  to  the  Williamses. 

MR.  S.    What  for? 

MRS.  S.  Because  we  left  Sam  here  with  Penrod 
when  we  went  to  the  party 

MR.  S.    That's  so ! 

MRS.  S.  And  I  thought  perhaps  Sam  would 
know  something. 

MR.  S.     Does  he? 

MRS.  S.  I  thought  you  had  better  talk  to  him. 
(She  goes  to  the  door  R.)  Come  in,  Sam,  dear — 
come  in.  (Returns  to  L.  of  SCHOFIELD. ) 

(SAM  enters  slowly  and  fearfully;  he  has  evidently 
been  hurried  away  from  his  home,  for  his  jacket 
is  only  half  on  and  his  shirt  unbuttoned.  As  he 
encounters  MR.  SCHOFIELD'S  stern  look,  he  wilts 
visibly.) 

MR.  S.    Uh!    Ah-h! 

MRS.  S.  (Low  to  MR.  SCHOFIELD  j  He  was  in 
bed  with  half  his  clothes  on. 

MR.  S.  (Low  to  her)  They've  been  up  to  some 
deviltry,  Mary. 

MRS.  S.  Mr.  Williams  has  an  attack  of  sciatica 
and  Mrs.  Williams  couldn't  come. 

MR.  S.  Urn!  (He  turns  back  to  SAM;  Well, 
Sam — what  do  you  know  about  this  business,  eh  ? 

SAM.     (Standing  at  L.  corner  of  sofa)    Sir? 

MR.  S.     (R.cJ    Where's  Penrod? 

SAM.    {Swallowing  with  difficulty)     Why — I — 

MR.  S.     Answer  me !    I  said  where  is  Penrod  ? 

SAM.     I  know. 

MR.  S.    Then  where  is  he,  if  you  know? 


104  PENROD 

SAM.     I  mean  I  know  you  said  that.     I  didn't 
mean  I  know  anything  except  what  you  said  when 
you  were  sayin'  that,  Mr.  Schofield. 
MR.  S.     When  I  was  saying  what? 
SAM.     What  you  just  said  a  minute  ago. 
MR.  S.     You  seem  to  be  confused. 
SAM.     (Meek)    No,  sir. 

MR.  S.  Well  7  am,  then.  Now  look  here,  Sam, 
you  know  what  happened. 

SAM.  Well,  I  know  what  happened  once  or  twice 
— yesterday  I  know  what  happened  f'r  instance — 

and  some  other  times 

MR.  S.  Wait!  Let's  get  things  straight.  Mrs. 
Schofield  and  I  were  at  the  party,  and  she  telephoned 
over  here  to  see  if  everything  was  all  right  and  the 
telephone  didn't  answer  and  she  got  alarmed,  so  we 
started  home  to  see,  and  just  as  we  got  to  the  cor- 
ner we  heard  a  loud  explosion  that  Mrs.  Schofield 
thought  was  a  pistol  shot  (SAM  starts)  and  when 
we  got  here  Penrod  was  gone.  Now,  speak  up. 
Were  you  and  Penrod  using  firearms? 

SAM.      (Stuttering)      Uffuffire — ar — 7    wouldn't 

touch  any  ole  sword — or  a  spear — or  a 

MR.  S.  I  mean  a  gun.  Did  you  and  Penrod  have 
a  gun? 

SAM.     There  was  some  boys  out  in  the  country 

once — it  was  about  seven  miles  from  town 

MR.  S.     I'm  not  talking  about  farm  life.    I  want 

you  to  say  whether 

SAM.  Well,  those  boys  wanted  me  to  shoot  a 
gun  at  a  hen  and  I  wouldn't  do  it.  I  wouldn't  shoot 
a  gun  at  anybody.  I  mean  at  a  hen.  I  wouldn't 
shoot  a  gun  at  all. 

MR.  S.    Then  you  and  Penrod  weren't  playing 

with 

SAM.  It  wasn't  anything  Penrod  and  I  had 
anything  to  do  with We  never  touch  any- 
thing like  that,  or  anything  like  that,  or  anything. 


PENROD  105 

MR.  S.  Or  anything  like  that.  Listen!  We 
left  you  here  with  Penrod,  Sam,  didn't  we? 

SAM.     Let's  see — you  mean  just  before  you  left? 

MR.  S.     What  did  you  do  after  we  left? 

SAM.    Me,  sir? 

MR.  S.    You  and  Penrod. 

SAM.  (As  if  concluding  and  agreeing  that  an  epi- 
sode is  closed)  Yes,  sir. 

MR.  S.     (Quoting  him)    "Yes,  sir"— What? 

SAM.     Yes,  sir,  I  was. 

MR.  S.     You  were  what? 

SAM.     I  was  here  then. 

MR.  S.  (Moaning)  Oh,  Lord !  Grant  me  pa- 
tience. (Goes  up  to  back  and  down  again.) 

MRS.  S.     Now,  Henry,  be  calm. 

MR.  S.     Well,  what  did  you  and  Penrod  do  then  ? 

SAM.  We  just  stayed  here.  (Not  here  I  don't 
mean.  We  were  out  in  the  yard ;  we  weren't  in 
here.)  (Note. — Cut  lines  in  parenthesis  if  done  in 
one  set.) 

MR.  S.     What  did  you  play? 

SAM.  ^(Frowning  and  scratching  his  head,  trying 
to  remember)  We  were  just  kind  of  talking. 

MR.  S.  "Just  kind  of  talking."  Look  here ;  was 
Penrod  here  when  you  went  home? 

SAM.     Me,  Mr.  Schofield? 

MR.  S.  No!  Penrod!  Was  he  here  when  you 
went  home  and  got  into  bed  with  your  clothes  on? 
What  did  you  do  that  for? 

SAM.     Me? 

MR.  S.  What  did  you  go  to  'bed  with  all  your 
clothes  on  for? 

SAM.  Well — it's  kind  of  easier  to  undress  after 
you  go  to  bed  that  way. 

MRS.  S.     (Mourning  such  a  lie)    Oh,  Sam ! 

SAM.  (Earnestly)  Yes'm,  it  is.  I  like  to  do  it 
that  way. 

MR.  S.  Go  to  ;bed  first  and  undress  afterward  ? 

BELLA  READY 


106  PENROD 

SAM.    Sort  of. 

MR.  S.  (Despairing)  "Sort  of."  Satn,  you  did 
it  because  you  knew  somebody'd  be  over  there  to 
question  you  about  Penrod. 

SAM.  (As  if  it  had  suddenly  dawned  on  him) 
Oh,  you  mean  about  Penrod  ? 

MR.  S.  See  here !  Now,  once  for  all.  You  tell 
us  exactly  what  happened  after  we  left  here. 

SAM.  "Well 

MR.  S.    Go  on! 

SAM.     Well,  I'd  know  exactly 

MRS.  S.     Sam! 

SAM.  Well — we  sort  of  talked  and  everything- — 
and  Penrod — he  sort  of  talked  some — and  I  talked 
some — and  he  said  he  guessed  he'd  go  on  over  to 
the  grocery  and  buy  him  an  orange  or  something 
and 

MRS.  S.     Oh,  Sam! 

MR.  S.  The  grocery  isn't  open  after  seven 
o'clock.  Sam,  you're  deliberately  trying  to 

f  BELLA  enters  L.    Comes  down  to  c.  back  of  table.) 

DELLA.  Well,  may  I  never  die  in  sin,  but  that's 
the  last  time  I'll  ever  believe  a  telephone. 

MRS.  S.     (L.)    Where  have  you  been,  Delia  ? 

BELLA.  I  started  for  me  sister  Katy's,  because 
that  devil  of  a  telephone  told  me  she'd  busted  two 
ribs  an'  a  leg.  God  save  her ! 

MRS.  S.    Bella! 

MR.  S.    What! 

BELLA.  An'  it  ain't  so.  Sure  Katy  met  me  on 
the  corner  as  large  as  life  an'  gave  me  the  laugh 
when  I  told  her. 

MRS.  S.    Was  Penrod  here  when  you  left,  Bella  ? 

BELLA.  He  was  so,  ma'am,  an'  Jarge  was  to  get 
Minnie  Shea  to  come  over;  isn't  she  here? 

MR.  S.    No! 

BELLA.    Look  at  that  now!     Faith,  I  suppose 


PENROD  107 

Jarge  has  seen  a  fire,  or  a  dog  fight  or  a  murder  an' 
has  forgotten  what  I  told  him — sure  an'  I'll  take  a 
stick  to  him  one  of  these  days.  (She  exits  at  the 
door  R.) 

MR.  S,  (Over  to  L.)  I'm  getting  so  confused 
I 

MRS.  S.     Now,  Henry,  begin  all  over  again! 

MR.  S.  Begin  all  over  again !  Where  were  we? 
(Comes  over  to  SAMJ  Oh,  yes.  Sam,  you  told  us 
Penrod  went  to  the  grocery  for  an  orange  and  we 
know  the  grocery  isn't  open  after 

SAM.  No,  sir.  He  said  he  was  goin'  to  the  drug- 
store to  buy  him  some  lickrish.  root.  (^MARGARET 
heard  sobbing  off  L.) 

MR.  S.  I'm  positive  you  said  he  went 

(Breaks  off)  Oh,  for  heaven's  sake,  Mary,  go  in 
there  and  tell  Margaret  to  stop  crying.  I  can't 
think!  Tell  her  Penrod  isn't  dead! 

MRS.  S.  She  isn't  crying  about  Penrod.  She's 
crying  about  Mr.  Bade. 

(SAM,  in  utter  horror,  makes  for  door  R.) 

MR.  S.  Well,  tell  her  to  stop.  (MRS.  SCHOFIELD 
goes  off  L.  MR.  SCHOFIELD  catches  SAM)  Here, 
what's  the  matter  with  you?  (Runs  over  and  brings 
him  back  to  sofa.) 

SAM.     Nothin'. 

MR.  S.     Sit  down. 

SAM.    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  S.  (To  MRS.  S.,  who  returns)  What  on 
earth  is  she  crying  about  Mr.  Dad e  for  ?  Wait ! 
Don't  tell  me.  Tell  me  later.  If  I  try  to  think  about 
anything  else  now  I  won't  answer  for  my  mind  or 
for  my  conduct  either!  (Taking  chair  from  R.  of 
table  and  sitting)  Sam,  you  said  Penrod  went  to 
the  drugstore  to  buy  him  some  orange  root 

SAM.  No,  sir,  I  said  he  said  he  b'lieved  he 
wanted — lickrish  root,  he  said — but  after  a  while 
he  said  he  guessed  he  wouldn't. 


108  PENROD 


MR.  S.    Well, 

SAM.  No,  sir,  he  never  went  over  there  at  all,  and 
if  you  don't  believe  me  you  can  telephone  the  drug- 
store man  and  ast  him.  I  guess  he'll  tell  you,  and 
then  I  guess  you'll  believe  me;  Penrod  never  went 
near  the  drugstore  at  all.  And  if  you  don't  believe 
me  you  can  ast  - 

MR.  S.  Hush!  (Pressing  his  hands  to  his  head 
to  concentrate  his  thoughts)  Listen!  Forget  all 
about  what  happened  before  Penrod  really  went 
away.  Now  he  did  leave  the  place,  didn't  he  ? 

SAM.    {After  a  pause)    Yes,  sir. 

MR.  S.  (Turning  to  MRS.  SCHOFIELDJ  Ah  — 
well,  you  heard  him  say  where  he  was  going,  didn't 
you? 

SAM.  Well,  he  said  he  was  goin'  for  lickrish 
root  - 

MR.  S.  (Jumping  up)  But  he  didn't  go  for  lick- 
rish root!  You've  already  told  me  that,  Sam. 
Where  did  he  say  he  was  going  when  he  did  go  ? 

MARGARET  READY 

SAM.     (Pausing)    Sir? 

MR.  S.     You  heard  me! 

SAM.  Yes,  sir.  Well  —  he  said  he  guessed  — 
(Quickly)  —  he  said  he  guessed  he'd  go  to  bed. 

MR.  S.     But  he  didn't. 

SAM.     (Quickly)    No,  sir,  he  just  said  that. 

MR.  S.    (To  MRS.  S.)    He  just  said  that. 

SAM.  Then  he  went  on  out  in  the  alley  and  looked 
for  a  nickel  he  lost  out  there  last  week  —  yesterday, 
I  mean  —  or,  let's  see,  was  it  the  day  before,  no,  yes- 
terday —  and  then  he  came  back  in  the  yard  - 

MR.  S.  Sam  !  We  haven't  got  all  night  !  You'd 
better  - 

SAM.  Well  —  he  wanted  some  more  matches  to 
look  for  his  nickel  and  he  didn't  like  to  look  in  the 


PENROD  109 

house  for  some,  because  there  wasn't  anybody 
home 

MR.  S.    (To  MRS.  SJ    That's  right,  there  wasn't. 

SAM.  So  he  said  he  remembered  he  saw  some 
matches  over  in  Georgie  Bassett's  back  yard  the 
other  day ;  and  so  he  said  he  guessed  he'd  go  over 
there  and  get  'em — and  so  I  was  kind  of — kind  of 
tired — so  I  went  on  home  and  went  to  bed. 

MR.  S.  So,  according  to  you,  Penrod's  probably 
still  over  in  Mrs.  Bassett's  back  yard  hunting  for 
some  matches  to  hunt  for  a  nickel  with!  Well,  I 

think  that's (Louder  sob  from  MARGARET  off 

c.)  Won't  you  please  ask  Margaret  to  postpone  her 
troubles,  till  we  can  get  at  least  a  clue  to  where  Pen- 
rod  is  ? 

(MARGARET  enters  c.) 

MARGARET.  (To  center  front  of  table)  You 
needn't  worry !  I  know  where  Penrod  is  only  too 
well! 

MR.  S.  (Testily)  You  do?  Then  in  the  name 
of  Jee-hosaphat,  why  didn't  you  tell  us?  (Puts 
chair  back  R.  of  table  c.) 

MARGARET.     Penrod's  wherever  Mr.  Bade  is ! 

SAM.  Oh,  my!  (Unnoticed,  he  tries  to  edge 
around  the  right  end  of  sofa.) 

MR.  S.  What  d'you  mean,  Penrod's  wherever 

Mister (Turning  and  seeing  him)  Sit  down, 

Sam.  (SAM  sits)  Well,  where  is  Mr.  Dade  ? 

MARGARET.  {Choking)  I  d-don't  know!  He  left 
me — he  jumped — he  jumped — he  jumped 

MR.  S.  I'm  about  to  jump,  to  jump,  to  jump, 
to  jump,  myself!  What  is  all  this?  Why  didn't 
you  say 

MARGARET.  You  and  mamma  were  making  such 
a  fuss  about  Penrod — and  I've  been  trying  to  get 
control  enough  of  myself — Mr.  Dade  jumped — he 
jumped — he  jum 


i  io  PENROD 

MR.  S.    Yes ;  he's  jumped  now !    Go  on ! 

MARGARET.  For  days  and  days  Mr.  Dade's  been 
getting  nervous — more  and  more  nervous — anybody 
could  see  it — but  I  never  dreamed  of  taking  it  seri- 
ously till  to-night — and  after  we  got  to  the  party 
we  were  sitting  in  that  little  glass  conservatory  at 
the  Trimbles — and  he  began  to  start  and  twitch  and 
act  so  queerly — and  he  saw  I  noticed  it — and  he  told 
me  those  two  awful  darky  boys  from  our  alley  had 
been  hanging  on  to  the  car  he'd  hired  for  this  eve- 
ning— and  they'd  been  following  him  for  days  and 
days — and  so  had  Penrod — and  Sam — yes,  you  did, 
Sam — they  all  just  followed  and  hounded  him — he 
said — and  made  the  most  horrible  noises  wherever 
he  went — and  he  couldn't  get  away  from  'em — and 
his — his  nerves  were  just  going  to  pieces — and  then, 
oh,  then  they  did! 

MR.  S.    Did  what? 

MARGARET.  Go  to  pieces.  He  was  looking  out 
of  the  conservatory  through  the  glass,  and  all  at  once 
he  seemed  to  see  something,  and  he  turned  right 
round  and  jumped  out  of  the  Trimbles'  hall  window 
into  a  flowerbed. 

MRS.  S.     Oh,  mercy !    Did  he  break  anything? 

MARGARET.  (Fiercely,  turning  and  going  down  to 
her)  Mamma!  What  does  it  matter  if  he  broke 

any  of  their  old  flowers  or 

JARGE  READY 

MRS.  S.  {Protesting)  I  mean  his  arms  or 
legs 

MARGARET.  No!  I  saw  him  running  away  in 
the  darkness — and  I  was  so  upset,  I  ran  on  home, 
myself !  (To  SCHOFIELD,  driving  him  to  R.)  Now 
you  see  what  Penrod's  done.  He's  set  these  other 
boys  to  hounding  poor  Mr.  Dade  like  that — Heaven 
knows  what  for — and  think  of  the  mortification,  it 
being  my  own  brother,  and  they've  brought  him  to 


PENROD  in 

another  nervous  breakdown,  if  he  hasn't  lost  his 
mind!  I  just  know  it  was  .  .  .  Penrod  Mr.  Dade 
saw  hanging  around  outside  the  conservatory  over 
there — and  that's  why 

MR.  S.  Wait!  (Turning  to  SAM.)  Penrod  was 
hunting  for  matches  over  at  Mrs.  Bass 

MARGARET.  And  wherever  Mr.  Dade  is  now,  you 
can  be  perfectly  sure  Penrod's  following  him.  And 
I'd  just  like  to  know  what  you're  going  to  do  about 
it,  Papa.  You  were  hoping  to  have  some  business 
things  with  him,  but  he  won't  feel  very  much  like 
it  if  your  own  son  drives  him  to  a  nervous  break- 
down— now  Papa,  when  Penrod  comes  home 

(Backing  SCHOFIELD  over  to  sofa.) 

MRS.  S.  I'll  tend  to  that.  ( MARGARET  goes  up 
crying)  Sam,  you  said 

SAM.  Penrod  wasn't  anywhere  near  any  ole  ob- 
servatory. I  was  with  him  all  the  time  and  we 
thought  Mr.  Dade  was — was — was 

MR.  S.  (Sitting  beside  him  coaxlngly)  Yes, 
yes  ...  You  thought  Mr.  Dade  was  what? 

SAM.  I  mean :  we  thought  Mr.  Dade  was  out — 
out  riding  or  somep'n. 

MR.  S.     (Jumping  up  in  despair)    Oh,  murder ! 

MARGARET.    Papa,  if  you  don't  punish  Penrod 

MRS.  S.     If  we  can  only  find  him! 

MR.  S.  Now,  wait,  wait,  please.  We've  got  to 
get  to  the  bottom  of  this,  if  it's  got  a  bottom 

(Interrupted  by  JARGE — enters  R.,  closing  door  after 
him.) 

JARGE.     I  thought  I'd  jist  be  tellin'  you 

MR.  S.    {Turning  on  him  savagely)     We  don't 

want  you,  Jarge — we're  busy  here.    You 

JARGE.     (Strongly)     Listen ! 

MR.  S.     (Exasperated)    Listen  to  what? 

DELLA,  PENROD  and  DUKE  READY 


ii2  PENROD 

JARGE.  (Down  R.  of  sofa)  I  was  on  me  way 
home — it's  a  nice  little  room  I  got  at  me  boardin' 

house (Moan  from  MR.  SCHOFIELD  J  But  I 

wasn't  there  yit,  I  was — only  on  the  way  to  ut,  and 
just  thin  I  was  passin'  by  the  freight  yards,  but  I 
wasn't  thinkin'  annythin'  ye  might  speak  of — by  that 
I  don't  mean  I  was  thinkin'  anything  improper — 
only  havin'  nothin'  in  me  mind  at  all — if  ye  catch 
my  meanin',  Mrs.  Schofield — I  had  nothin'  wrong  in 
me  mind  ow'n'  to  havin'  nothin'  at  all  in  it. 

MR.  S.  (In  one  plaintive  breath)  Oh,  for  the 
love  of  Mike,  either  go  on  or  go  away ! 

JARGE.  (Over  to  SCHOFIELDJ  Well,  I  see  ye 
understand  how  it  was,  ma'am,  and  here  all  of  a 
suddint  I  see  himself  a-comin'  out  the  freight  yards, 
so  I  ast  um  the  question,  an'  he  says  he  wasn't,  so  I 
says  "Ye  better,"  I  says,  an'  he  said  he  wouldn't  do 
it  an'  I  says  "Ye  will,  too!"  "I  won't!"  he  says. 
"Ye  will !"  I  says.  "I  won't !"  he  says.  "I'll  see  if 
ye  won't,"  I  says,  an'  I  just  hooked  me  fingers  under 
the  collar  of  him  an*  give  him  a  drag 

MR.  S.     (Despairing)    Oh,  mercy!    Who? 

JARGE.  An'  I  hatta  drag  um  ivery  step  the  way 
except  once  we  slid  a  little  on  somethin*  or  other, 
but  I  niver  lit  go,  and  he's  here  now  an'  Delia's  got 
him  right  here  wid  me — right  here,  ladies  and  gen- 
tlemen! (Up  to  door  R.) 

ALL.     (Except  SAM)     Who? 

JARGE.     (Throwing  open  door)    Nobody  but  him  1 

(BELLA,  PENROD  and  the  dog  DUKE  are  seen  in 
door.  They  discharge  PENROD  into  the  room. 
PENROD  dusty,  dishevelled.) 

ALL.     Pen  rod ! 

MR.  S.  Penrod  Schofield!  Somebody  take  that 
damned  dog  away.  (JARGE  takes  DUKE  and  exits 
with  DELLA  R.,  closing  door.)  Sit  down!  Right 


PENROD  113 

there!  (PENROD  sits  E.  of  table  and  exchanges^  a 
nervous  look  with  SAM.J  Now,  we'll  have  one  in- 
terview, Penrod  Schofield,  and  a  little  while  later 
we'll  have  another — in  the  back  room  upstairs ! 
Where  have  you  been,  Penrod  Schofield  f 

PENROD.     Me  ? 

MR.  S.    (Wailing  sound)    Oh! 

PENROD.  Why,  I  was  just  standing  out  there 
with  Delia  while  Jarge  was  talkin'  to  you. 

MR.  S.  Where  had  you  been  before  Jarge  found 
you  at  the  freight  yards  ? 

PENROD.  (All  nervously)  Me?  (Sees  it  won't 
do  and  goes  on  hastily)  I  mean  I  was — well — 
first  Sam  and  I  played  around  here  in  the  yard  a  lit- 
tle while — we  were  playin'  hi  spy. 

SAM.     Playin'  hi  spy! 

MR.  S.     Playing  hi  spy. 

PENROD.  And  then — and  then  I  said,  "Well, 
Sam,"  I  said,  "let's  go  in  the  house  and  read 
awhile,"  I  said,  and  so  weMid.  (Another  glance  at 
SAM,  who  repeats  "and  s£be  did," ) 

MR.  S.     And  so  we  did!    And  then  what ? 

PENROD.  And  then  we  came  out  again.  And  I 
didn't  notice  much  what  became  of  Sam  just  then. 

SAM.     Mamma  called  me (Glance  at  PEN- 

ROD.J 

PENROD.    Oh,  yes,  his  mother  called  him. 

SAM.    And  I  went  home  and  went  to  bed. 

PENROD.  And  he  went  home  and  went  to  bed,  but 
/  thought  I  better  walk  out  to  the  new  park  and 
see  if  there  was  a  band  concert  goin'  on  or  any- 
thin' 

MR.  S.     Was  there? 

PENROD.     Sir? 

MR.  S.     Was  there  a  concert? 

PENROD.     I  don't  know,  sir. 

MR.  S-    You  just  said 

PENROD.     Well— after  I  walked  awhile  I  changed 


H4  PENROD 

my  mind.  After  I  started  I  got  to  thinkin*  about — 
about  school  beginning  again  two  or  three  months 
from  now  and  what  new  schoolbooks  I'd  haf  to 
have.  (Glances  at  SAM.,) 

SAM.  Yes,  sir,  what  new  schoolbooks  we'd  have 
to  have. 

MR.  S.     Hold  on,  Sam,  you  were  at  'home  in  bed. 

BELLA  READY 

SAM.    (Starts)    Oh ! 

PENROD.  So  I  thought  I  better  go  on  down  town 
and  ask  at  the  book  stores  if  they  were  goin'  to 
keep  those  books  when  September  comes,  so  I  went 
down  and  I  went  to  one  store — and  it  was  closed  all 
up — and  so  I  went  to  another  store — and  it  was  all 
closed  up — and  so  I  went  to  another  store,  and  it 
was  all  closed  up,  and  so  I  went  to  another  store 
and 

MR.  S.  (Shouting)  And  IT  was  all  closed  up! 
In  the  meantime,  Sam  says  you  were  hunting  for 
matches  in  Mrs.  Bassett's  back  yard,  Jarge  found 
you  over  by  the  freight-yards,  and  your  sister  says 
you  were  haunting  poor  Mr.  Dade ! 

PENROD.     (Ghastly)    Ow! 

MR.  S.  But  you  say  you  were  looking  for  school 
books!  (Goes  up  In  despair.) 

PENROD.  Y-yes,  sir.  Now  you  know  all  about 
it 

MRS.  S.     (Lamenting)    Oh,  Penrod ! 

MR.  S.  (Coming  back,  prosecuting  attorney  man- 
ner) Now  I've  got  just  one  last  question  before  we 
retire  to  the  back  room  upstairs !  I  want  to  know 
about  firearms!  (Both  boys  start.) 

DELLA.  (In  doorway  R.J  Indeed  ye  do,  sir! 
And  I  guess  I've  got  the  inf  armation  f  er  ye !  {Down 

R.Cj 

MR.  S.     What  information? 


PENROD  US 

DELLA.  (Producing  revolver)  Me  an'  Jarge  just 
found  this  out  in  the  back  yard  where  I  guess  thim 
two  dropped  it,  an'  it's  got  one  shoot  out  of  it ! 

MR.  S.  (Taking  it)  Ha !  Now,  did  you  ever 
see  this  weapon  before?  Speak  out!  Penrod,  did 
you? 

PENROD.  (Shrinking  from  it)  It's  not  mine, 
Papa,  I  cross  my  heart,  and  I  wouldn't  touch  it  for 
a  million  dollars.  I  cross  my  heart  fifty  times  I 
wouldn't,  Papa! 

MRS.  S.     I'm  sure  he  wouldn't — Henry. 

MR.  S.     Sam,  did  you  shoot  this  revolver? 

SAM.  (Shrinking)  I  cross  my  heart  fifty  times 
I  didn't,  Mr.  Schofield. 

MRS.  S.  Give  the  terrible  thing  to  Jarge,  Delia. 
Tell  him  to  throw  it  in  the  canal 

MR.  S.     Here,  Delia ! 

SAM.     (Involuntarily)    It's  papa's! 

MR.  S.  Ha!  Ha!  So  you  did  fire  it!  It  was 
you  two  who 

VERMAN  READY  AT  WINDOW 

PENROD.  (Hastily  in  agony)  We  didn't  mean 
to  kill  him ! 

(MARGARET  screams,   MR.   SCHOFIELD  utters  loud 
exclamation,  "What!"    DELLA  goes  out  R.J 

MRS.  S.  (Sinking  into  chair  "L.)  Now  it's  assas- 
sination ! 

PENROD.     Oh,  golly ! 

MR.  S.  (Desperate;  goes  over  and  puts  revolver 
on  table  center)  Now,  we've  got  it !  It  seems  that 
Penrod  was  following  Mr.  Dade  to  the  Trimble 
conservatory  and  hunting  matches  at  Mrs.  Bassett's, 
and  looking  for  school  books  at  the  freight  yards,  all 
at  the  same  time,  and  while  doing  so  he  was  out  in 
our  back  yard  shooting  a  stranger,  who  is  probably 


ii6  PENROD 

now  at  the  City  Hospital  just  coming  out  of  ether 
long  enough  to  tell  the  police  about  it.  (Crosses 
down  L.J 

MRS.  S.     Oh,  Henry ! 

MR.  S.     (Fiercely)    Were  you  speaking  to  me? 

DELLA  and  BOB  READY 

MRS.  S.    Oh,  Henry! 

MR.  S.  Don't  Henry  me !  I'm  either  out  of  my 
mind  or  I'd  prefer  to  be !  (Up  L.C.  and  back)  Only 
one  thing  is  left  clear  to  me;  this  boy  doesn't  take 
after  my  side  of  the  house!  We've  never  had  any 
slaughterers  among  the  Schofields. 

VERMAN.  (At  -window  Lj  Oh  Hade  humped,  he 
humped  how  o'  wimmow !  Horge  B.  Haspuh,  ole 
Hade  he  hun  away ! 

MR.  S.     What's  that? 

MARGARET.  (Center  back  at  table)  It's  that  aw- 
ful Verman  trying  to  tell  Penrod  what  he  did  to  Mr. 
Dade. 

MR.  S.  I'll  show  him.  (He  goes  to  window. 
VERMAN  yells  and  flees.  To  PENRODJ  Now,  what 
have  you  got  to  say  to  that? 

PENROD.     What  was  it  Verman  said,  Papa? 

MR.  S.  How  do  7  know  what  he  said?  /  can't 
understand  him,  but  Margaret  says  he  said 

PENROD.  Why,  she  doesn't  know.  She  isn't  half 
as  smart  as  you  are,  Papa. 

MRS.  S.  Now  he's  trying  to  flatter  you,  Henry. 
Oh! 

BELLA.  (At  door  R.J  Mr.  Robert  Williams  is 
here. 

MR.  S.  (Hysterically)  Aaah!  Probably  he's 
come  to  tell  us  that  Penrod  spent  the  evening  study- 
ing law  with  him ! 

(Bos  enters  at  the  door  Rj 


PENROD  117 

BOB.  (Back  of  sofa)  Good  evening,  everybody. 
Well,  it's  all  right.  (They  all  stare  at  him  blankly) 
I  thought  you  might  be  worried,  so  I  dropped  in  on 
my  way  home  to  tell  you  it's  all  right. 

MR.  S.     (Blankly)    Is  it? 

BOB.  Of  course,  sir!  It's  a  mighty  lucky  thing 
though  I  didn't  happen  to  go  to  that  party  because 
if  I  had  I  wouldn't  have  met  him. 

MARJORIE  READY 

MR.  S.     Met  who,  Robert? 

BOB.     The  fellow  that  was  shot  at 

MR.  S.     Shot  at ! 

BOB.     Why,  yes ;  in  your  yard ! 

MRS.  S.  Ah!  Assassination!  (Covers  her  face 
with  her  hand.) 

BOB.    Oh,  he  wasn't  hit,  just  scared. 

MR.  S.     You  mean  that  someone  was  shot  at 

BOB.  So  he  said !  That's  what  sent  me  out  to 
the  street  on  the  run. 

MR.  S.  Now  my  patience  is  gone.  (To  L.  of 
table)  This  is  infamous.  Penrod 

MARJORIE.  (Is  heard  off  L.J  Mr.  Schofield,  Mr. 
Schofield !  (She  enters  breathlessly  L.  to  L.C .)  Oh, 
'scuse  me,  but — but  my  papa's  comin*  an' — an'  he 
wants  to  talk  to  Penrod. 

MR.  S.    He  does? 

MARJORIE.  Umh-umh!  It's  all  about  that  old 
crook. 

MR.  S.  (Glaring  about  the  room)  Crook  ?  Have 
we  all  landed  in  Bedlam  to-night? 

MRS.  S.     (Up)     What  do  you  mean,  Marjorie? 

MARJORIE.  Why — why — I  told  papa  everything 
that  Penrod  told  me. 

MR.  S.  Penrod,  eh?  Well,  what  did  Penrod  tell 
you? 

MARJORIE.     All— all  about  that  scoundrel  Dade. 

JONES  READY 


ii8  PENROD 

OMNES.    What?    Dade! 

MR.  S.    Did  Penrod  call  Mr.  Dade  a  scoundrel  ? 

MARJORIE.  Oh,  yes,  indeed!  And — and  he  said 
this  old  crook  Dade  stole  horses  an* — an' — got  folks 
to — to  sign  papers — an*  get  all  their  money — an' 
papa  says  he's  got  to  see  Penrod,  an's  he's  comin' 
here  now  with  a  policeman. 

MRS.  S.  (Feebly)  With  a  policeman?  Henry! 
(Sinks  into  chair  L.  again.  MARGARET  goes  to  her, 
then  goes  up  and  works  to  back  at  table  c.) 

MR.  S.  I  hear  you !  This  is  the  last  straw ! 
(Sinks  into  chair  L.  of  table)  It's  the  end  of  us  in 
our  own  town. 

MRS.  S.  (Feebly)  I'm  sure  I  don't  know  where 
Penrod  gets  these  strange  ideas. 

MR.  S.     (Grimly)     Not  from  my  family. 

MRS.  S.     Oh,  dear! 

MARJORIE.  And  the  policeman  said  he  wanted 
to  see  Penrod,  too.  (Goes  to  MRS.  S.) 

MR.  S.     Of  course  he  does. 

MR.  JONES.  (Enters  L.)  Good  evening.  Saw 
the  light  here  and  didn't  take  the  trouble  to  go  to 
the  front  door.  (Down  L.C.) 

MR.  S.     It's  all  right,  Jones. 

COOMBS  READY 

JONES.     Penrod  here? 

MRS.  S.    Yes,  Mr.  Jones. 

JONES.     (Seeing  him)     Oh!     Well,  Penrod 

You  certainly  did  it  this  time ! 

MR.  S.     Marjorie  has  just  been  telling  us. 

JONES.     Strange  thing  for  a  boy  to  do. 

MR.  S.    He  gets  it  from  his  mother's  family. 

JONES.    Well — Penrod (There  is  a  pause) 

But  perhaps  I'd  better  let  Mr.  Coombs,  our  Chief 
of  Police,  talk  to  you ! 

OMNES.    Chief  of  police ! 

(PENROD  and  SAM  exchange  a  look.) 


PENROD  119 

JONES.  (He  goes  to  the  door  L.)  Right  this  way, 
Chief ! 

( SAM  takes  up  a  hassock  near  sofa  and,  lying  down 
on  sofa,  buries  his  head  under  it.) 

MR.  COOMBS.  (Enters  at  the  door  L.  He  is  in 
white  uniform)  Good  evening.  Where's  this  boy 
Penrod?  fScHOFiELD  rises  weakly,  shakes  hands 
with  COOMBS  and  indicates  PENROD,  then  passes  over 
at  back  towards  R.  PENROD  drags  himself  to  his 
feet,  his  knees  giving  away.  COOMBS  comes  down) 
Urn!  Penrod  Schofield.  Eh?  So  you're  the  boy. 
Well — I  want  to  shake  hands  with  you.  (Takes 
PENROD'S  hand.  There  is  a  tremendous  sensation  as 
they  hear  this.) 

MR.  S.     What?    (Coming  down  R.cJ 

MR.  COOMBS.  Because  you  were  the  only  one 
wise  enough  to  see  through  this  Dade. 

OMNES.    What ! 

MARGARET.  (Back  of  table  c.)  What  about  Mr. 
Dade? 

MR.  COOMBS.  {Smiling  at  them)  This  Dade 
party  is  in  bad.  Some  people  would  like  to  see  him. 
Specializing  in  phoney  checks,  beating  hotel  bills, 
and  working  stock  jobbing  schemes  on  small  coun- 
try bankers.  Nothing  important.  But  we  thought 
it  about  time  to  look  him  up. 

BOB.  (To  cover  MARGARET'S  embarrassment) 
Well,  this  is  the  greatest  surprise  to  me.  I  thought 
Mr.  Dade  was  a  fine  fellow.  I  took  the  greatest 
fancy  to  him  from  the  start. 

^MARGARET  gives  him  a  look  of  gratitude.) 

MR.  S.     You  really  mean  it,  Chief? 
MR.  COOMBS.     I  certainly  do !    Told  you  he  was 
going  to  form  a  company,  didn't  he? 


120  PENROD 

MR.  S.     Why— yes! 

MR.  COOMBS.  That's  the  way  he  worked  it  in 
Des  Moines  and  other  places.  Then  he'd  cash  in 
and  flit.  We  found  that  out  as  soon  as  Mr.  Jones 
asked  us  to  look  him  up.  I'm  sorry  he  made  his 
getaway. 

MARGARET.    From  the  party 

MR.  COOMBS.  That's  right,  Miss.  Two  of  my 
men  trailed  him  to  the  Trimbles  to-night.  We  were 
going  to  arrest  him,  but 

MARGARET.     He  jumped  out  of  the  window ! 

MR.  COOMBS.    That's  right,  Miss. 

BOB.  Do  you  think  Dade  was  a  pal  of  Tim,  this 
other  crook,  Chief? 

MR.  COOMBS.     Maybe! 

MR.  S.    What  other  crook,  Bdb? 

BOB.  The  one  that  tried  to  rob  your  house  to- 
night. The  one  I  caught. 

MRS.  S.     Henry! 

MR.  S.  (Anxiously)  Rob  the  house !  And  I  had 
twenty-five  hundred  dollars  upstairs.  (Goes  toward 
door  L.) 

MRS.  S.     Why — you  said 

MR.  S.     Didn't  want  to  make  you  worry,  Mary. 

BOB.  Well,  he  didn't  get  anything.  The  shot 
scared  him. 

MR.  S.  Shot  ?  (Then  turning  with  a  broad  smile 
to  PENROD  as  it  dwwns  on  him)  Penrod  shot  at  him. 

MR.  COOMBS.     No? 

SAM.  (Throwing  down  hassovk  and  sitting  up) 
With  my  father's  revolver. 

MR.  S.  (Throwing  out  his  chest)  My  son,  Pen- 
rod  Schofield,  Chief. 

MR.  COOMBS.  Shake  hands  again,  little  son.  Mr. 
Schofield,  you  ought  to  be  proud  of  this  boy. 

MR.  S.     I  am,  Chief !    He's  Schofield  all  over. 

MR.  COOMBS.  He's  a  wonder,  and  yet  he  seems 
to  b"5  a  regular,  every-day  boy. 


PENROD  121 

MR.  JONES.  Well,  I  was  going  to  hand  Dade  my 
check  for  five  thousand  dollars,  but  when  Marjorie 
told  me  Penrod  said  he  was  a  crook  and  would  get 
me  to  sign  papers,  I  began  to  be  suspicious  and  called 
on  Mr.  Coombs. 

MR.  COOMBS.     Well,  I'm  glad  we  went  after  Dade 
and  looked  him  up  in  time  to  save  your  money,  Mr. 
Jones,  but  I  guess  the  credit's  got  to  go  to  this 
little  man !     (There  is  a  subdued  exclamation  from 
everyone^   Sitting  L.  of  PENROD J    But  what  I  want 
to  know  is  how  the  little  man  did  it  ? 
PENROD.    <(  Puzzled)     Huh  ? 
MR.  COOMBS.     What  made  you  suspect  this  fel- 
low Dade  ?    (There  is  a  pause.) 
MRS.  S.    Tell  Mr.  Coombs,  dear! 
MR.  S.    Tell  him,  my  boy ! 

PENROD.     Well 

MR.  S.     Yes,  my  boy ! 

PENROD.  Papa  and  mamma  said  Mr.  Dade  was 
a  horse  thief ! 

MR.  S.     Why,  I  never  said  anything  of  the  kind. 
PENROD.     Yes,  you  did,  Papa,  yes,  you  did ! 
MRS.   S.     (L.)     Oh,  yes,  you  did,  Henry — that 
day  of  the  pageant — don't  you  remember — we  were 
joking ! 

MR.  S.     (Laughing)    Oh,  yes ! 
MR.  COOMBS.     And  what  else  made  you  suspect 
Dade,  son? 

PENROD.  Well?  (They  all  bend  forward  ex- 
pectantly.) 

MR.  COOMBS.    Yes? 

PENROD.  Old  Dade  acted  so  in  love  with  my 
sister  Margaret,  I  thought  there  must  be  somepthing 
wrong  with  him.  (There  is  a  pause;  they  ALL 
laugh.) 

MR.  COOMBS.    (Rises)    Oh,  you  can  all  laugh,  but 
you  don't  understand  this  little  man ;  I  do ! 
MRS.  S.     What  do  you  mean,  Mr.  Coombs? 


122  PENROD 

MR.  COOMBS.  He  isn't  going  to  give  his  hand 
away ;  not  much.  He's  got  his  own  way  of  detecting 
and  he  isn't  telling  anyone.  And  that's  right,  we 
plain  clothes  men  always  do  that.  Here's  a  sort  of 
a  medal  I  had  made  to  give  to  the  best  Boy  Scout 
and  I'm  going  to  pin  it  on  you.  (He  does  so)  There ! 
Whenever  you're  down  town,  drop  in  at  Police 
Headquarters  and  see  me.  You're  a  born  detective, 
and  a  credit  to  us.  (Salutes)  Good  evening.  (He 
exits  L.  with  a  nod  to  everyone.) 

(There  is  a  murmur  of  conversation  as  the  crowd 
exits.  In  this  movement,  BOB  and  MARGARET 
come  close  together.  MARJORIE  goes  to  table 
upstage  and  writes  something,  then  comes  down 
beside  PENROD  with  it  in  her  hand.  NOTE. — // 
played  in  one  set  MARJORIE  has  note  already 
written.) 

WARNING  CURTAIN 

MR.  S.  Say,  Bob (He  pauses  as  he  sees 

that  BOB  is  oblivious  of  him  and  that  MRS.  SCHO- 
FIELD  is  making  frantic  gestures  to  him  from  the 
doorway  R.C.)  Oh!  Of  course — the  party  of  the 
first  part.  (They  exit  L.) 

JONES.  Well,  good  night,  Penrod.  (He  slips 
something  into  his  hand.  PENROD  looks  at  it  very 
pleased.) 

BOB.     (Looking  down  at  MARGARET )    Margaret ! 

MARGARET.    Yes,  Bob. 

BOB.     I  wonder  if  I  can  run  over  in  the  morn- 


ing  r 

MARGARET.  I — I — shall  be  on  the  porch  read- 
ing or  something  all  the  morning. 

BOB.  All  the  morning.  Oh!  Say,  Penrod! 
Here's  a  quarter — don't  you  think  you  and  Sam 
could  take  all  the  morning  spending  it? 

PENROD.  Much  obliged,  Bob,  but  I  don't  need 
it! 


PENROD  123 

MARGARET.    Don't  need  it? 
PENROD.    No!    Ye  see  Mr.  Jones  gave  me  five 
dollars.     (Shows  the  bill) 

('SAM  jumps  up  amazed.    BOB  is  going  R.) 

MARGARET.  Bob,  perhaps  I'd  better  go  as  far  as 
the  gate  with  you. 

BOB.     All  right,  Margaret. 

(They  exit  R.) 

SAM.  (Stretching  as  he  comes  over)  Well,  I 
guess  I  got  to  go  home  and  go  to  bed  again.  My 
gory,  Penrod,  I  would  like  to  be  you. 

MARJORIE.  (With  a  gentle  sniff)  Yes,  Sam.  I 
guess  you  would.  (She  is  L.  of  PENROD.,) 

PENROD.  Well,  if  you  were  me,  you'd  be  pretty 
well  mixed  up,  I  tell  you. 

SAM.  G'night.  (As  he  gets  to  door  R.,  turns) 
Wee-o-kee.  (Business  of  counting  dollar  bills  with 
his  fingers  and  showing  that  he  means  to  go  halves 
with  PENROD)  See  you  in  the  morning,  Penrod. 

(TENROD  holds  up  bill  and  does  business  of  cutting 
it  in  two.    SAM  exits  Rj 

MR.  JONES.  (Seen  off  L.)  Come,  Marjorie! 
(Goes.) 

MARJORIE.     Yes,  Papa.    Penrod! 

PENROD.    Yep ! 

MARJORIE.  Read  this !  ( She  puts  a  folded  note 
into  PENROD'S  hand  and  exits  Lj 

PENROD.  (Opens  the  note,  which  is  carefully 
folded  in  the  shape  of  a  cocked  hat.  Takes  a  blue 
bow  out  of  it  and  looks  puzzled.  Reads)  "You're 
my — (Looking  at  it  and  holding  it  up) — 'bow!!  (A 
smile  comes  over  his  face.) 

(MR.  S.  enters  L.  with  MR.  S.) 


i24  PENROD 

MR.  S.    Now,  Penrod,  I  just  want  to  ask  you 

MRS.  S.  (Putting  her  arms  about  PENROD,)  No, 
Henry,  he's  mother's  own  brave  hero  and  he  isn't 
going  to  be  questioned  any  more  to-night.  (PENROD 
yawns.)  See,  he's  tired  and  sleepy!  You  aren't 
going  to  make  him  walk  upstairs,  are  you  ? 

MRS.  S.  I  should  say  not !  Come  on,  little  son ! 
(He  picks  PENROD  up  in  his  arms  and  goes  up  to 
door  R.C.  with  MRS.  S.) 

MRS.  S.  (Snaps  off  lights,  single  spot  through 
door  R.C.)  Our  boy,  Henry! 

MR.  S.  (Fondly)  He  reminds  me  of  myself, 
Mary,  when  I  was  his  age ! 

CURTAIN 

1st  Curtain — Penrod,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  S. 
2nd  Curtain — Penrod,  Sam  and  Marjorie. 
3rd  Curtain — Penrod. 
4th  Curtain — Penrod. 

CURTAIN 


PROPERTY  PLOT 

ACT  II 

Pruning  shears. 

Newspaper. 

Furniture  in  house  as  in  Act.  I. 

Letter  in  envelope. 

Three  or  four  rugs. 

Three  cigars. 

Two  boxes  of  matches. 

Sign  painted  on  'barn  door  as  follows : 

"George  B.  Jasber,  Detectitife  Ofice." 

Wheelbarrow  with  box  on  it  to  form  a  desk. 

One  cracker  box. 

Wooden  paper  weight. 

Wooden  telephone. 

Lantern  to  light. 

Five  wooden  automatic  revolvers. 

Sheet  of  paper. 

Detective  badge. 

Blue  print  of  cottage. 

Dog. 

Ball  of  yarn. 

Sample  of  yarn. 

Storm  effect. 

Four  25-cent  pieces. 

ACT  III 

Paper-covered  book. 
Phone  (practical). 

125 


126  PENROD 

Box  of  flowers,  done  up. 

Bundle  of  roses. 

Card  in  box  of  flowers 

Motor  effect. 

Fuller's  earth. 

Doughnut  (to  eat.) 

Two  door  keys. 

Plants  and  flowers  around  house. 

One  in  box  to  knock  over. 

Two  Colt  revolvers  (sure  fire). 

One  25-cent  piece. 

(Act  III  runs  23  minutes.) 


ACT  IV 


Parlor  furniture. 

Writing  material. 

One  Colt  revolver. 

Dog. 

Medal. 

Hassock. 

Five-dollar  bill. 

Letter. 

Ribbon  bow. 


(Act  IV  runs  30  minutes.) 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 
This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


DAN    51983 


THE  REJUVENATION  OF  AUN 

The   famous  comedy  in  three  acts,   by   Anne   Warner.    7   ma 
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MRS.  TEMPLE'S  TELEGRAM. 

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FRENCH'S 

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I 


A     000029375 


